Why do married men who love you stay in miserable marriages?

Story of my life... falling in love with married men who fall in love with me... but stay in a marriage where there is no passion, little intimacy and certainly no real love... what I hear is: for the children... for the family... for my parents... for my career... for the money... etc... etc... etc... don't guys have integrity? and the courage to choose happiness?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • 1) Stop falling in love with married men. Stay away from them. If you start seeing a man & find out he's married, dump him, & if you're seeking out married men, stop it, because all you're acting like is a homewrecker who's trying to take a man away from his family.

    2) I'm willing to bet so much here that these men are telling you everything they know you want to hear, just so you'll buy their crap & sleep with them. They'll feed you a line of shit about how their lives are miserable yet they don't want to leave because X, Y, Z--that means they're either lying through their teeth (EXTREMELY LIKELY) or they want you to feel sorry for them. Either way, it's to get in your pants. Most of the time men who cheat will never leave their families, because it's secure & because hell, THIS IS THEIR FAMILY. You mean nothing to them, you're just a side piece. As screwed up as they must be to cheat on their wives, they still married her, & even if there is no love there whatsoever, they will almost always stay for their kids. Plus, divorces are messy & often favor women, so they'd be shooting themselves in the foot by leaving their wives, ESPECIALLY if the wives find out about an affair, because then they become vengeful & will want to take the man to the cleaners for everything he has, as recompense for hurting them & ruining their families. Any man who willingly goes through with leaving his family for a side piece is stupid, simple as that, but that won't stop them from telling you they want to leave, because it convinces you that they love you when they're really just using you.

    3) Integrity? Courage to find happiness? Are you kidding me? Do you seriously consider these good traits, ESPECIALLY in this context? Imagine you were dating a married man, & he decided he would leave his wife & children for YOU. He marries you, abandons his former family--then what? Ever heard of "if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you"? If a man is capable of abandoning his wife and children like that, he'll easily do the same to you, because the first time is hardest & after that, they don't care as much.

    Plus, WHY WOULD YOU CONDONE THIS? Would you really want a man to be "happy" if it meant leaving his CHILDREN behind, who need their father, or his wife, to whom he pledged his love? That's selfish of him, shows he has NO INTEGRITY, & shows how selfish YOU are for wanting that. You're a homewrecking whore, plain and simple, if you continue this sort of behavior.

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    • *LOL* Great reply. Thank you. I'm not seeking married men; indeed, I walk if I hear they are married. The problem is that I often don't find out until months into the relationship. Men lie and, yes, I'm naive. I always tell the truth up front because, if there's not honesty, there's no real relationship.

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    • 7d

      Thank you, Sis... no need to apologize... I didn't take offense... I took your words are fair comment.

    • 7d

      Well, thank you for MHO. I hope a decent guy comes your way next time around--good Lord knows there aren't a whole lot left.

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What Guys Said 34

  • Why do women who choose to go after married men whine that the guy doesn't drop his whole life for her self centered ass?

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  • It's a dilemma. Man want happiness... but he does not want the people, children to be exact, to be unhappy for his pursuit. It's not about integrity. Don't fall for married men, you will end up hurting more people than you realize. If he's divorced or single it fine... don't put yourself between two married people, no matter how strained the marriage is...

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  • Guilty as charged. I stayed in a marriage for at least 5 years too long because I knew the ex-wife would screw me over in divorce if she had the chance... which she did in the end. I learned that lesson the hard way. I should have had a pre-nup and I should have ended it myself instead of dragging it out as long as I did.

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  • Cuz they are men and know what is responsibility.

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    • U have no integrity too. U go for married people. You like to break the house of other... if you are in the place of that person wife... will you feel happy... or you will be sad and hurt.

  • stop and think about the guys with whom you're referring.
    do you - in your widest hallucination - ever think they'd leave their wife for you? and - if they did - would you ever be able to trust them from doing the same to you?
    you can't control their integrity; you CAN control yours.
    it takes two, you know.

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  • For the children. They might not want to be a good husband, but they do want to be a good father. That's integrity. Courage to choose happiness? Maybe they place their kid's happiness more than their own happiness. That's called love. I would suggest both of you to have sex with others.. don't make it obvious though.. and stay together for the sake of your children. Once you have children, their happiness comes first, if you are a good parent.

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    • But how can you be a good parent when you are frustrated? You can ve good parent without staying in an unhappy marriage. I agree that she shouldn't have tried her luck with a married man in the first place, but if I'll ever get married and something happens and I'd be better leaving, I'd do it. I mean, your partner can become abusive... they can neglect you and the children and so on. I don't think it's better.

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    • @emmily2396 What I am going to say is not politically correct, but I am going to say it. The most important thing is your child's happiness. It is more important than your happiness. A child is happy when there are 2 parents in the home. Okay, so you say how can you be a good parent if you are frustrated. Here's a thought, for the sake of your kids, stay with your husband, and date other men in the meantime. That's a lot better than divorcing him and making your kids unhappy. This is the best compromise that you can do. When you cannot get intimacy from your significant other, and it is in your best interest to stay with him for the sake of your kids, you have the right to get it from others.

