Why do I feel guilty about this? Did I do what was right?

R_ūshī
It feels weird writing a post about my problems publicly like that... not used to it but I think it'll help me.

So today, I finally told my mom that I need a therapist. I don't know if it went well and I don't know how I feel about having told her. I didn't tell her about my problems. She kept asking and I was in tears and told her that I'll never tell her. I'll only open up to the therapist.

I've been having problems since I was 4. I know that this is very young to have problems like that but I really did have problems back then. It's been 15 years and I've never told my family about my problems. I started trying to kill myself at just 11. I stopped and felt like It all was getting better afterwards until I turned 13 and from there, my life took a left turn and only went downhill.

About a week or 2 ago, I tried cutting my hand and choking myself to death and I've been trying it almost every day since then. Today, I felt like this has become an addiction so I decided to reach out to my mom.

This must be all so weird for her. I always hid everything from my family so cleverly that they never even had doubts that I have problems. My goal was to never tell anyone anything and deal with it once I'm on my own. I swear I only did it because when I was a kid, I wasn't close at all to my parents. I started bonding with them only at around 12 and it was already too late to tell them how I felt and I didn't want them to worry about me ever. Also, I never learnt how to communicate and open up. I feel defeated because I feel like I couldn't be strong enough to hide things for a bit longer.

I've been to a counsellor a couple of times before because my parents felt that I was stressed. I never told him anything and pretended that it was the stress when in reality, I was having problems. I didn't want his help because he's one of my dad's closest friends and he'd definitely have spilled the tea.
Why do I feel guilty about this? Did I do what was right?
Why do I feel guilty about this? Did I do what was right?
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