How much contact with an ex is too much when you're in a new relationship?

My boyfriend is still in contact with his ex who he dated about 2 years ago. Their relationship was about 1.5 years long and they were each other's first times for everything.
I get that they eventually ended on good terms (the initial break up was very bad, but they eventually came around) and are now friends, but is it right to be a little concerned that he still has a decent amount of contact with her (i. e. he replies to her stories, she comments on his picture, etc.)?

0|1
4664

Most Helpful Guys

  • If your in contact with an ex at all, it should be limited to at most probably once every 3 months-ish. At least, that is my opinion. That is keeping plenty of distance where they aren't involved in your life to the point where they might disrupt it (whether emotionally or otherwise) such that you are confident you can keep them at a 'Grinch's Length' but allows for things to not end up in a way where you would feel like you just completely discarded someone who you spent a good chunk of your life with, which could feel morally wrong as well.

    1|0
    0|0
    • But yeah, him being that familiar with her is extremely concerning, it is just common sense that people in general often have a lack of self control. If people don't control the environment they out themselves in, they aren't likely to control their actions either.

  • ANY contact with an ex is too much. You should both go your separate ways and move forward with your lives. Contact with an ex only presents the opportunity for your new companion to have questions about your availability, allegiance, and desire for them.

    3|2
    0|0

Most Helpful Girls

  • If the contact between them is only online then I wouldn't be concerned. If they're hanging out in person I think that would be an uncomfortable situation. I wouldn't mention anything to him if it's an online friendship, even if they flirt a little, as long as he's being honest with you. You can watch and see if anything seems to develop w them. This shows confidence in yourself. If anything does happen later between them then you reevaluate the situation at that point

    0|0
    0|0
  • It really depends on the content. But you have to remember that they probably dated because they were friends.

    It depends on how much you think is too much. If you think 0 is the right amount but he's still talking to her then you'll be unhappy. If it doesn't bother you much, then it won't matter to you. It all depends on your threshold of tolerance for it.

    1|0
    0|0

Recommended Questions

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 62

  • Zero

    3|0
    0|1
  • What you have not said is the tone of communication between them and that may indicate whether there is an issue. Based on what you stated it does not seem there is anything more than a friendship. No one, man or woman, should dictate who their partner is friends with unless there is a serious risk to health or life. If you're concerned it would be perfectly acceptable to mention it and use that as an opportunity to probe further about his feelings for her.

    1|0
    0|0
  • I don't think that is an inordinate amount of contact with her, but it really boils down to your personal comfort level, because your boyfriend should let that decide how much contact he has.

    Contact with an ex is not necessarily bad- my wife let me have plenty of it with an ex, and that ex is a really close friend.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I don't think it's acceptable to be friends with an ex at all if one is in a relationship. The only "contact" that would be acceptable would be strictly professional, if they happened to be classmates or coworkers--which couldn't be helped.

    1|0
    0|0
  • My honest opinion as someone who has been through that and is way older and is divorced:

    Unless they have kids together, they dont need to be "so close or in touch"

    It raises issues for me and I think its weird. He shouldn't be commenting on her stories or even following her on social media.

    You can't just be friends with your ex. it doesn't work.

    2|0
    0|0
    • Not always the case- one of my exes is a very close friend, and my wife even let me meet her alone (of course nothing happened) and go to dinner with her.

  • It's always a temptation if you let it be, but I'm friends with my ex, even when I was dating someone else.

    All you need to do is set barriers and just accept that what happened between you two happened instead of making it awkward. And make sure whoever your currently dating knows this.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Tough one maybe mention you need a bit of reassurance but it does sound harmless - They were probably always more suited as friends and made the mistake of entering a relationship - Only thing is there any suspicion of lingering attraction on either side.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Depends..
    If your partner is cool with it, you turn the situation around. When you think that it would cross your line, you stop.

    If however you're talking with your ex, and are feeding your new partner small white lies, then you're already across the line.

    Lastly, what makes you want to talk to your ex?

    0|0
    0|0
  • Stupidest QUESTION EVER.. .000% IS THE CONTACT IS ALLOW TO HAVE WITH AN X SO THEREFORE IT SHOULDN'T BE ANY CONTACT WITH AN X. NO MATTER WHAT UNLESS THEY HAVE CHILDREN THAN IS ABOUT PARENTING BUT IF NO CHILDREN THAN NONE SHOULD BE. THAT'S WHY AN X IS AN X COULDN'T WORK SHIT BETWEEN THEM THAN STAY AWAY AND THE FURTHEST THE BETTER.. SPEAK YOUR MIND TO HIM AND EXPLAIN WHY YOU MAY DISLIKE IT. COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS.

    1|0
    1|1
  • I'm of the opinion that people shouldn't be in contact with their ex, only exception is if kids are involved

    3|1
    0|0
  • I guess you should just ignore it. As long as it is in the past, there is no reason to worry. You are his new girlfriend, so focus on the life from here on. They'll eventually run out o subject to talk about.

    0|0
    0|0
  • You don't have to worry. Its just they don't hate each other after break up and that's why they are good friends. It will be too much if he do this even while you are with him. Because he will be giving her attention at that time when he needs to be with you and only you

    0|0
    0|0
  • Depends how comfortable you are together, can you handle being friends or is it so awkward that you can't stay in contact without having to talk about the past?