    • 7d

      Well spoken sir

  • People stay in bad situations/jobs/marriages because the 'cost' (in terms of time, emotions, money, etc ) to change is higher than the "cost" of staying. When the "cost " of staying becomes higher than the cost of changing, people change.

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  • Maybe they are happy and telling you what you want to hear so they can get what they want on the side. Hey here is a thought quit being a home wrecking slut and stay away from married men.

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  • Out of habit. If they divorce then they have to change their whole belief system about relationship and about being a good husband. The real question is how did they ended up in such a marriage in the first place. I think it goes way back into their childhood, they might have had an over protecting mother or an absent one.

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  • If he gets a divorce he could lose a lot to her, his home, half his pention, have to pay alimony, lose his kids if he has any... It's a big risk..

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    • 4d

      this is the best answer you deserve MHO

    • 4d

      Look you wanted opinions, I simply gave you mine. I know I wouldn't want my ex to take half of what I own just as I sure you wouldn't want to lose half of your stuff to an ex... If you don't believe this is true post it as a question, if you want I will do it so you don't have to

  • I have heard that in USA in case of divorce, no matter what you bring to the table, the split will be 50/50. Maybe some men have to much to lose just for hypothetical happiness.

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    • Yea but it’s more likely to be tipped more in the women’s favore even if she inishiates

    • 7d

      @Iamagoodguy : Well, this is also my point. Plus, her profile indicates that she is 69 years old so I assume that the men she is talking about are, let say, over 55 years old... at this age, people is usually Well established with à lot for stuff to lose un à court house...

    • 7d

      *a lot of stuff to lose in a court house. Sorry, French autocorrect !!!

  • for the children, so that they don't have to give free cash to their ex and all the other complications that come with breaking up in a marriage.

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  • Looks like your parents failed you, or you are damaged by something. Too bad. Probably embarrassing for your family.

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  • Probably all the reasons you stated plus an extreme fear of divorce court.

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  • I think people treat marriage like a more than simple relationship.. it's a foundation of a family and it brings a lot of duties to the members.. it is just how society defines it

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  • When you already have children means something was good previously , so first find out what has gone wrong coz what's fault of children and why shall they suffer for..

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  • it is complicated sitch, im a Cancerian guy so take loyalty very serious & 1 girl guy, but from the outside it would seem be hard as if true what say bout no love in marriage then by rights they should end it as kids not stupid & still effect them even if couple stay together just for kids they can sense it, its not a good spot as have to respect the marriage, but if he truly loved you he would end it but the kids & reasons are just excuses to not just be honest. it not a easy sitch & take time to sort no matter what way it goes,

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  • Married men are taking to women outside because they have no courage to begin with.

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  • Leave married men alone. There is plenty of Ds out there for you

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  • Just BECAUSE of their integrity they stick to the promises they had given.

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What Girls Said 9

  • The love of a side chick is rarely enough for them to leave the security of their marriage. It's much easier to keep the wife and toy with a naive side slap. Also, the same thing could be said about you and your lack of integrity.

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  • I do wish I knew! I went through this also! I still have his key too! Crazy!

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    • You're 37 and the Asker is 69. It's much too late for the both of you. To women beyond hope. It looks like your parents failed you both. How unfortunate.

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    • 6d

      @BlahBlehBluh 69, but look 40-something... age is just a number... genetics are everything...

    • 6d

      Who cares?

  • A man here said that men do NOT choose the easier option (and “easier option” would be my answer to your question), men choose what makes them happy, he wrote (which would be I assume his answer to your question).
    The truth is probably in between - you make him happy and it’s easier to stay married.
    That’s why I’d never get involved with a married man.

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  • You should stay out of the guy`s marriage. If he doesn`t leave the marriage for you, maybe your thing was a game to him. I would feel worse about being his toy rather than him not leaving his wife for you immediately. If you like him, give him time and be understanding. Maybe he wants the marriage to work. Maybe there are things in the way that can make it harder for him to work it out with you.

    I suggest if you don`t want this to happen anymore, stop hooking up with married men because they are most likely using you.

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    • 7d

      she's also using him. lets not make her a victim

  • Sad married man would do this. Don’t see the point in getting married if you aren’t happy anyway look what marriage has turned into.

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  • Convenience and that isn't love

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  • If they are interested enough they will leave at some point. They are just not that into you in the end.
    Sorry

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  • Sorry, but I have to question what kind of woman wants to break up a family. If you're so awesome that all these married men are falling in love with you, then you should be able to find a single guy.

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    • If she was a man would tou say the same about breaking a family?

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    • @emmily2396. If she has a part in it, she is breaking up a family. That doesn't mean she is acting alone. It's still a shitty thing to do. I'm not defensive, I just see no value in you splitting hairs to defend a home wrecker.

    • I don't agree with trying your luck with a married person. However, in many cases of cheating the blame is put only on the woman, that is why i was commenting.

  • Or you could...you know...stay away from married men. You talk about their integrity but I question the integrity of women who mess around with men they know are married. 🙄 There are plenty of men who aren't already taken. There, problem solved. You're welcome.

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