Married to a wonderful man, who's a great father, and I want a divorce!

Am I being selfish.probably! and I hate that about myself. I am really a good person. I got pregnant when I was 25 by a man who left me when I was pregnant and ended up going to prison for 18 years right after I had the baby. when I was 6 months pregnant I started dating a wonderful guy who loved me pregnant and all. he was there through the pregnancy, as was his family, and we ended up getting married a little over a year later and he adopted my son. things weren't perfect by any means, we fought, he had trouble keeping jobs, and we didn't have a thing in common! we are two totally different people. he's a good guy though and I was very close to my in laws. well in a second year of marriage, we got behind in bills and ended up moving in with this parents, which was suppose to be short term.well, 4 years later, we are still there. However, I did help him get a really good government job a couple of years ago, and he's doing really well at it, and has a great career ahead of him. he makes 5 times much money as I do, and he's such a tight wad. he's gotten a little better about giving me money and not holding it over my head. we can afford to moved out, but just haven't, because he doesn't want to spend the money and he's a momma's boy and is ok with that. we don't agree with the same discipline, he treats our son like he's 20 and he's 6! He gets along with all my friends, and he's fun to be around, but I feel like we are best friends in stead of husband and wife. I love him more than life, and I know that we would have a good life together if we got moved out of his parents house, but I think it's just gone on so long, that I've lost that love for him. not to mention, he was not happy after a few years of marriage adn tried to sleep with my best friend for like 2 months and her boyfriend finally told me, because she told him. she was scared and didn't want to hurt me. she is still my best friend, and I just lost a lot of respect for him after he did that, and no matter how good he is now, I just can't feel the same way for him. it's like too much water under the bridge. we've been through marriage counseling, church counseling, and though it has helped, I just don't feel the same way about him. however, I hate to uproot my child and leave when things are good and he promises to move us out after Christmas. I told him I'd give it a chance and see how it goes but, I just don't know if I'll be able to do it. I don't think it's fair to him or me to stay somewhere I don't want to be. Anyone have any advice? help!


Most Helpful Guy

  • Wow, what a story.

    First, I think you need more counseling. You need solo counseling, your husband needs solo counseling, and you need couples counseling. There are power struggles, jealously, trust problems, a lot of messes that need cleaning. You might have to try a few therapists until you get a good match, but a great counselor can make a world of difference.

    Second, I think you're right to feel conflicted, and you're good to think about uprooting your child. Divorce is terrible for kids, and I think when kids are involved divorce should be the very last option in the worst cases.

    Third, you write "I just don't feel the same way about him." Feelings change every minute of every day. Feelings are NOT the basis of a marriage (at least not in most wedding vows!) Taking decisions based on your feelings is a recipe for disaster (I've done it many times). Recognize that your feelings don't have any effect on reality. Your feelings exist only in your mind.

    Fourth, start thinking about the things YOU can do to improve the marriage. You can't change him. You can only change yourself. Positive re-enforcement is amazing: try ignoring the things about him that bug you, and praising the things about him that you like. Gradually, he'll do fewer of the annoying things and more of the other things. Positive re-enforcement doesn't work overnight, but it ALWAYS works.

    I hope all this doesn't seem like a lecture, but these are a few lessons that have helped me.

    Good luck!


Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • There's a lot here that's hard to work out (money issues, child care issues, trust issues), but nothing that's impossible to work out. This marriage is hard and complicated, but it doesn't seem broken.

    Then again, I'm just a stranger from far away. I have my dealbreakers, you have yours. Ending a marriage is difficult and painful, for you and your child. You have to think, real hard, about when it's all over, many years from know, whether you'll feel better or worse than you do now. If not, try nursing this wounded marriage back to health.

    P.S.: How does he respond when you tell him how miserable you feel?

  • You're a typical female and one of the main reasons why I'll never get married.


What Girls Said 2

  • Quite a sticky situation. I don't believe in staying married because it's convenient. I think that since you have tried and tried that it may be time to move out and move on. Now, he will still be able to see your son. But eventually, staying with him would cause more and more pain. Resentments can build, feelings will be hurt and it will show.

    What do you mean he treats your son like he's 20?

    If it were me I would wait until after Christmas to see if he stands by what he says. If he doesn't then I would start planning on the moving out. Like you said, maybe things will get better once you move out. You won't know until you wait and give it a try.

  • Christmas is only 2 months away. and you've already waited for 4 years for him to move out and now he's going to do just that. Now is not the time to divource. stay just a little bit longer and PLEASE do not say that you are a really good person, because no one is truly good.

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