Am I really NOT marriage material?

My ex-fiance recently has called me out for being a) inconsistent

(what he calls my voicing concerns about "us" aloud; in his mind, I was flaking every other day, when I was just processing everything aloud)

and b) untrustworthy/blabbing (what he calls my using a couple friends on FB as sounding boards, as I talked through our relationship)

I explained myself to him this way, via email:

> I think I was committed to August, while still working everything out in my

> mind. Does that make sense? Like, in my mind I was committed, but I was maybe

> having the bride-jitters, and having these little questions and stuff, so I was

> working through it all, while still planning on marriage, but from your side,

> you must have not realized how determined I was to get married in August, and so

> just saw/heard the jitters. I'm not going to lie. I'm new to love, commitment,

> being a unit with one person, and shutting the rest of the world out, I'm new to

> going it alone with a man, and not needing validation from other voices. In

> some ways, I'm very much a girl, trying to learn how to be a woman. So yes, I'm

> sure I did a poor job of handling many things. Thanks for your grace.

His answer?


Do you guys think he's right? If he is, I can try to change, but what if he just doesn't appreciate me for what I am?

He went on to say that I should stick to myself until I am marriage material. . .


Most Helpful Guy

  • I think you both sound unready for marriage. You shouldn't be that nervous. The more nervous you are about getting married, the more unready you are for that commitment. I think his comment, while very rude, was because he was nervous about getting married. Every time you voiced your concerns, they would pile up on top of his own concerns. The whole "you are unworthy" nonsense he was spewing, is just an excuse for him to run away from getting married.

    • We were getting married and she flaked, gave me a spiel about not being good enough for her, left the state, left me BROKE, and then she turns around a few days later absolute certain she wants to marry me.. AGAIN. So, in retrospect, there was no nonsense being spewed; rather, a realization that one of us is more mature than the other, and one more ready for marriage than the other (hint: the one not seeking advice from strangers on the internet because she is clueless)

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 4

  • I don't know you so I don't know if his criticisms are accurate, but if those things are true then yes those are deal breaker problems. Plus, I can't stand a girl who uses her idiot friends for advice on what to do in a relationship seriously (more than just venting) when we both know she is selective about the info they get. The reliable thing is most important to me.

    • "idiot friends for advice .. selective about the info they get" this also pertains to random websites, apparently

  • "I'm new to love, commitment,

    > being a unit with one person, and shutting the rest of the world out, I'm new to

    > going it alone with a man, and not needing validation from other voices. "

    That right there tells me you definitely aren't ready for marriage. There shouldn't be any doubt as to whether you want to follow through with it. The way he put things wasn't the kindest way, but he is right about focusing on yourself before you are ready for marriage.

    • This also the same girl who, after flaking and running off, begs me to drive hundreds of miles to come pick her up and bring her back to my home state (because, as always, she changed her mind again about wanting to marry me), yet is concerned and asks if her dad can have her arrested for crossing state lines (this "woman" is 23). Funny how anonymous questions on silly websites never give a complete picture...

  • Yea, you do seem a little neurotic and all over the place. I can't blame him for not wanting to commit- after all, who wants to tie the knot with someone who is so emotionally all over the place and un-grounded.

    that spells trouble down the road. my guess is he just blew up after you made him put up with so much of this.

  • I'm sure there's a lot to this and I don't think it's fair to comment on you personally. However I think anyone under 25 is for sure not marriage material. Yet.

    • We're both 23. It's strange. I have all the head knowledge for how to be a good least I thought so. I've read lots of marriage books, observed great marriages. I'm fully prepared to be a faithful wife to one man, for life. To raise a family, to make a home for my (future) husband. But apparently, I have all these flaws that I emailed him about. I guess I now know what areas I need to be working on, only I don't really know how to work on these areas. takes practice.

    • You work on them by having relationships and just trying it over and over. You get a little better and more sophisticated each time.

What Girls Said 2

  • His comment to you is full of foolishness for calling you an idiot.

    On the other hand, guys don't do well with a girl "losing it emotionally" and going on and on about your insecurities. Save that for your females off of Facebook! And choose friends who can listen to you and not report to everyone else how you are feeling.

    Seek your validation from your female friends. That's too much emotional pressure on a guy.

    You may be marriage material right now, but you need to get control of how you are expressing your emotions in front of him.

    Go to him and tell him, that he is right, that you are not marriage material, and emphasize, "Yet".

    Then work on yourself and let him watch the changes in you, don't tell him how you have changed, let him see it for himself, if you truly are changing.

    • Thank you for a wise answer!

  • Wow! I would say not only are you not ready to settle down, but he is certainly not marriage material. I would not marry a man who spoke to me like that, at all, what so ever.

    It seems clear that neither of you are ready to commit to each other or have a clue as to what marriage is about or you would have spoken to each other about these things face-to-face, not on the internet, email, and not on face book with your friends. When you are contemplating marriage, you make sure you are ready BEFORE you set the date. Sure you get jitters, like the night before your wedding. But you don't have them continuously. If you do, then you know it's not to be. You two have a great deal of growing up to do, and that's OK. You need to learn to communicate with each other, or whoever you are with. And he needs to learn to speak more kindly to the woman he's with. Telling you that you aren't "marriage material" was harsh & truly thoughtless. He needs to turn that finger that he's pointing around.

    • When you move across the country for someone, treat them like a princess, only for them to tell you that you don't measure up to her past crushes and she doesn't respect you, then leaves the state, then e-mails you immediately thereafter telling you that she wants to be with you still, I think "ANY IDIOT WOULD KNOW IMMEDIATELY THAT YOU AREN'T MARRIAGE MATERIAL." is very benign; not to mention I did not call her an idiot, rather, ANY IDIOT WOULD KNOW.. e.g. the two women responding here.

    • @donttaazemebro: Maybe you have a different definition of princess treatment than other people. And it would seem to me that you should know someone much better than you did before 1. asking them to marry you & 2. moving across the country for them. Who's the real idiot here? Not me, I didn't insult my fiance, or strangers on-line because I got dumped. Grow up & get to know the woman you might marry next time. Act like a man. Marriage material...what a joke.