What's the point of marriage for a guy?

I have a girlfriend (my first) and she talked about marriage briefly after 2 years. I usually am into it, but after a talk with my best friend, I've had second thoughts. Is marriage a death sentence for men? What is there to gain that can't be gained already?

What if a divorce happens? We'd lose the house, car, and kids, and at least half the income. Prenups get cut up by good lawyers. I could turn into a money slave for loving. What are your thoughts? Am I missing something?


Most Helpful Girl

  • The risks you have outlined are those you face with women who aren't really women. Individuals who conduct themselves in that matter may be female, but the lack of graciousness you seem to be worried about is what prevents females like that from being true women.

    If you are confident that your girlfriend is an honorable, trustworthy woman, then I don't think you have much to worry about. Relationships do decay, but I'm a witness to the fact that it isn't always the exwife who winds up with everything.

    My father, though I love him, is a manipulative, emotionally abusive person. He's very intelligent, but he uses his with to harm. I live in a small town, and when he wanted an open marriage with my mother (after she discovered he was cheating with the neighbor) and she refused, he made certain that nearly everyone was turned against her. As a child, I watched people treat her poorly in public, even when I was with her - which wasn't often. He had enough money - though he didn't work, unless you consider drug dealing a real job - to keep taking my mother to court until he got primary custody of me. Once he won that, he dropped me off with his parents. Everything that my father kept from the marriage - the house, me, furniture, etc - he pretty much disposed of after he made his point.

    So, no, marriage isn't necessarily a death sentence for anyone. It isn't easy, anybody can yell you that. It takes a hell of a lot of work. I don't think two years is enough time to spend together prior to marriage, and in most cases I think several years of engagement is very important. Living together before marriage can be revealing of how things could be down the road.

    More than anything, it depends on how you two as a couple work and how compatible you are with each other.

    • Kind of off topic, but I take it your dad must have been a pretty good dealer to have all that money. I'm surprised your mom didn't have the evidence just to see him jailed and get defaulted your custody just by virtue of him being a felon, provided he didn't have her killed or something, although then you would go to the state if he was a murderer. What an awful situation all around, yet it seems you have emerged quite strong regardless.

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    • This is exactly what I am going through now. Even after I told him to keep the family together (kids3,5) he goes out have sex with other woman. He still went to lawyer. Now society (the lawyer) think that I am insane.

      So we'll see. Wish me luck.

    • You're in for one hell of a time if he can get the kids sent to a psychologist without your permission first.

      It all comes back around, though. The one my dad sent me to for the very first time is the one who did my evaluation for work.

      I wish you better and swifter luck than my mom had.

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What Girls Said 3

  • In my opinion Marriage is not a death sentence for men unless they married the wrong girl, and if its done in the wrong time, what's there to gain is a family. But if your having second thoughts you shouldn't it. Don't feel pressure because of what your girlfriend talks.Girlfriends will always talk about marriage because girls always dream about their wedding and also they want to make sure you will never leave them. My best advice is to continue the relationship as boy-friend and girlfriend enjoy your time together I'm sure in the future you will find yourself wanting to settle and wanting a family, and once you see that in your life you will want to get married and you won't be thinking about a divorce.

    • Lett, you are correct in many of your assertions but also quite naive in your thought process. We are not discussing which girl you marry. Of course, some women will not leave no matter what happens. The obvious truth is that the attractiveness of divorce as an option to women has a direct correlation with the divorce rate. In the book Freakonomics, Levitt and Dubner make it painfully clear how the major motivating force for people to take any action is incentive.

    • I also agree with what your saying

  • Marriage is showing you want that person forever.

    It shouldn't be taken lightly and you shouldn't think about divorce..

    yah it gets tough and fights happen but that's life.

    it makes your relationship stronger.

    Marriage is really important to some people because it's a life long commitment to them showing your love:)

    really, it's not a death sentence. just find the right one that you don't mind waking up to every morning and falling asleep beside every night:)

  • Marriage has meaning beyond the legal sense. Don't think about 'what if'. Marriage is a committment to love each other no matter what.

    That's the same with tattoos. If you already thinking about the ways of removing a tattoo: don't do it.

    • Marriage has meaning beyond the legal sense, but the legal sense is a brutal contract. I got married based entirely on commitment and love ... and that's pretty dumb to do.

    • But if she does walk... that would end me financially and emotionally. WHY do I have to put up with that?

What Guys Said 5

  • Unnecessary legal and financial risk for the person with the higher income or assets. However, in every game where there's a loser, there's also a winner. Marriage represents a legally and socially sanctioned means by which the person with the lower income or assets can lay claim and be entitled to some portion of the other person's wealth. It's a great proposition for people who are not that motivated and aspire to stay at home or live off of others. It's a bad proposition for people who are motivated and don't aspire to live off of others.

    The uselessness of marriage has nothing to do with sex. I'm sure you're familiar with K-Fed & Britney. There's an example where marriage was the smartest thing K-Fed could ever do, and the dumbest thing Britney could ever do. Why? Nobody was preventing them from being in love. Nobody was preventing them from having children. Nobody was preventing them from living the rest of their lives together. If that's what they both wanted to do, they could! They didn't need to be "married" to do any of those things.

    Marriage is useless. Take away the legal and financial effects of marriage, and all you have are two people living together.

