Do you think it's reasonable to cheat on your spouse if you're in a marriage with multiple children but your spouse never has sex with you?

I'm just curious what people think about this subject

    Vote A
  • YES
    Vote B
  • NO
    Vote C
    Vote D
  • You should probably just divorce even though it's complicated?
    Vote E
  • The above sounds idyllic but that just doesn't work, maybe do an open relationship? But isn't that just consentual cheating?
    Vote F
  • Mate, I have no idea what to think.
    Vote G
Select a gender to cast your vote:
I'm a GirlI'm a Guy
CHEATING means having sex with someone else without the non-consenting spouse knowing about it


Most Helpful Girl

  • Like my dad says (he's a divirce lawyer) "if the sex is bad or non-existed, the relationship is bad". If she doesn't want sex, there's something wrong and if you can't fix it, you should divorce. Cheating is never right and cheating is also most of the times a result of a bad relationship.

    • That actually makes sense and I can't refute it in any way, haha.
      *placing a mark here, I hope I'll find it later*

    • But can there be any instance where it is for example financially more reasonable to maintain your current relationship (you don't have your own house, and you live at your spouse) rather than break up immediately? Or does it just make things even more complicated?

    • If your relationship is healthy then you'll find a way to have sex. Like in the car/ dunes/ forest/ dressing room lol. Sex is a result of physical attraction, sex drive and love.

Most Helpful Guy

  • What does 'cheating' mean? It means cheating on the agreement or breaking the agreement, in this case the marriage agreement. Unilaterally ceasing to have sex is, therefore, a form of cheating.

    Ideally, in such a situation, there would be a divorce. But, the family courts being what they are these days, I can understand why one would not choose to get divorced.

    • You know what, I totally agree refusing to have sex to your married partner is a form of cheating! Never thought of it that way before! Definitely a form of abuse and grounds for divorce!

    • Haha that's an interesting way to think about it. I think I'm going to include that in my pre nup if I ever get married so that's it set in stone ;)

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 23

  • No, I don't think cheating is ever acceptable or justified. If someone is unhappy in their marriage then they need to confront their partner and try to come to some sort of agreement or compromise. If they can't do that, then they should just get divorced instead of cheating.

    • what kind of compromise could be made?

    • Depends on the couple. You mentioned an open marriage, though very few people would agree to that. I don't consider that cheating though if both people know about it and agree to it.

  • Of your spouse is refusing sex with you and it's on ongoing thing then they need to get the fuck out of the marriage. Who wants to live like that? Cheating won't fix the problem. There's obviously more to it than just intimacy and if you can't be intimate with your spouse then time to end it and find someone who will. People don't realize they are in charge of their life. They don't need to stay in unhappy marriages. Get the fuck out if you are not happy!!!

    • It sure sounds like the right choice in concept, but is getting out really that simple, if you share a home, maybe even share bank accounts and valuables?

    • Yes it is that simple. I did it almost a year ago. In order for me to be happy, it's worth the ordeals of custody and money arrangements and court dates. We are both happier people.

    • Well-made decision, then. It being beneficial to both is the best possible outcome in the end.

  • Cheating solves nothing and is selfish. I've been cheated on and cheated emotionally. I regret cheating because the look and reaction of my husband was the most heart breaking experience in my life. I still see his sadness And still feel guilt. And being cheated on is just as bad, you live forever questioing your self worth and are anxious of everything your spouse says and does. Save yourself that drama! You should 100% talk with your spouse on a serious and loving manner. Be open to ideas explain how you're feeling and keep pressing. Tell her you desire her, woo her, kiss her and hug her and treat her how you want to be treated. Seek professional help with a therapist, read articles and books on ideas to fix the issue. Romance the Hell out of her find ever way possible to make it work. Never cheat, its not worth it.

    • Are you sure withholding sex is not equally selfish or even more selfish, knowing that your partner desires it and doesn't know what to do if you reject time and time again?

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    • Lol, well the truth is I probably haven't been the best at something my husband thinks is romantic, because our opinion is different on the subject. True you can ask or be given a hug from anyone. But the mistake I feel that is made is it is assumed that hugs and other notes of affection can be skipped and straight for sex or that affection always leads to sex. They are different but can be connected. Girls sometimes just want a hug to feel extra close to their man. She can get a hug from a girl friend or her mom, but she wants it from you. To feel close.
      romance can be writing poems but like I said it's all about who is on the receiving end whether it's appreciated. Just like me talking dirty to my spouse Would be more arrousing and loving for him vs. A love note to me to feel really connected to that person and making them happy. 😊 love your opinions, it is interesting to see and hear both sides!

