my boyfriend and fiance of 8 years broke up with me one month ago. He's the type that never talks about feelings, but also the guy that always showed me in every other way how much he loved me. Well, the thing is: I always trusted him, and therefore I never really thought through the fact that he had my password to e-mails, facebook etc.
Well, because of his not-talking-about-feelings, I have had my doubts about how much he really cares, and because of this I have been emotionally connected with a few guys during the last 5 years... And how much I regret this!! I was always very (too!) honest with him, and told him that I met these guys and that we only talked. Which was the truth, but still. He always said it was totally fine with him, and that I should just keep on seeing them. Don't know how I could possibly thing he was telling the truth, but I kept on seeing them, and I guess, kept on hurting him. He took him 2 years to tell me that he was hurt by this.
We got engaged in March, and I promised him that I was finished with all these "stories" about different men entering my life. In November I started working with a guy who obviously was flirting with me. I NEVER wanted anything from him, but I had a lot of conversations about him over facebook with another friends of mine. We discussed every step he made in detail. You must be judging me when reading this, but please keep in mind that it is not that easy to be in a relationship with someone who can't tell me that he his even a tiny bit jealous and tells me that everything is very very fine with him.
Ok, so my question is: 1) Could he have read my messages? Although he's always told me that he would never access any of my e-mail etc accounts? 2) Could it be that he has broken up with me because of this, without telling me his reasons? He tells me that he "hasn't felt like himself for the last years" and that "you have had too much control over me". 3) If this is the case, is there anything I can do? I love him with all my heart, and would do anything to have him in my life.
At time being I try to give him some space and time, but we keep in touch through e-mails and a phone call now and then, but he seems very cold. When reading his e-mails, it's like we have never been together. They are nice, and he tells me a lot about what's going on in his life, but they are stripped of feelings. Shouldn't come as a surprise to me, but it still does.
Guys, please help me understand him!
Most Helpful Guy
I don't see what you did wrong. Granted setting up emotional relationships with other guys is harmful to a relationship, but if that happened because he was too distant then he put himself in a position to fail.
Did you have any kind of sexual thing with these guys? If not then I think you're in the clear as far as that goes. If you complained about lack of positive emotion from him and he didn't fully engage himself in the relationship after that, then it's not surprising to me that you would look for comfort and affirmation elsewhere. I think there is a big difference between talking to someone for support and not being able to keep your pants on.
If you're in the clear then I think what needs to happen for the relationship to work is for him to learn to value you and to express himself. You can't be the man and the woman in the relationship. He has to participate. That you involved others to keep yourself okay emotionally in order to stick with him is not, in my opinion, a horrible thing.
I think you should stop blaming yourself for being a human with emotional needs. Make it clear that you have feelings too and the only way you two work is if he cares about those enough to do what's hard for him. If he can't do that, then the relationship is doomed anyway.2
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