How NOT to feel insecure?

The story is a bit complicated but maybe common and I probably overanalyzed the whole thing.

I started being with this guy about a month ago. There have been many sweet things; we cook for each other exotic food from time to time, help each other on random issues and problems, etc.

I should feel happy for often than feeling insecure, but somehow I just keep analyzing this and that and feel insecure a lot. For example, a couple of days ago, I was at his place watching a movie, he invited a very close female friend (let's call her AA) of his to his place to have pizza with him. She was already drunk when she got there and after eating she was lying in his bed in her super mini skirt that you could literally see her panties, whereas I was also in his room watching that movie. She has problems with her long distance boyfriend and she's been telling stuff about her relationship issues to my bf.anyway they're just good friends in conclusion.

Yesterday he and I were supposed to go out to a movie, and he wanted to invite AA, and asked me if I was ok with it. I said "it's up to you" and he said, "you should say "sure/ok", and I said "if I said sure/ok I would be lying, so it's up to you". Eventually we didn't go to the movies; we went to an Indian restaurant instead. During dinner AA called and he hung up on her, and later she sent him a text message. I didn't see it, but he just started telling me how much he cares about his friends and how much he would defend for his friends. So I said, "if I were lying in RR's bed (his roommate) in a super mini skirt that you could totally see my panties, how would you feel?" He said he could understand that and she was just like that all the time, and he told me the story about how they met and how nice she is actually. He also had mentioned me to AA and she told him not to play with me, etc; actually he has mentioned me to all his friends, as whenever I meet a friend of his, they're always like, "yeah I know you."

So, I have every reason not to feel insecure right? I am confident about who I am; I am successful (22-year-old professional) and smart, good looking, but I've had plenty of relationship issues in the past. I've been with many men (about 10) and each time I was badly hurt, even though I have never had sex with any of them (but you actually get more vulnerable from just being intimate). After the 10th guy in my life, I swore to myself that I will not get hurt again; I promised myself that I am not going to find someone who's so popular among women to hurt myself again. But it seems like this guy is also very popular among women and he would do whatever to defend his friends.

I am so afraid of getting hurt. I hope this is just me being paranoid that something wrong will not actually happen. I need some answers. Thanks.


Most Helpful Guy

  • It is OK for a guy to have a girlfriend and a friend who is also a girl. And not all girlfriends of such guys should be suspicious of a friendship like this. But something in your situation gives you a bad vibe about your current boyfriend and this girl AA.

    Imagine your boyfriend to be loyal and honest to you; that is his actions along with his words are always sincere. Then you would be perfectly OK with his deep friendship with AA. Because not only will he be honest and open to you, but he would tell you exactly what is going on with her for the sole purpose of removing your suspicions. He would tell you at least about some of the conversations he has with her. Also if that were the case, AA could very well become a good friend of yours too, because one means of being open and honest would be to include you directly in their conversations such that it is impossible to hide anything and you would have no bad vibes whatsoever. And not only that, but AA would be polite to you because she hangs out with you just as much as she hangs out with him. But unfortunately this is not the case.

    Your boyfriend hides a few things about AA. It is natural in this situation for you to be suspicious. In fact I know how to have a friendship with a girl and not give her boyfriend bad vibes (this is not your situation, but it’s close enough). My friendships with girls are not covert friendships like your boyfriend’s and AA’s. One of my friends, who is a girl, has a boyfriend and she introduced me to her boyfriend and he totally trusts me and he gets no bad vibes. That’s because our friendship is close, but nothing more. So I know how to make people feel comfortable and relaxing in my company. They have invited me at times to be the third wheel on a date (they of course wouldn’t do this on every date). The simple trick is to act genuine and not to hide anything, and to be polite and to have good manners. Your boyfriend either doesn’t know this or he might have something to hide in particular.

    So my general advice is you can’t just make yourself feel secure and trusting of your boyfriend in your situation. If you did feel secure, then it would occur naturally and your boyfriend would know how to gain your trust and he would know exactly how to eliminate your suspicion. The fact that he doesn’t do this means that he is at least a douchbag and doesn’t have manners. The fact that AA tells your boyfriend not to play with you means that AA doesn’t like you. And it sounds like your boyfriend’s friends are rude to you. If your boyfriend was sincere then you would not be afraid and he would introduce you to his friends politely and they would also be polite. Naturally you are seeing some form of a pattern behavior in your current boyfriend and his friends. Rudeness is always a pattern. The fact that his friends are rude to you is one reason why you are suspicious. This seemingly subtle issue may not be subtle at all.

    • Hmm what she meant by "not playing with me" means that he shouldn't play with my feelings...Could you explain how that appears to be rude?

    • At least your boyfriend's friends who address you as "yeah I know" are rude. About AA, I misinterpreted what you first meant by "stop playing with me." The word "feelings" should have been written there. AA may be a nice girl if she said "stop playing with your feelings" to your boyfriend.

    • I see...Hmm. Thanks!

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • the fact that he is not able to forget and often talks abt AA only depicts that he stil likes her and want to afloat you in the same boat with AA on the other side.

