I need opinions.. Please help?

Am i on the wrong or what?

Ok so I have been married for 1 yr. And lately its been nothing but arguments about how i never wanna do anything he asks me for. I feel he doesn't understand me. I work 9 hrs. A day 5 days a week. i start at 7am and get off @ 4pm i am a senior caregiver for a 96 yr old lady. I get up at 5:50am to leave my house by 6:30am my husband on the other hand is a sales man he works from home & only goes out when there's a delivery for him to do. He wakes up @ whatever time he wants which is usually between 11am and 1pm he doesn't do anything around the house. So now he asked me to make him some quesadillas in the morning before I go to work & i told him sometimes u don't even have breakfast because im in such a hurry so he tells me well wake up earlier so I said no because i try to go to sleep at around 10pm and always end up sleeping @ almost 12am because he won't let me sleep. So i told him instead u should make me breakfast before i go to work since u can go back to bed when i leave but he said fine next time one of the cars brakes down imma ask u to fix it. & so he got mad because i said i wouldn't make him the quesadillas.. & i don't think he understands i work 9 hours daily my job is stressful already having to care for an older person that if she wets herself im responsible to help her change in responsible for cleaning her house doing laudry running errands for her taking her to any appts she might have making breakfast & lunch and getting her to take her meds. By the time in out i just wanna sit for a bit but then i get home and the house is a mess and my husband is in a terrible mood cus he hasn't had anything to eat all day. But why hasn't he because he's too lazy to get up open the fridge and make himself a sandwhich or a quesadilla or anything so i have to deal with his mood. Im23 years old & i feel as if I was 40 my back & feet hurt im always too tired for anything. So am i wrong by not wanting to do certain things for him?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Wow I wonder how is your sex life? It must be horrible... And why isn't he working? Is he the same person who asked a question here about playing hangers ask day while your wife works?
    Are you his wife?

    Whatever it is I don't think the way things are right now your marriage will last...

    • No ok not that wife.. At least not that in aware of.

    • Okk then

Most Helpful Girl

  • Both of you are and aren't in the wrong.

    You are not in the wrong for expecting acts of selflessness from your own husband. There's nothing wrong with hoping and wanting for your husband to do something nice for you knowing how hard you work and how demanding your schedule is. However, you are slightly in the wrong for wanting to not meet your wifely duties. To sum it up, there a wifely and husbandly duties that both parties need to fulfill in order to have a healthy, happy marriage. Acts of selflessness and taking care of one another is the core of those duties. Being willing to serve one another mutually is a key to having a balanced marriage. This meaning, you should be willing to cook him a meal even if you're exhausted every now and then and he should be willing to do the same. There are certain things we must do in order to make sure relationships with loved ones function a certain way... we have daughterly duties, sisterly duties, and duties as friends. When we neglect these duties, the bond becomes susceptible to damage.

    So refusing to do certain things for your husband is like removing bricks from the layer of foundation in your marriage. Of course you should have a backbone and know when to say no and be able to assertively tell him that you don't have the energy or time to do things sometimes, but to be completely unwilling to do them ever is going to cause problems. You two need to sit down and have an honest, non-combative discussion about what's going on in each other's lives. You need to express to him how you feel and really put into perspective your level of stress. Tell him that you want to do nice things for him but it's honestly hard to find the energy with your demanding daily schedule and share that you need him to step it up and do selfless things for you at times like waking up early to make you breakfast. Follow up with the plan on a weekly basis so that you guys don't backslide into mutually selfish behavior.

    • Yes and i do i get home and cook and clean i do all the laundry i go grocery shopping i pay the bills and other "wifely duties" i also go to school which u took this semester off because u can't do it in so tired but guess what he's doing? Sitting on the couch waiting for costumers to call. So i can't expect help from him. So in his pov im always wrong.

    • See now that's a problem. That's the point where he's failing to meet his husbandly duties. Being a wife doesn't mean you are a servant. Yes, there's an element of serving which is actually a beautiful thing. We serve and perform duties and services for our children when they cannot do them for themselves... for our elders when they no longer have the muscle reflex or ability to do so... and we should be able to for our husbands as a means of selflessness but when a husband is not appreciating and reciprocating that selfless service, then a discussion needs to happen IMMEDIATELY.

