Is it normal for my mother to never bring up my fiance or ask how he is doing She pretends like he doesn't exist?

I still live with my parents and there is plenty of opportunity for them to do so. I introduced my fiance to my parents a year ago. Since then my fiance has come over about 8 times and his parents met my parents in January. The last time he came over was in February and my parents have not said one word about him since. It's like he doesn't even exist.

Long story short they are not happy because he is a different ethnicity as them although we are both Caucasian. Like no one would even know we are different ethnically by our looks. My mom has made her comments though... like last week was my sister in law's grad party and we were looking for men for my younger cousin. And then my mom got upset and said in a bitchy voice "I wonder why we never did this for <my name> when she was younger so she could have found someone. And I said "I already have someone thank you".

My parents still have not mentioned my fiance to my extended family such as my aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Only my immediate family knows (although I did go behind my parents back and told my moms family (who are open minded and my grandma is white so she is very approving) but I'm customarily supposed to wait for my parents to tell them. I wanted my fiance to meet my extended family during the holidays but my parents declined. They said they want to meet his parents first. There has been no action taken since and there have been countless family get togethers. What hurts is when my brother was engaged his fiance was invited to everything.

I don't bring my fiance up because it usually starts an argument. I just wasn't sure if this is normal... or if I'm always supposed to be the one bringing it up. I though this was supposed to be a happy time because I found someone I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. Instead this is the most stressed I've ever been and keep going back and forth about breaking the relationship off because I can't handle the stress.


Most Helpful Guy

  • If you want to make your point without being pushy or facing an arguemen skip a couple of family gathering , but don't advertise that you won't be there. When they finally ask you what's up and they will just politely say that being he wasn't invited you decided to spend the time with him. It may or may not become an argument even then , but they will know it's an issue that won't be going away by ignoring it

    • That may work but wouldn't that be considered passive aggressive? my father told me that I'm not allowed to see him unless he comes over the house. In dating is not allowed

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    • The thing I don't understand is my mom isn't even full arab. She is half white just like fiance is half white. Ethnically speaking I'm not all that different from my fiance. I see the similarities not the differences.

    • In all honesty then this doesn't do anything but look like hipocracy at its finest

Most Helpful Girl

  • Aww, Im sorry you have to go through this... It is not very nice you have to experience this, but unfortunately this is the dark side of very 'family oriented' cultures and families who ahve a say in your life and what you do, etc.
    I know it is customs, but clearly your parents do not approve of your relationship so you are going to have to take the bull by the horns and unfortunately, defy them... But be prepared it may cause war.

    How are his parents/family approving of you? If they are open and welcoming to you, you should try to make your fiancee feel welcomed and loved into your family as well... AND if it is unfortunately not by your parents - then IT MUST BE by you... INtroduce him to your extended family... Your parents haven't done it, well okay.. too bad.. Ask the about it and WHEN theyy are going to do it, if they dont give you a straight answer, FEEL FREE to introduce him YOURSELF. He is VERY SOON going to start being a direct/intimate memmber of the family - WHTEHR Your parents like it/approve it or not, so he might as well start being comfortable and being in on the family drama...

    When you marry one person, you marry their family as well... So time to show him who your family really is - the good and the dark side. Good luck and defend your fiancee more. He is your sooon going to be husband!! AND YOU NEED TO BACK HIM UP - JUST AS HE needs to back you up to his family if thye were not aproving of you. That's life unfortunately sometimes in SOME cultures/families.

    Dont let it get to you though, take it as a tough lesson and bring him in.. He deserves to be just as involved. Whatever you start doing/bring him along.. Family dinners, events, etc.. Don't ask for permission... just DO. He will appreciate it and it'll bring a bond between him and the family as they get to know him ;) Good luck!

    • Thanks so much for your reply. Thankfully his familu is very supportive. I just talked to them today and they said they will help me out in whatever way possible. Yeah... I do need to stand up for my fiance. When I do my mom gets very upset.

