Would you choose your wife or your family?

I know its a risky question for a man and uncomfortable.
But what if your wife feels you are choosing them over her?
I never want him to "choose", but I am noticing more and more that he is..
he pays some of their rent- while we barely get by. His siblings say mean things to me and he doesn't hush them up. His family says downright awful things about my family for really no reasoning.. and he sides with them.

is it just me or is it looking like I am not priority? He definitely my number one priority. I have stopped helping my own family with money so him and I can be good. When my brother says anything about him or his family, I give him a good ass kicking.

we were amazing before marriage. And I really feel like he is picking them over me. Instead of finding a middle ground, he seems to have chosen.

Another small example- we didn't go on a honeymoon because his parents said they need him. We didn't move away like we originally planned because his parents said they need him. He is the only son, I understand that. But shouldn't he stand up to them sometimes?
I feel he needs to stand up for US.

the other day it was POURING and he said he would pick me up from work. He texts me 10mins before im off saying sorry he cannot because his parents need him. Little things like this.
if it were me, id be like "sorry mom and dad, its raining hard outside and I want my wife safe"..
is this too much to ask for? Am I really asking for too much?
I dont know how to approach him with this.

He is an amazing man besides all this. My childhood sweetheart and I love him more than anything.

Dont I have the right to communicate this to him?

I want to avoid looking like the naggy, annoying wife..


Most Helpful Guy

  • When I got married my parents, and in laws tried to decide for is and give us advice some was good , some was bad. I stood up and told my parents to stay out or else they would have problems with me. So they did. My father in law came up to me forcing me to marry my wife, I wanted to, but wasn't to sure she would be ok with my lifestyle (No career or stable job). He. Caught me in a bad time and I kind of got mad and did what I felt was right and didn't marry her., but we were already married by court downtown. 12yrs later he looks up to me a lot people tell him I done a lot for his daughter and them, I let her go to school and helped her through financially. Finally I regret not listening to my wife about marriage and now she doesn't care and I want to get married, she lost interest but still loves me she says


Most Helpful Girl

  • When you marry someone, (with or without children) THEY are now your family...

    If you saw he was like this, why would you marry someone expecting them to change? That should be addressed before marriage, if you cannot compromise, or reach a common ground, then marriage should never take place... so if you never really said anything before, and now after marriage you have a problem with it, it's basically your fault because you never told him this, therefore assuming it's not a problem... so complaining about it to him now could make anyone confused as to why would you expect a change when you married Gia person knowing how he is...

    Anyway!!! If there are no children, it's easier to move on if in case it doesn't work out for you... but even though you should've addressed this marriage, I think you should just straight out say it.. everything!! And see what happens from there...

    • Before*

    • I had addressed this before marriage. And he was good for awhile- it wasn't evident no more.

      I think he will just always choose them over me. And I feel foolish for always bringing it up to him, as if im saying "choose me choose me!" .

      We already talked about this. He just won't understand that WE are a family now.

    • There was no indication he was like this all those years of dating. Because there never was reason to be. Rent? We lived separately so he could freely help his parents out. Anything else was done separately so I never had much of a chance to see tbis. Now that we live together and have everything together, there's more opportunities for me to see this side of him if that makes sense. there's more opportunities for him to "choose" if that makes sense

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 5

  • Do not get pregnant!!!
    The way this is going, he will be a terrible ass in no time!
    I recommend (VERY STRONGLY) that the two of you go to couples counseling! If he will not go with you, you may choose counseling without him, but if he will not go it suggests to me that he feels he is right and your opinion on this means nothing. He needs to change! If not, it should be "sayonara"

    • Its funny because he's actually a great guy altogether. I think he's just stuck in between and doesn't know who to choose. I wonder if all men get stuck like this after marriage. I also wonder how easy or not easy it is for them to choose.

  • You married him hoping he would change. . . and he didn't. . . and he won't.

    • I agree with this totally. Once she said "we didn't go on a honeymoon because his parents needed him" that was it for me.

  • I would not chose the same family. (I had no say in that)
    I would chose the same wife. It was her and my choice.

  • I don't like my family so...
    I hope to meet a good wife one day

  • Wifey


What Girls Said 5

  • I dunno, I'd be pretty upset. Especially about the whole talking down to you about your family and all of that.
    I get he wants to be a good son, but he should also be a good husband. What happens if you two raise a family and you need him to pick up the kid? Will the in laws take him before he could get the kid?
    If it really bothers you then you should tell him about it.

  • He should always choose you over anyone else. You are his wife... his first priority

    • Thats what you'd think ehh..
      How do I get this across to him? All those years of dating and I was always put first. Now as life is hitting us and we are married and there's more times where he's got to "choose", I know where I stand in his life.. I brought up maybe him asking his parents if he could give them just a bit less so WE could get by a little better.. and he flipped out saying thats his family etc

    • Show All
    • Is it selfish of me to ask to be first?

    • No talk to him. But let him know you won't tolerate this.

  • your family would never leave you. if they really loev you.

  • I read this book, it called the meaning of marriage by Timothy keller, and in the book, one day when the Author came home, his wife was sitting on the balcony with a hammer and plates from their wedding ( the cups to the saucers were already broken so the plates were extra saucers). He goes on to describe how when he walked into the kitchen she started to smash the plate which immediately caught his attention so when he asked her what's wrong she told him bluntly , he was not listening to her. They began to work on what was going on. And found solutions that would fit both of them. Maybe you need a creative way to get him to sit down and listen to you and see how his choices are effecting his newly created family. But the big key to this is WORK. y'all are going to have to WORK TOGETHER and NOT BLAME each other for the problem but HELP to find a solutions.

  • Children together?
    Live with it or move on.

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