Maybe he's just not that into me?

I met this guy about 10 years ago. We were both newlyweds,but were very attracted to each other. Fast forward to present day. I am in my 12th year of marriage,he in his 14th..We both married young (I am 29 he is 36)...I had separated from my hubby for about 5 months,got back together,then started texting this guy,so decided to actually go ahead w divorce due to the fact that I was always sidetracked by someone or something else. (I say that because I KNOW it will end up sounding like I am leaving my husband for this guy which is 99% NOT the case) Anyways. This guy, He found out through one of his coworkers that I would really like to have the chance to get to talk to him,and I didn't think I'd ever get the chance cause he is married,hes pretty high profile (he is a cop)..just don't think it'd happen. But he texted me...I thought for sure it'd just be a 'hit it and quit it' situation,but it turned into so much more. We never had sex. We met up on 5 occasions in 3 months,sexual only twice,no intercourse because he wanted our first time to be 'special' (we always met up in parks). I started feeling for him,and he said he was falling for me..went as far as giving me songs to look up w very meaningful and obvious love lyrics,but wouldn't come out and say that's what he was trying to say. We would joke about the future,but I NEVER not once expected him to leave her. I always wanted to be his side thing,sad but true ( I know it sounds sad). I mean,of course I'd love to be with him,but I am still married myself. I am just saying,I know this isn't a fairytale I AM being realistic. Anyways. I told him that my husband and I were definitely getting a dissolution,he gave me advice and talked to me about it,but slowly he has been backing away. I asked him what happened,if I should lose his # and he said 'that's not the case at all'. Then we have chatted here and there like normal..but I miss what was happening. Now,I think I figured out that I think he is giving me space to go forward with my dissolution with a clear head. I sent him a text saying I think I know why your not talking to me and he said why do you think and I said what I thought,also adding in that I think its cause he was falling for me and he got scared,and that I want him to be brave and be happy,not even with me,but with ANYBODY. And he never responded. That was 2 days ago. I need an opinion on what happened. He said he is very hard to break down to say what he feels,I think it is due to his profession..he also is very depressed because he is laid off..she makes him feel worthless instead of trying to lift him up in this hard time. He HAS told me his feelings though..just two weeks ago he finally admitted he misses me,that he thinks about me constantly,then the songs came..I just don't get what happened?!?!

So.My questions: Did he mean what he was saying? Do you think he got scared of it? Why would a guy give a girl such deep songs? And is his not texting back saying that I am right or he is annoyed?


Most Helpful Guy

  • I think he feels guilty that you might be having divroce becouse you are falling for him while he know that he has no such intention to leave his wife.

    I don't think he backaway becouse he wanted to give you space. I think he backed away thinking that once you are single, you might pressure him to get a divorce and if he didnt, you may get hurt or try to make a scene.

    Remember, he is a cop and he has a reputation on stake.

    I think you have to clear your mind for the time being. Just forget about him and concentrate on your divorce. I don't know what Trihill means when he said this is bad for your devorce. But I think if your husband will be able to prove that you were having an affair with somone while you were married to him, you may loose lot of your rights dpeending on which country/state you are living.

    • He finally answered me...said he was falling and he wasn't ready to leave her yet. I have never asked him to...STILL don't want him to..I need this time for ME. Yeah. I have deep feelings for him..but I want us both to find ourselves first. I told him all this..asked him if everything he once said was true (that he was falling) and he said 'he never lied,thus why we should end it now'. Said he still wanted to be friends,I told him I'd respect that. Two days later. He is @ my door. Got sexual.

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What Guys Said 1

  • this is bad for your divorce and the question you need to ask is what is he doing about his marriage?

    • I don't know what he's doin about it. He won't talk to me. :( and why is it bad for my divorce?

What Girls Said 1

  • Perhaps it isn't actually important what he was saying, or if he got scared, or why he sent deep songs or why he is not texting... OK, now that you've gotten past the initial "WHAT?" response to that in your head, I will tell you why it doesn't matter and why you shouldn't even be trying to figure him out...

    The bottom line is that he is not available and you should move on. No, I don't mean that he isn't available because he is married. Lots of men that are married make themselves available to other women on many levels of relationship possibilities. But there are other men who are not emotionally mature enough to be available to any woman on any level.

    Based solely on what you've said: this particular cop is not emotionally available... not to you and not to his wife either. The immature sort of playing games, hiding, never being able to commit to an honest conversation about what is going on shows that he will not be able to give back in any relationship. I doubt he would even be able to be friends with you in a way that would foster mutual growth as individuals.

    It would be easy to dismiss my voice here and get mad at me... and that is OK too. However, it is possible he will move in close to you and then back totally away again many times in the future but you will never leave the exact spot you are in right now. Zero growth as a person or as a couple is what you are looking at. Maybe you could explore why it is that you are attracted right now to a man who is so completely unavailable... because you really are setting yourself up for a one-sided non-relationship of giving and giving and giving and you can be certain that you will never be able to understand who he is or what he is thinking or why he does what he does because he doesn't know the answer to any of those questions himself (and he doesn't WANT to know any of those answers). I don't recommend you choosing such a warped connection with a man if you can break away from it.

    Then again... I am not a guy

    • I am not mad at all...Prolly cause here I am...a month down this road and I see that you are right...I still want him tho I know everything you are saying is very true..its just the conquer you know? I don't know if I love him or the idea of him...but as I type that..I do know. Its the idea of him. It wouldn't work between us. I keep thinkin that he is emotionally unavailable cause he is still with her. I wanna see what he is like without her. But your right. He'd be the same. thx for your insight!!