    • Yeah, well too bad. She cannoottt control you your entire life and dyou are almost 30, soon to be married so about time you stand up for yourself and be ready to throw in some punches. (not literally) but dont be afraid to stir the water if it is for something you really believe needs to be done. Over time (HOEPFULLY) they will understtand and grow to respect it at one point.

      But only if/when you show them that you won't tolerate disrespect and that tehy NEED to respect your fiance/ that's life/

      TOugh luck, deal iwtht it parents :)

    • Thank you

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • I dont get it. You are both white. What ethnicities are you from? Now dont get me wrong im not being shallow. I just wantef to know since i usually never heard of white people having such issues.
    Anyway. I would say, choose who you want more, your man, or your family.
    Tbh this is unfair for your man rhough. But i wouldn't blame you if you choose family

    • I didn't say we were both white (from what I have heard "white" is a term used to describe European people) we are both caucasian racially. I am mostly Lebanese, also Slovak and French. He is half Latvian Jewish and half English. There used to be more tension ethnically. For example I knew of a Polish women marrying an Italian man in the 1940s. That was taboo back then. A lot of ethnicities didn't intermarry in the early 1900s.

    • Hmm okay. I wasn't so sure on the how much of caucasians were termed white.
      Yeah thats understandable..
      Still.. Your familybeing like that isn't cool

  • I understand it can be really tough when your family doesn't approve of your fiance. all I can say is that racially biased people will always hate whom they perceive as of belonging to an 'enemy' race and they dont even need a reason for that. My advice would be to have a conversation with your mom and make it very clear to her that you love him and even if she doesn't like him or his ethnicity, she has to RESPECT him in public.

  • Your parents have to respect your choices in life

    • Yeah but the problem is they don't. My mom doesn't think I am capable of making smart choices esp after I dropped out of med school. I was very depressed and had panic attacks in high school to med school. she knew this but I was never treated. So I had to get help in med school and ended up on different medications (med school was not the right time to figure out what med worked best for me). She thinks the medicine messed my brain up. I'm no longer on them anyways.

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    • My mother is bery religious and she thinks it is best for me to marry someone of my own kind, who is Lebanese. She thinks my fiance is with my because of how I look (which I don't believe is the case). This is the big issue: my fiance's mom is jewish. She is not religious but that is her ethnicity. My fiance doesn't even consider himself jewish but to my mother he always will be. Arabs and jews don't have a great track record of getting along. My parents are worried I will convert to judaism. Which is bull b/c my fiance and I are both atheist (we pretend to be muslim so my family doesn'd disown me).

    • This is the problem religion causes and I am glad I am free of all that it just seems a silly reason for your mom to not respect your wishes

What Girls Said 1

  • Unless he is abusive or in some other way not good to you, your parents really should be happy that you are happy. At 28, maybe you should consider moving out on your own and begin to live your life with this guy more as an engaged couple And less as your parents little girl.

    • He is in no way abusive. The only reasons my mom and dad don't like him is because he isn't Lebanese and he is 3 years younger than me. Sadly I'm actually turning 32 in a week (I entered my age wrong on here & nvr bothered to change it... i should prob get on that). my mom was 19 when she married my dad and 21 when she had me. It irritates me that at my age she treats me like I'm a 10 yr old that can't take care of herself (which I obviously can b/c I have a job and am in my last semester of grad school).

    • At some point your family moved from Lebsnon to the United States, probably for a better life. The U. S. Is s great melting pot of all nationalities. Your parents need to inderstand that. At age 32 it's even more necessary for you to move out on your own or with him. Good luck.

    • Yeah my moms club in Eastside came from Lebanon over 100 years ago. Her mother is european. My mother is a perfect example of a melting pot of ethnicities. The problem with her is she loves Lebanese culture and disregards her European side. We live in a very highly populated Arab city the highest in the United States so she sees absolutely no reason for me to go outside of Arab culture. Arabs at least muslims do not tend to marry outside