Sorry, but any thoughts on this?

Nimbeast
Just something I want to talk about. I've been facing mental issues/challenges for the past 3-4years now and my friends keep telling me to get help. Like I've spoken to my best mates about it and even one of their girlfriends about it. Like I'll talk to them about the stuff I have going on etc. But I don't want to get help from medical professionals/medication. I've considered suicide plenty of times during these recent years. Especially when I'm driving along the highways by myself. I've attempted suicide multiples over the years not cutting or ropes but my mom's prescriptions, whole boxes of panadol. Even alcohol poisoning a couple of times where I have actually stopped my heart (apparently). But I don't know really I always feel guilty whenever I consider suicide thinking about my family and the state I'd leave them in, but it doesn't seem to stop me. Sometimes it does and other times it doesn't. Even my boss has noticed at work and has told me multiple times to seek help🤦‍♂️. According to my Nana though on both sides of my family (father and mother) there is a history of alcoholism and mental health issues. I got the best of both worlds apparently. I'm not sure if my problem stems from the fact I would rather help others than myself if that makes sense, like I've been to multiple courses over the past year (first aid course, fire fighting course etc.) and the trainers all state that you/yourself are the no.1 person of importance because if you/yourself get injured in the process you just add to the casualties list and make the problem worse than what it originally was. I've had co workers tell me to look after myself for a change but I just can't bring myself too (as in my mental well being physically I'm fine).
I don't even know if this is going to make sense guys.. sorry for having a longish piece of text guys but I felt like I needed to spill something.
Sorry, but any thoughts on this?
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