What's wrong with me? Or is it everything except me?

Anonymous
Honestly, though. Why am I here

Every day is the same thing. It's so devoid of color that everything seems meaningless. I wake up to my mother screaming at me. The same thing as usual. I go to school with my headphones on, just the keep the noise of this terrible place out. Sleepy, because of insomnia during the night. Trying to stay awake, you know? People being loud... hurting my ears... stop yelling, please.. just stop yelling. Everything is loud. Put on the headphones and turn on the music, just keep out the music.. hurting my ears. The music won't block out the noise.

I go home after another day of failing algebra but acing everything else. I get home around six, because my parents work late. Our school doesn't have a bus, so I have to sit around at school for an additional three hours.

I finally get home, feed my dog, do my homework, listen to my insane mother's screaming, then lay there on my floor trying to sleep. I fail to fall asleep and just mess around in the dark, perhaps scroll around online.. up until three or so in the morning, listening to the sound of the crickets chirping. Crying seems like it's become a habit. It's not like I have a bad life or anything. I live in a wealthy home and go to a rather expensive yet prestigious private school. Seems like my life is just laid out in front of me right? "You're so blessed. You live with a wealthy family and you're pretty and smart."

Then why do I feel like the worth of dog shit surpasses the worth of my very life? I feel as though I'm not allowed to feel this way because "My life is so perfect"

I'm genuinely trying to understand why I hate myself so much. Do I even hate myself at all? Or is it the rest of this world that I hate? Based off of what I've said here, did I do something wrong? Is there a reason I feel so down in the dumps? Is this all just stupid? What point is there to living? I'll graduate, get a job, perhaps get married, retire, then die. Is life seriously all about waiting for death?
Updates:
12 d
Do people who commit suicide go to heaven? Also do pills that make you delusional exist? I'd google it, but I don't want it on our internet history
What's wrong with me? Or is it everything except me?
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