      You need to start expressing your feelings to him and not us. He is the one who needs to hear what's going on with you emotionally because he's the only one who's actions can actually change the marital outcome. You are not always wrong and he's being dramatic if he truly thinks that. You guys need to sit down and have an open and honest talk.

    • Ooh and trust me i have told him how i feel but he says in the one who's dramatic that at least he's not like other husbands who go out with his friends to bars and talks to other women and hits me etc. But it just never works it doesn't matter to him. I have been asking him for the past 3 weeks to give me a back massage at night cus my back has been killing me for weeks now but he won't he just tells me to take a painkiller and that's it.. So i really don't think its fair for him to expect even more from me if u can't get anything from him.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • Just skimmed it.
    Lazy husband who works from home
    Asks you to cook something before you leave when he doesn't get up till 11 and you leave at 5ish
    Nope not wrong at all. If he wants something and home most of the day he should make it.

    • Exactly that's what i tell him but he says that that's why im the wife.. And i tell him ok if a wife is only supposed to cook and clean and do everything her husband wants from her then you get up at 5:50am and go to work and i'll stay home just like you do it. And he doesn't understand he just gets mad and tells me in wrong.

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    • Well like i tell him we can do that and i'll stay home and he can go to work but he doesn't like that idea either.

    • Lol well give him those options. I can be your maid and stay at home wife or I can continue what I'm doing and you'll do your own damn cooking haha

What Girls Said 4

  • What a bum. That would piss me off. That's like the most inconsiderate thing I ever heard. Hopefully he wasn't always like that, and won't continue to be like that. It's crappy he doesn't realize or see it from your side, I would try to talk to him and explain how if he wants your relationship to thrive he at least needs to consider your needs, and not just think of his own. If he really cannot compromise, or cannot cook at all, I would invest in some frozen food for him to microwave. Leave it on the counter in the morning so its defrosted for him or something. Man child.

  • I need to be in the office around 8am but I get up at 4:30 every morning and make my husband's breakfast and pack his lunch before he leaves at 5:15am for his FT job of over 30 years as a garbage man.. Ya know why i do those things for him... because he busts his behind for me too. That man can't cook but I'll tell you in all the years I'm married he takes out the garbage, sweeps the floor when he gets home from work and goes food shopping with me weekly so I don't have to carry the bags by myself... and those are just some of the things that he does. He's not perfect but he's my king and I'm his queen... we make it work.

    I guess what I am saying honey is that marriage takes team work... and YOU can't be in the team by yourself. Sit him down and talk to him... seriously talk to him. I hope the guys don't get their backs up but you have to train them early on or he'll be doing this to you when he's 50.

    • Yes i get your point but you see your husband gets up early too and goes to work and mine stays in bed so no i shouldn't be making him breakfast when he's still going to sleep all day.. He never even bothers to put his own dirty dishes in the sink i have to basically play scavangerhunt to find all the dishes around the house he doesn't take the trash out i don't remember once that he might have swept.. I tell him i don't expect for the house to be spotless but for him to help out a little bit but he just gets mad.

    • I didn't mean for you to make his breakfast and be Mrs. Brady... I mean if he DOESN'T do for you than DON'T do it for him. Stay someplace else for a week and let him fend for his lazy ass by himself. You can't be in a marriage by yourself hun.

  • he might feel like you're not giving him enough of your time :(

    • Yes i get it but when i don't work and money is tight he also gets mad that the bills don't get paid since i pay half the rent and all the bills.

  • No he should be massaging your feet running a hot bath for you. You do a lots for that's a shame he doesn't appreciation you.

    • Yea and im not even asking him for that i just want to get home and be able to sit and rest for a while. I do feel he doesn't appreciate what i do and he gets mad when u try to talk to him about it and he tells me in wrong.

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    • Sometime u can't change people. Does he work?

    • He's a salesman but from home. And yea sadly.

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