    • Well, that makes sense too! The key word in the end is balance.
      I'm not really the "other side" though, I don't think there are just two sides - we are all different a bit, whether male or female :D

  • No it's not reasonable.

    I am the youngest of 5.
    My mother cheated on my dad with a paedophile when I was 13.

    I don't understand anyone who can look at a whole family and go "ah I don't care, my penis/vagina needs loving!!!"

    I've been through dry spells, I understand it's different. But if you are wanting to step out on your other half you clearly don't love them. Don't use the children as a weapon or as an excuse, the reality is if you were single you would either work on it or move on.

    It's never acceptable to cheat. I've been cheated on as "just a relationship", and I watched my mother cheat. It's never okay. You might see it as a bit of fun while you dip the tip in ink but is it worth it when you lose everything and your children's respect? I haven't seen my mum in 6 years and I never plan to see or speak to her again.

    • In the end, while I tend to be against cheating as a concept, some people do it as a last resort.
      Your mother also probably had her reasons too.
      I mean, not every guy people date is a pedophile.

    • She cheated because she was unhappy. She wanted to remain married to my dad (access to his money - joint bank account) but sleep with someone else. When dad filed for a divorce she took him to the cleaners and took my university fund.
      No, true. But I honestly feel that 99% of the time cheating is unacceptable. Only once I saw a "good" reason for it, but most people are self centred assholes with an asshole coating and they should be ashamed of their behaviour. Keep it in your trousers, you're an adult who knows the consequences, think of others before you think of your squish mitten.
      (Something I'm quite passionate about)

  • I have never heard a valid reason to "justify" cheating. And I don't think there is one. You either pony up and confront your partner about the issues about it, or you get a divorce. I think people are trash if they decide to cheat. And I will treat them as trash they have made of themselves. No respect nor sympathy from me.

  • its NEVER RIGHT to cheat

    • are you sure if there cannot ever be circumstances in which it is reasonable

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    • I agree with babe 100% on this

  • Nothing in the entire world justifies cheating. Either sort it out or get a divorce. Simple as that.

  • You shouldn't do that. When they say in sickness and in wealth they mean through good and bad. So by cheating your saying sorry hubby but I dot want to stick to by you in bad time. So basically you've broken your vow and the marriage is pretty much emotionally over.
    Don't make promises you can't keep. You promised and now it's broken. So what else are you going to break. So just end it because i they can do it again they will

    • Isn't them refusing to have sex even after asking multiple times already them breaking their vow and having made a promise they couldn't keep?

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    • Sex shouldn't be the only thing stopping you from getting married or pushing you to do it. You should talk about sex and hat your comfortable with before marriage to decide what's a deal breaker or not. Most people tend To discuss these things before getting really serious

    • ... that was just how I feel about "waiting until marriage" in general :P
      of course they discuss it earlier
      It of course is a question whether someone is willing to wait that long when the time of marriage is unpredictable, while the emotions of arousal and unwantedness from not connecting sexually with your partner just get worse with time.

  • Instead of cheating.. how about you look into these possible causes first and look for a solution to make her desire rise or come back? If she's just tired from watching those multiple children 24/7 a day and cooking and cleaning after all of you, you try to help out after work or takeover a weekend and see if you are not tired at the end of the weekend?
    If she needs romance to want sex.. do you provide enough romance? And not what you think is romantic, but what she thinks is romantic?

    Cheating is just the cheap and easy way out, instead of putting work into the relationship.

    • Isn't it a bit of a vicious circle though? If all you see is that despite how you do your best according to what you think is best, your partner still doesn't really value it enough to feel that engaging in physical intimacy with you is actually valuable? If what you see is that they don't even bother with something so simple, because they just don't seem to care - then why should you?

