When should you forgive a lie?

I found out my boyfriend lied to me, I'm trying to forgive him but I'm having a hard time because I don't know if I should.

A few months ago my boyfriend found a picture of his ex on a p*rn site and emailed her to let her know about it. when I asked him if she replied or talked about it he said no.

Last week he got a text from her saying "I'm sorry I accused u" and I asked him what she was talking about he said he doesn't know and maybe she has a guilty conscience about the pic and accused him to her friends.

We found out the text was an IM so I helped him see what she was talking about. I went through the history to get her IM name and saw that he actually had a convo with her before and after he emailed the pic. the convo they had wasn't bad, just how he found the pic and how each other has been and of course her accusing him of putting it on the p*rnsite.

I'm not upset that they talked but I'm hurt that he lied about it. He told me he figured I would get mad and blow up if I saw it was more than a "hey a saw this, bye" with an ex he told me he didn't want anything to do with because she cheated on him multiple times. He swears that's the only thing he kept from me.

I wanna believe him as he is open about everything else (lets me go through his phone, phone records, emails, whenever I ask to and has given me passwords to EVERYTHING). But the fact that he lied about something so small makes me worry. What do you think? forgivable?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I wouldn't trust him if he is willing to lie about such a thing. Imagine what lies he would tell if someting were actually going on! I look on this differently from most...I think you agree with me!

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    • It is hard, but then I don't want to have this destroy our relationship if this was the one and only bad move. He promised he'll be more straight forward with everything and he honestly thought at the time it was a good move to keep it from me to keep me from freaking out for no reason (though I wouldn't have).

    • I'd watch carefully from now on..no need to up and leave right now, but be less trusting!

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • Sounds like a little white lie to me. I think if you can't forgive him for something as inconsequential as that, then your relationship is shaky at best.

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What Girls Said 2

  • You should definitely forgive him. when you confronted him he told you the truth and even let's you go through his phone, phone records, emails, etc. He told you a little white lie because he didn't want you to get upset and it's obvious he doesn't want anything to do with his ex. he just wanted to tell her about the picture. I think he is being extremely generous letting you go through all his personal stuff and information. clearly he has nothing to hide and you should just let this little lie go. he sounds like a nice guy.

    oh and don't take this the wrong way but I think you might be just a little crazy to go through all his personal stuff and have his passwords. if you trust him then you shouldn't have to be looking at all that stuff to make sure he's not talking to other girls or whatever

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    • He didn't tell me the truth when I confronted him, he was still lying even while I was reading the past IMs to convince me not to. He let me go through his phone and stuff since the beginning of our relationship, because I told him I was damaged from previous relationships and family members of trusting people so he thought that would be a good way to show I can trust him. However this kinda knocked me down from what I was building up :-(

    • oh I'm sorry. guess I misread your answer. yea I definitely think there are some trust issues in your relationship and you were right to confront him and get to the bottom of it. I hope everything works out for the best though

  • Forgiveness is a difficult thing to do because you have to let go of the emotions tied to the event. Emotions when you really care for someone are tricky and can fog judgment though so can jealousy and worry.
    In a realtionship it's best to explain your perspective in a way that the other person can understand your point of view. "How you would you feel if I had done this same thing?" Usually most reasonable people would be disturbed by the lie.
    Though you have to measure the lie by it's importance to you and your relationship. Don't discount that he allows you access unfiltered to what he's doing. Don't forget all the truths he has told you in the process of the one lie. If you become so focused on that one lie you could ruin something that is possibly good.
    Next step explain how you feel when you're thinking from a place of rationality and not anger. Something like 'it hurts me only because you feel you couldn't be honest with me. Honesty is the foundation of our relationship and I would be honest with you'. And you have to mean it. You have to be willing to be honest with him too. You have to be willing to let him look through your online stuff as well. In a digital world social media can cause so many doubts and ruin good things.
    You have to make a choice whether you want to toss it all away because of one lie. Or if you want to forgive but set some ground rules. In the process give him credit for all the times he didn't lie and all the good things he's done to try to foster an environment of trust.
    You can say 'I'm not comfortable with you speaking with her'. You can't demand he stop speaking with someone but in a relationship you have every right to voice your concerns.
    Do be cautious if you stay with him. But it's important to understand that we all slip up sometimes. It is possible that he didn't want to hurt you. But he should be clear that if he wants a solid foundation for a loving and open relationship he can't lie to you because lying creates doubt... doubt leads to jealousy and distrust. And those destroy anything good.

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