    There's the rub, or real test, though. What if Britney said to K-Fed, "look honey, I love you, I really do, and I want to start a family together and live with you happily for the rest of our lives, but I just don't want to give you the right to my income or assets. As long as you're with me, you get to enjoy those things. If I'm not happy though, and we're not together anymore, you don't get to enjoy those things anymore. I don't get to enjoy your sexy hot 24 year old back-up dancer body, and you don't get to enjoy my income and assets. So, that way, be both have incentive to keep each other happy. Or, rather, I should say, you have something to lose if you turn into an a**hole."

    K-Fed's true colors would have to show. Of course he's not cool with that. Are you naive or something? Of course marriage is about the legal and financial consequences! Take that away and marriage is useless! The person making less income and owning less assets has MORE to GAIN from marriage. It follows that this person has a strong motivation to try and push marriage on the other person, including trying to justify marriage, and why two people should be married, etc.

    Post-equal-rights, women continue to earn less than men do, but not because of discrimination: link & link During that same time period, women continue to be the pro-marriage advocates. Again, it's not a woman thing. It's just that marriage is in their best interest. When women start out-earning men (on average and as a whole), you can expect to see a very different attitude towards marriage.

  • For men in America or Western Europe, marriage is simply a very bad decision. This is not to say that all marriages fail, just about 60% of them. And 75% of divorces are initiated by women. Why? The answer is simple. Women have the incentive (given by family courts) to get a divorce. If you were offered thousands of dollars a month for the rest of your life while sitting on your ass doing nothing, would you not take that deal? Most women do. And you can be sure that after a fight with you and she's mad at you, the choice becomes even easier. And after she's talked to a lawyer who assures her that she will be paid a lot from you every month (or else you go to jail), the choice becomes a no-brainer.

    So the question is, why in the world would any man in his right mind agree to a one sided contract that held him liable far into the future, and binds her to nothing, even after the end of the partnership, when it's simply not likely to last?

    If I said there is a 50/50 chance that if you enter into this agreement, that you will lose everything you have worked for, lose you children, and end up living paycheck to paycheck because no matter how much you earn, she will get more, and in the event of an economic downturn, you could go to jail even though you have committed no crime? It simply doesn't make sense. Why would any guy agree to that? A woman certainly wouldn't. We blather on and on about equality, when there's nothing equal about it - it's completely and totally one sided.

    I'm not interested in hearing one-offs about how the guy wa a total loser, yada, yada, yada. That obfuscates the fact that what happens most of the time is that a woman files, and the guy loses everything. Nearly every time.

    Until the laws change, men should simply not enter a financial agreement where she is guaranteed all the goodies and he is financially obligated to pay for it long after the marriage ends. It simply makes no sense.

    Please don't confuse the concepts that "there are no good women out there" with "the marriage contract is an insane agreement for men". There are some good women out there, but unfortunately, there is no way to tell a good one from a bad one, because they all say the same thing to get you to agree to a committment whereby he is bound and she is not. You simply cannot tell until it's too late.

    It's unfortunate for the men and women who really would make good spouses and parents, because in today's western society, both in the US and the UK, it's simply insane for a guy to commit when the laws are so stacked against him. That means that women, too, are the losers, because now the only guys who would marry them are those who are not smart enough to have figured it out. Smart guys who really would make good husbands and fathers simply don't marry at all because they are smart enough to have figured out that the risks are too high and the benefits too few.

    • Here's the thing. 75% of divorces are initiated by women. How many of the 25% of divorces initiated by men are only initiated by a man who wants to stay married but the wife wants a divorce and manipulates him into filing for the divorce so she doesn't have too, and so she has a much stronger case than she already has in court.

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    • (One as in woman)

    • I agree that the system is one sided and it's not fair. I don't agree that if a man gets married, then he's not smart. Smart men can want marriage or not, and smart men get married or stay single too. My parents have an awesome relationship and I want that, I think my fiance and myself have a good shot. Lose love for money? F that. I've dated a wealthy man, one of the worse dating relationships ever. Wealth in $$ means nothing without wealth in health and love.

  • 50% of marriages end in divorce and 75% of divorces are initiated by the woman. And here's why.

    This makes perfect sense when you look at "Family Law" where the guy loses his home, his car and half of his stuff, ends up paying through the nose for child support which his ex-wife uses to buy herself new stuff and forgets about the actual kids.

    Let's not forget about alimony which is basically a way to enslave a man into working for the rest of his life for his ex-wife who sits on her lazy ass at home and collects money from him because she "is not used to working and cannot get a job" but still wants to enjoy the same standard of living which he provided to her while married. Ridiculous! And if he loses his job for some reason, he can be held in contempt and jailed for non-payment. This is akin to forced labour in which the divorced man is forced to work for the woman. What about what he was used to during marriage, like a clean house and regular sex? Shouldn't she have to provide that for him?! Of course not, it's a one way deal. The woman gets everything and the man gets nothing.

    So I can't see how any men in America, Canada or Western Europe can still even consider getting married when it's clearly a terrible deal for guys.

  • Lmao death sentence. That's funny.

  • I would love to say yes.

    But no, you're absolutely right.

    If you're the higher earner, marriage is a bad, bad legal contract.

    While prenups may not be reliable, get one, its the best you can do. And don't get married till you're ready to have kids.

    • Why not get married til you're ready to have kids? We want to have each other to ourselves for a few years, before there are kids in the picture. Why does that mean we have to wait to get married? It absolutely doesn't. I have great health benefits, and I want him to be able to use them too, this is probably one of the main reasons we will get married sooner than later (we are already engaged so it's a matter of setting the date now)