Men must be outgoing to impress women, why is this advice wrong?

"Most guys immediately destroy any chance they have of coming across as Mr. Right by broadcasting signals of weak self-esteem, helplessness, nervousness, insecurity and immaturity. They’re too quiet. They avoid eye contact. They get tongue-tied. They’re not funny or engaging. All of which scream to a woman: “Hi, I have zero confidence in myself, which means I’ve failed to meet my own emotional needs, which means I can’t possibly meet yours, either. So, for your own good, please reject me ASAP."

This advice implies that naturally quiet or introverted men must be outgoing or try to impress women in order to have confidence. These behaviors are related to personality and have nothing to do with how confident one is in their own abilities or in who they are.

It's a far cry between being nervous and being quiet.
My issue is with the line "they're too quiet" and "They're not engaging or funny". Being "engaging" or "funny" are learned social techniques and have nothing to do with one's belief in themselves. Social skills are not self confidence, and they have nothing to do with each other
Real confidence doesn't come from telling jokes or trying to attract attention to oneself or win approval from the opposite gender, it comes from knowing who you are and what you want in life and going for it.
Only the weak minded judge someone by their words, it's more telling to look at how someone acts over time and to watch how closely their words match their actions.


Most Helpful Guy

  • The advice is great.

    Being introverted and being shy are different. An introverted man enjoys small groups or his own company. Being quiet is also different.

    Shyness is a lack of confidence in social situations, and it is NOT a fundamental part of who you are. It is something you can overcome to the point that you can be comfortable speaking or not speaking as much as you desire.

    You are correct that a lack of confidence in social situations does not necessarily correlate to a lack of confidence in, lets say, your career or academics.

    But women do want a guy who is confident in talking to them, and confident in being sexual.

    As you say 'real confidence comes from knowing who you are, and what you want in life and going for it'. So go for it.

    • Right, and some men simply don't want to pursue women. Instead they pursue their own careers or interests and let women make their own approach or judgment calls. The weak bidders are the over bidders, it's the same as any auction.

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What Girls Said 3

  • I don't know about "MOST GUYS" but a lot of guys do that. You don't have to be an extreme extrovert life of the party, but if you want a particular women to notice you, yeah you're probably going to have to talk to her and engage her, build a rapport with her. If a guy is scared to make eye contact, keeps his head down and barely talks to a woman he likes, it's not a stretch to assume there are some confidence issues there. Don't men WANT to talk to women they like and have relationships with them? So if you are preventing yourself from moving forward with women, then isn't that an internal issue?

  • If you don't have social skills, how are you going to attract women you don't know? They don't know what you want in life and how well you go for it UNTIL THEY KNOW YOU. A guy who is quiet and doesn't speak to women usually comes off standoffish or disinterested. You could be the greatest guy in the world but how will women see that unless they get to know you? If you don't engage a woman you're interested in you won't make it to that level to show you their qualities.

    • The reality is that there aren't enough men with 'social skills' and 'confidence' to go around.

      Another reality is that both confidence and social skills come from success with women, we've all got to start somewhere. Telling someone to just 'be confident' is about as useful as telling a clinically depressed person to 'cheer up'. It's very shallow thinking.

  • The advice given in right. I completely agree with whoever said that. That's how I feel around shy, introverts.


What Guys Said 1