    0|0
    0|0
  • Whenever I have a question about how something should be in my relationship I run it through the Good old equality test. It's pretty much a series of questions where I asked myself "how would she feel if I was doing... (insert questionable Behavior)"

    0|0
    0|0
  • At some point in time, that person was a significant part of his life and meant a lot to him.
    He has supposedly moved on but to think that they will completely forget each other is just naive.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I don't know maybe it's just me or maybe I'm just naive cause I've been single for 22 years now but my ass wouldn't keep in contact with someone that broke my heart. I genuinely do not understand this dating thing and ex drama

    0|0
    0|0
  • I mean, being in contact with an ex isn't always necessarily a bad thing, but if you feel the need to worry, then perhaps it may be too much after all?

    0|0
    0|0
  • in my opinion one should not contact their exes if it is not necessary due to kids. It's a sign he did not move on.

    3|0
    0|0
  • Unless they had a child together, best for you to move on as he apparently has not.

    3|1
    0|0
  • Any contact at all is usually too much unless it was a mutual breakup

    1|0
    0|0
  • More from Guys
    42

What Girls Said 44

  • I'd say it completely depends on how things were before they got together. I was friends with one of my exes (I was 16, he was 18) for the longest time after we split as we were friends before (a couple months) . But on the other hand, my most recent ex and I were friends for over a year yet after we split he spread lies about me so I didn't want anything to do with him and he didn't want anything to do with me.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Like the saying goes, "An ex becoming friends after a break up, is like a kidnapper wanting to stay in contact after they let you go."

    Exs are not suppose to be in your life anymore. They are an ex for a reason.
    And if both people of that past relationship still wants the ex to be part of their life, aka "friends", then neither one of them has moved on.
    Bad decisions from there on.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I think too much contact is when they start to get too flirty and touchy-feely with each other, and when he starts prioritizing her over you.
    I wouldn’t be a super happy camper in that situation but sometimes these things happen. If there’s no fishy activity besides talking to each other, I wouldn’t mind it. Even if it was with an ex.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Well if it is just social media public commenting on pics and stuff i wouldn't worry thats fairly normal if they have a history of first moments together but if i were you id keep an eye out for private messaging because when exs start doing that it could lead to trouble especially with a history together

    0|0
    0|0
  • Contacting someone you're friends with is not unusual; people place far too much emphasis on social media, so what if he comments on photos? It's not like they're organising secret rendezvous or sleeping together.
    Just because someone broke up with someone else doesn't mean they want to not be in eachothers lives, it just means that they didn't work as a couple.

    0|2
    0|0
    • That's exactly what I was thinking. As long as said contact does not get prioritized over the current relationship, there isn't need for concern.

  • I think that no matter what we might consider “appropriate” or “too much” it is more about what you can tolerate and how much it makes you uncomfortable. Now, the first thing you’d want to ask yourself is if you’re being reasonable (ex: the messages or comments are not pretentious) but if what you have seen is something that raises a question then you might want to have a conversation with him about it.

    0|1
    0|0
  • Talk with him about it. Be clear about if he plans to continue his connection with her throughout your and his current relationship. But if be gets ecstatic and mad, that's a clear reaction that will give you closure on this.

    1|0
    0|0
  • It depends if you both moved on and if you live in the same neighborhood then you can’t help but seeing each other. That’s different from planning to meet each other. What reason are you meeting each other and why repeaddly?

    0|0
    0|0
  • Im still on very good terms with some of my exs and we talk all the time, it doesn't mean that id ever go back to them but they are still a part of my life and i care about them in a platonic way. Dont worry or read too much into it.

    0|0
    2|0
  • Absolutely no contact is fine. At least I wouldn't accept dating a person who is friends with an ex

    1|0
    0|0
  • I would imagine any contact that goes beyond a quick catch up once in a blue moon is too much.

    1|0
    0|0
  • My lesbian ex now friend seems to always contact at the worst possible time and cause problems. So too much is when is causes issues with the current lover.

    0|0
    0|0
  • To me you shouldn't be in contact with them. At all.
    Exes are called that for a reason.
    Also, if its as often as you're stating, it would lead me to believe there's feelings still there.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Any amount is too much in my opinion. If you're still in each other's lives, let me get out of that shit

    0|0
    0|0
  • As long as they are just friends then I don't think there is an issue, just treat her as you would any of his other friends that's considering you trust him.

    0|0
    1|0
  • Any contact with an ex is too much contact unless kids are involved.

    3|0
    0|0
  • In my opinion every contact with an ex is too much because to me it appears like someone is still attached to a person that in their eyes has girlfriend/boyfriend potential.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Every kind of contact with ex is too much in my opinion

    0|1
    0|1
  • I think that it's ok. As long as they aren't sexting. Maybe talk with him about your concerns? It is good to have an open, honest relationship!

    0|0
    0|0
  • You shouldn't even know of his ex girlfriend's. He should never bring them up or remember them. The past is the past. I'd drop his ass. Ain't nobody got time for that shit.

    0|0
    0|0
  • More from Girls
    24

Recommended myTakes

Loading...