Will he ever come back, will he ever marry me? How much time is enough?

We were together almost 4 years (I’m 34 he’s 43). We took a break of 3 weeks then split up 2 weeks ago, because he still couldn’t answer if he wanted to marry me or not because he didn’t believe in it, was worried about being able to look after kids /wife. I always explained I’m an independent woman, I don’t need looking after, the kids care obviously needs sharing – but still no answer.

I was sensible at the beginning, just mentioned it once to see if we were going in the right direction, he said yes to kids and marriage whilst life was good for him. Then the bereavement in his family and it went downhill.

He started to pick up again when his meds changed, his mentality brightened. But he still kept saying `I don’t know’ I’m going to be 34, I don’t have enough time. There is history of early menopause in my family.

I decided to bite the bullet and give him a time frame to think about it and come back with an answer - still no idea. Took a break - still couldn’t say yes or no, so we split up. He kept saying how amazing I was and that I deserved better than him and it stressed him out knowing he couldn’t give me what I wanted. He also said a few things that hurt, and then he was really nice to me. The tenderness he showed me right at the end really hurt, because why couldn’t he show me this during the relationship? I got angry at this and stormed off.

I called the next day and apologized and said we could be friends...Time went on and I just got angry at him because I remember him saying he kept me on for selfish reasons. He tried texting the following week and I was too angry to reply.

I slipped up and he caught me on Facebook a few days later and asked me if I was ignoring his messages, in my anger I said yes- we didn’t leave on good terms. The following day I asked him to collect his old bed. We ended up talking and he told me he was worried all night worrying about why I had stopped talking to him when I had the last time we spoke I said we could be friends-he said it had hurt him to know I didn’t want to talk to him. I asked him outright that if his problem (anxiety/depression) wasn’t in the way could he see himself having kids and marriage with 'me'. He said ‘ yes’. I explained to him again, I don’t care about his problems – they are (to me) insignificant compared to other things people can do (domestic violence/cheating) no-one is perfect and neither am I. I’ve managed to get thro the last 4 years and I will get through the rest – no promises but I am determined to. I also said kids could be the making of him- having to focus on them instead of himself. I asked again if he would consider reconciliation, and even think about the marriage kids thing again- in fact I asked him if he ‘wanted’ to think about it – he said ‘yes’. He also said not to ask for a time frame or pressure him into making the worst mistake of his life – if it was meant to be, it would be. We were to remain separate and see other people if we wa

wanted and should I meet someone and fall in love- he said that’s ok.

What do I do now? We briefly chatted on fb again today re getting his bed like we were friends and having a laugh. I can handle it at the time, but then it just breaks my heart. I can’t stop crying at night. Days are fine at work, but I have cried myself to sleep for the last 5 weeks. I’ve managed not to for a sporadic couple of days in this time. But when I think about us, me, him, my lack of life now without him-
- I just fall to pieces again. I’ve only told 1 friend. I haven’t even told my sister and she’s like my surrogate mom. I’m trying to be as friendly as I can to him because I don’t want him to pity me and pave a course for another talk at a later date. He seems like he’s fine about it all, though he’s never been emotional and his meds don’t allow him to be emotional either, but he keeps saying he’s not alright about it -the meds just make it numb. I have to see him twice a week because we a
attend the same club.

You Guys out there - Why would he say that all that? Is he really going to seriously think about this? If he seriously didn’t want me, kids or to marry me then why would he say that? How am I supposed to move on and find someone else to fall in love with when I keep thinking/hoping he will come back with an answer? I can’t stand the idea of being with anyone else emotionally or intimately right now.

How am I supposed to deal with this?


Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • Marriage isn't everything, it's a label. Just because people are married it doesn't mean they love each other more than a couple who aren't, it's the kid plans I'd be thinking about. If you want kids, you can't have him, or so he's said. Forget the marriage thing for the moment, actually see if you both want the same things in your lives, if you get the chance

    • i agree -in that marriage doesn't mean 'theres more love', but it means more commitment. I don't know how to describe why it is so important to me. its him standing up and saying out loud to witnesses that he wants 'me' and only 'me' to spend the rest of his life with. There was no sanctitiy of our relationship- I know not many respect the idea of marriage anymore but for me it is just an unspoken 'i am taken-respect that'. I suppose I value the tradition of it - not the pompus 'party' of it.

What Girls Said 1

  • that's a tough situation. I figure he doesn't know what he wants and some guys just don't at any age that they are.

    I'm in a similar situation however it hasn't reached the extent of marriage.

    he might need some space to figure out things or you guys can talk and see what exactly what the other is thinking maybe.

    guys will say things that hurt but he might also be honest. I think he's just daunted by the whole idea and he might be thinking about it all at the moment. I doubt after 4 years he can easily walk away from something this huge but give it time.

    all you can do is do what you can do on your side and let him figure out what he wants.