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    • lol it's only dramatic when she doesn't make you feel loved, but you never once stop to think if you actually make her feel loved besides wanting to give her the D

    • trade is a must if the goods are not valued equally by each party to get to a win win situation

  • Cheating is never an acceptable answer. And in my opinion divorce should never be considered unless there is some type of abuse going on.
    If you have a problem, talk to your spouse about it. Find a way too make work. Consider marriage or sex therapy. By all means try to make it work first before throwing in the towel.
    That is what is wrong with this generation. If we have the mind set if its broke, throw it out. Our divorce rate is threw the roof. Over half of the couples that get married between the ages of 18-25 will get a divorce before the first five years.
    As I said in certain cases divorce is OK , but should never be considered acceptable. And the same goes for cheating!

    • I think people divorce because there is no clear mutually beneficial solution to the problem.

      For example, one party wants sex, and the other party never wants sex. :P

    • People divorce because they do not want to work it out. Or because one is too stubborn or hard headed to see the other persons reasoning. Marriage is a mutual agreement between two grown adults. Adults confront and solve issues together in a reasonable manner. Your spouse or partner is not a toy to be used then thrown away when you become bored with it. "Til Death do us part" means just that.

    • I like this, i feel marriage us too fickle now days

  • No, cheating is never ever under any circumstance acceptable, in my opinion. People can divorce, separate, do whatever before that happens. However, if they're being denied sex, there is usually a reason for it, and instead of jumping straight to divorce like most marriages today, they should try to actually fix the problem. Get counselling, learn how to get the spark back, fix any medical issues, etc. People marry for a reason and it isn't because they never liked each other.

  • Of course not, why would cheating be the best solution for this problem, go get counseling, talk to your wife/husband and find out what's really wrong or maybe they're too stressed out with all the children you have so they need some extra help, there's so many more options then to go cheat.

  • It is never okay to cheat. Ever. Anyone you have committed to.

    • According to what TractorBeam said below, isn't denying sex in a marriage already a cheating upon the contract that was signed?

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    • You can change "male" to "female, and "female" to "male" ya know.

      "in the event that the male in the marriage deems it necessary to withhold intercourse, then the female in the marriage is given a free hall pass to fuck any other man she wants."

      And of course it's not true. Sometimes it makes sense. I'm talking about extended time periods, for example, like HALF A YEAR or a YEAR or MORE.

      That, and I'm still a bit confused why i'm despicable. I think both parties should want to share the experience with one another. Is that really entitlement? Maybe. But if I'm not loved in my own relationship, then why the fuck am I still in it? If my partner doesn't love me, why does she bother to stick around? Kinda the same thing, on a physical level.

    • Or do you think "sex" is nothing more than the ultimate form of female oppression, and the flourishment of rape culture and the patriarchy?

      In which case, I think you are the one with the odd views on sexuality as a form of harassment, rather than expression of intimacy.

  • I wouldn't. I would, suggest an open marriage.

    • Would you really be okay with having sex with other people, knowing that you are doing that because your own spouse is unwilling?

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    • I wish, I had gone Anonymous here.-. I would of shared more details. But sorry, I won't discuss more. I still stand by what I said.

    • Oh, okay. thanks for the input though. :)

  • Nope. Cheating is NEVER okay.

  • thats just disgusting, why would you cheat there's never any need either divorce or deal with it

    • Of course one would say "deal with it" when they're the cause, but how would you feel if your partner decided that they are not willing to have sex with you ever again, and you're married?

  • Well in Islamic culture, it is a must that a wife have sex with their husband when he is in the mood. Not because women are to be completely submissive, but because sexual relation is one of the most important things in a marriage to keep a man and his wife to have mutual love and affection for each other. Men are scientifically proven to have much higher sex drives than women. Men just don't want sex, but they NEED sex. And when a women denies sex to her husband for no valid reason (except when she's on her period, or if she is feeling ill), it is considered a sin for her to reject him. Again, she is not being sinned because "she as a woman and has to be submissive to his will" or anything. But she is being sinned for the reason that her husband is getting one step closer to looking for sex somewhere else (cheating). He may not cheat on her or have thoughts of cheating right away, but as time goes on, it starts building up, and eventually, cheating doesn't seem like such a bad idea anymore. An there's living proof of that here in America where most women use sex as a weapon with their husbands. Of course, adultery is one of the most dangerous sin in Islam and it is deemed very punishable (unless the adulterer repents sincerely for their action), but as a wife, it is considered her duty to fulfill her husbands desires, so that he doesn't start getting those ideas. At the end of the day, we are all humans and we all have desires and temptations. It is wrong to cheat on your wife 100%. But if she has no valid reason to not have sex with you (such as being physically or mentally sick), then she is 100% wrong.

