Why can't he get to the next level?

So...I met this guy 10 years ago. We dated about a year, got into a really stupid disagreement one night, and that was the end of it. I moved, got prego, came back, he found out I was back and wanted to get back together. I was prego, so it didn't happen. That didn't stop him from being in my life though. After the baby was born, he was the first one to call me at the hospital. First one to meet the baby (after the family). Ever since then, he's been in and out of my life. We'll start talking/hanging out again, then poof...he's gone. Sometimes for at least a year. Then one day he'll call, we'll spend all night on the phone, meet up, spend all night talking away as if we never broke up. We'll start talking/hanging out again, then, once again...poof. Fast-forward to present...He's back in my life again. I know it sounds silly, but, really, this time 'round is different. He talks to me differently and looks at me differently. I've told him flat out that I don't want to be a "right now". I told him that I'm not looking for marriage or for him to take care of me or anything. Then he gets frustrated and doesn't talk to me for a few weeks. Finally he'll answer my call/text and say something like "sometimes I just need to be left alone" He's told me that he knows that I am perfect for him and that leaving me was the biggest mistake in his life, but he doesn't think that he's good enough for me. I responded with "are you high?" I've tried to walk away, and tell him he wins...I give up. He won't let me. He'll start calling/texting me like crazy. And when we do get together...OMG it's incredible. He holds me and caresses me in ways that you don't do if you're just looking for sex or a rebound. I know that's not the case. Most of the time we get together we don't have any physical connection like that. Why does he do this? I know that he cares about me, no denying that, but why can't he get to the next level? Is there a next level? All my friends meet him and are like OMG he can't keep his eyes off of you. His friends look at us and just smile at him (the knowing kind of smile, you know) If it's so obvious to everyone else, why can't he figure it out? And I know it has nothing to do with my girls...he absolutely adores them, and they do him. I just don't get it. Any advice/insight would be appreciated.


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What Guys Said 2

  • I don't know if you have to end it. Right not, it's not clear to me that he knows what you want. I think you need to be brave enough for both of you, and take the risk to tell him what you want.

    • Well. I guess you're right...to a point. Bu am I suppossed to just sit him down and say "Hey, this is what I want. Take it our I' have to leave/" I don't want to give him an ultimatum or anything.

    • You don't have to give him an ultimatum. You can say 'sweetie, I want to be your girlfriend. Will you so steady with me'? Something really cheesy like that. Or just say, 'I love you just the way you are, and I want you have you around more.'

      PS I'm not sure why I answered this twice. Sorry ;-)

  • How can he take it to the next level when you've told him that you don't want marriage or for him to take care of you?

    I think you need to sit him down and tell him what you do want.

    • Do you really think that's what the deal is? I mean, when I said that I'm not looking for marriage or for him to take care of me, I meant I'm not going to rush him into anything. Kids are a big deal, and I don't want him to think that I'm one of those girls who are looking for that.

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    • He can't enjoy the ride because he's not comfortable there: he feels he doesn't deserve you, he might feel he's preventing you and your girls from finding the kind of man you do want to settle down with, and, on some level, the time you spend together might be used to avoid facing up to difficult questions facing both of you.

    • What kind of questions? Like...What are we doing, where are we going types? I've already called him out on those. When I do, that's when he dissappears for a bit. It's funny you said he feels like he doesn't deserve me. He's actually said that to me. How do I get him to see how deserving he really is? He is perfect for me. On all levels. I don't do I? I'm gonna have to put an end to all this aren't I? Ugh! Why can't he just talk to me like you are? It would settle a lot of things.

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