    Be ware, this may be the 11th guy in the making, so better focus into ur profession nd choose a guy who respects you in every term. rest is ur choice!

    • But AA is not his ex gf. they have never done anything intimate or sexual...

    • Irrespective, play a safe game!!!

  • It would be better to know a few more things before giving you a full reply. How many guys have you had sex with? have you had sex with the current guy? What are your initial thoughts or expectations when going into any new relationship, either romantic or otherwise?

    • Well, I've never had sex with anyone (which means I'm still a virgin) and I've never had sex with this guy either. when iget into a new relationship of course I'm looking forward to something romantic instead of physical.

What Girls Said 5

  • You could try to ignore it, for the sake of being with him. But the feeling won't go away.

    It will bother you until he lessens seeing her, talking to her, etc.

    If he knows how you feel, and he truly cares about you, then he will know what to do to keep you in his life. Maybe lessen his communication with her and stuff. Or taking you along whenever she is around, or is gonna be around.

    If it bothers you, then talk to him about it. DONT give him an ultimatum though!

    However, If he refuses to solve the problem with you, then I suggest you leave.

    You feel insecure because you are lacking something from him. And a part of you feels like you're not good enough for him. Which isn't good for you.

    Not to make you worry even more, but I have a friend who got dumped by her boyfriend because she made him choose between her and his "female buddy". He said she's just like a little sister. But my friend felt, insecure, and didn't like it. He got mad, and left his gf. Then a couple of days later hooked up with his "female buddy".

    My ex did the same thing. I'm not the jealous type, so I was ok about him having female friends. Somewhere deep down it botherd me alil. But I shrugged it off. He said they were like his little sister. Well he had 2 "little sister" type friends. He left me for one. And later on tried to get with the other one.

    • Whoa...those men are cheap aren't they. Well I talked to him directly about this last night. I said I was scared of getting hurt because I felt his friends are more important than me. He promised he will not hurt me or cheat on me and told me not to worry about things like that. He said he just got out of a 3-yr relationship and he pretended to be someone else and left his friends, but that's not who he is. So this time he's entirely honest with me.

    • Show All
    • Thats good.

      Take it slow with him, and get to know his friends.

      Just ask him to reassure you once in awhile, until you get over the insecure feeling.

      Good luck :)

    • Good to know. Thanks!

  • your boyfriend is fond of this lady but there is nothing more to it. you can lose him if you make a big deal out of it and he'll in turn resent the whole thing. but most likely he'll stick to whoever is going to be more loyal to him.

    • This is quite convinving. thanks! he invited me to his place for dinner again. let's see what happens.

  • Honestly, if you aren’t happy about the way things are going just break up with him, you guys can still be friends! I mean you haven’t been dating him for too long. Apparently this guy sounds like he isn’t your type in personality wise, right? They probably are just friends; I have some very close guy friends who have girlfriends… I slept over one of my guy friend’s house whom I tell everything to (in the same bed, alone!) and his girlfriend was completely okay with that because she knew me and him were just friends and guess what?!?!?! We are just friends! =) However, depending on girl to girl it may not be as comfortable for you to just be that okay, which is totally fine! But if that’s not your type of guy, go for something else, someone who will make you happy instead of worried. =)

  • It all depends, which is the correct answer for every question--that's what I learned in law school anyway, lol. As the guy said, there are a lot of factors which you failed to mention that need to be taken into consideration. You said you're a virgin, does this guy know it? if so, how does he feel about it? Are you two "steady"? If so, maybe you need to tell him you're uncomfortable with her behavior towards him--do not stop him from seeing her, just let him know how you feel. If he likes you that much, he'll hang out with this girl less often or in a group setting so that your feelings won't get hurt. Also, has this guy ever been physically/romantically been involved with this woman or was he ever interested in her? A man told me this, and it's so true, 99% of all straight male-female friendships are based on either an initial attraction (either one sided or mutual) or are taken to the next level. As to what she advised him on dating you, women are insecure, catty, and jealous, so MAYBE she's interested in him romantically and is threatened by your presence. Last, but not least, I give you props for keeping your virginity for that long.wish there were more girls like you

    • Yeah he knows I'm a virgin the first time we did something intimate. He seemed to be pretty excited upon hearing that...I don't know how to define "steady". I mean, we text each other every day, but now I believe his female friends text him more than I do...He also has another close female friend whose husband is crazy busy and out of town very very often (like twice a month). It just occurs to me that women with relationship issues tend to be his close friends.

  • I dated a man who had a friend that was a girl. They were best friends. They watched movies together, and they called into the late hours and talked about issues. She was married and was pregnant. She was not with him, and I knew that for damn sure. It is the rarest case scenario I have ever seen. This rarely even happens unless the man is bisexual or gay. It bothered me, and it would bother any women. If he gets short when you talk about how you feel, then you should be worried. Look up the red flags, and watch for them, but don't be obsessive. It can happen that they are just friends, although it is extremely rare.

    • Exactly. I learned my lesson the hard way. My relationship with this guy ended about 6 months ago. Only a few weeks after the breakup he entered another relationship with a girl who he used to claim uninteresting and just a friend.