    • Conclusion: instead of cheating, maybe get a divorce.

    • While I think that's a bit excessive in my opinion as the female does not have the right to refuse, I think the biggest problem is that she would even choose to refuse to begin with! It is strange that some people sometimes think of it as some kind of chore, rather than an opportunity to share intimacy through the ultimate form of physical affection.

      And yes, adultery (cheating) really is a highly punishable thing in Islam. I'm not sure I really stand by the harsh judgements of Islam.

  • Withholding sex is a form of cheating. No one should be forced to have sex. Nor should anyone be forced to not have sex. If one doesn't want it, their partner deserves to get it elsewhere.

    • If one chooses to have sex elsewhere, should they tell their partner about it, or should they rather not (what they don't know about does not hurt them)?

    • They should use condoms and hide if if deemed necessary.

    • Condoms are an obvious necessity if people don't want a higher risk of pregnancy and possible STD transmission if someone could be a carrier (or at least hasn't been proven not to be one).

  • I've been questioning the exact same thing since 2 years ago and until today still haven't found the answer to that. A lot of people say "talk it out first" but the question is what happens after you talk things through and still cannot find a solution? Some people would say "you risk your family to get laid?" but if you look at human basic needs, sex is one of them. It's normal that you would go far to get that fulfilled. Some people say "you can't just throw it away just because it doesn't work" where actually by getting a divorce because you don't get laid is you throwing things away. You cheat because you want to keep your marriage and family and fulfill one of your basic needs at the same time even though the cheating itself risks your family if you get caught. But the cheater might think "what my partner doesn't know won't hurt them". My best friend is in the exact same situation. His wife just doesn't wanna have sex with him as much as he needs her to, thehave done everything they can to solve the problem. They even went to a doctor. He doesn't jerk off. He cannot jerk off. So he chose to cheat on her. I chose E.

    • Exactly! That is why this is such a complicated question. So in the end, you claim divorce is the final answer, as all other solutions cause more long-term harm than good?

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    • Ah, I see. Although in my opinion, most people don't start being disloyal without reason. People don't cheat without reason either. I'm not sure I could blame your best friend either, for example - but it'd be still a problem, coming into terms with yourself violating the pact you yourself signed...

    • Yeah. Well I guess there's no one to blame. It's just life happens. I can't really say much since I'm not married yet. But from what I can see is that marriage is more than just things between two people, it's about them, their children, their families, their freinds, it's people who share lives. I guess at the end it would come down to why people get married? I don't know. It is very complicated.

  • That unfortunate and my heart goes out to you, but, your kids growing up in an intact family - which cheating jeopardizes - is exponentially more important than you getting laid, so suck it up. It won't last forever.

    • Luckily the situation is hypothetical and hasn't actually happened to me.

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    • Apart from situations of violence or severe addiction, children are rarely happier in broken homes.

    • Why won't it last forever? What's going to change? Or is the plan to wait a few decades, then divorce?

  • No, there is a deeper issue there. I hope the spouse isn't blinded by their unfulfilled desires, so that they can figure out what's going on.

    • What kind of deeper issues can you envision that would be a reason behind why a spouse would refuse sex multiple times?

    • Well, for a man he could have sexual dysfunction, bodies issues, work, stress, mid life crisis etc...

      For a woman, after popping out multiple kids she could feel ashamed of her lower parts, her weight, midlife crisis other body issues etc.

  • You should try and talk it out first and if they still don't make any improvements, then give them a warning that if things don't change, you won't be able to deal with it any longer.

    • What would happen then? When you decide you can't deal with it?

    • That's up to you. In my opinion you gave them a fair warning that you are not happy and that anything could happen if things don't change. They aren't stupid not to realize that you might even cheat if you aren't happy, so if they don't do something, then it's their fault too.

  • D + work the marriage out. If you can't do that, then E

    • Simple solution would be for the female to consent to having sex from time to time

      But let's assume she is unwilling because "reasons"

      And there is nothing you can do to change her mind

    • Marriage without sex doesn't sound like a healthy marriage so divorce sounds like the best solution.

What Guys Said 10

  • I think cheating is probably the worst possible thing that could be done in a relationship. Having said thay, if I caught my wife cheating I wouldn't dump her on the spot. I would analyze the situation and why she cheated on me. If the why is justified then I'd forgive her. For instance, if I stopped paying attention to her, treated her like a roommate and not my wife, didn't make her feel loved, didn't put any effort in the relationship, and she communcated this to me multiple times and for a long time and I did absolutely nothing about it, I would blame myself for her cheating and would forgive her.

    • makes sense in concept, but could that really happen - that she TRIED to communicate this and you wouldn't notice?

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    • @guy532 , a lot of so-called cheating is very much like the above example.
      50% of women will have all but stopped any sexual contact and physical affection with their partner, by 4 years into a marriage. Others take a little longer, and only 20% will still be having regular sex at 20 years. That's life. Get used to it.

      That explains why most women who cheat in marriage begin doing it after 5 years. Most men who cheat in marriage begin doing it after 10 years, because they've been missing out on sex and affection for more than 5 years. They were stupid enough to somehow believe that it might get better, and didn't want to give up. Reality eventually sets in.

    • That's why I aim for my relationship to be in that 20%

  • How can you possibly be sexually cheating on someone LONG AFTER THEY HAVE ENDED ANY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP THEY HAD WITH YOU?
    You can't be guilty of cheating on an estranged ex-lover, even if you both still live under one roof.

    For clarity sake it, could be best to get her to first admit that there is no longer any sexual relationship and that she ended it.
    Then she has no right to jump up and down, when you start something new.

    • Hmm, if you look at it that way, then it's not technically cheating.
      But should she know about it?

  • Obviously that would be acceptable. If your wife refuses to have sex with you, it would only be reasonable to get sex elsewhere. It would be like if a resturaunt refused to serve you, and then ask if it's acceptable to eat elsewhere.

  • A lack of sex in a relationship / marriage , will enevitably cause hardship thus argueing ; get away from each other a broken home for the children is bad but growing up in one full of bickering and arguing is more toxic to a child

  • I onced asked about getting sex from someone else if your partner was a virgin (waiting for marriage).

    Anyhow I voted c. Talk to your partner and find a way to spice up then seex life

    • Technically if they are waiting for marriage, at least there is a chance for them jumping your bones the moment you put the ring on them or something and sign the legal papers

      if you are already locked down and they are still unwilling to have sex, then you're screwed with no real moral options open for you that actually don't make you suffer

      so then, what should one choose?

    • If she is with holding sex I think its reasonable to get it somewhere else or at least bring that up.

  • So how did they have children? Did they adopt? Or from her previous husband or bf she had kids? If that was the case you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone like that anyways people like that are too much baggage.

    • They probably had had sex before, then the female decided that this is just a chore and totally not worth it, and to avoid any kind of accidental procreation or so. Of course, you could invert this and say the guy doesn't want to risk having more kids.

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    • I'm pretty sure that gets old after a while.

    • Not the video games lol

  • I would focus on why it is not happening first and foremost.

    • Because they don't want to!
      They don't feel like it
      What do you do after that?

    • Why do they not want to or dont feel like it though? If they dont give explanations to this then I would have never married them in the first place.

    • Good luck with "focusing on why". Here's the most common cause, and there there will be nothing you or she can do about it. It won't matter if you're a better man than ever before, or even the greatest lover in the world. Been there, done that.

  • How many that say its never OK to cheat have multiple children and will lose custody of them and pay a ridiculous amount of child support if divorced? None I bet. Cheaper to keep her is sadly true. Fucked if you do. Fucked if you don't. Might as well fuck. She won't take care of business... somebody will. Now this is if you have exhausted all avenues and she isn't willing to contribute.

  • My wife has been cheating on me for about 2 years now. And i stay for the sake of my son. To tell you the truth are lives are normal if you knew us but she has a dark side that i know about all of the guys she texts and flirts with when out with her friends. Basically my life sucks but ill put up with and do anything to ensure my sons happiness even if it is sacrificing my own.

  • Honeslty, mate, I stopped reading at the word cheat. Cheating in itself is a big no go Zone, regardless of whatever reason/s you may have to prove (lie) to yourself that it is the right thing to do.