Would you stick it out or would you divorce?

If your husband or wife hid problems from you before you married and then admitted to them after marriage and was seeking help, how far could you go to stand by them?

My husband's problems include:

Lying about things to either look better or avoid conflict

A past history of cheating on others

Hot mess with money, spending on non-necessities and overdrawing his account

Still maintaining a connection with his ex that seems more than normal to raise their kids

There are days I just need a break, he can be so over the top. However, he has made some changes that have stuck and I know if I ask him to move out, life will get very hard for him and continuing to get help will be financially impossible. What would you do?


Most Helpful Guy

  • They say to sin is human, and to forgive divine.

    They also say you can be right, or you can be married: choose one.

    Of course, it sounds like your situation has options even within the marriage to improve things. You said he has stuck to some changes, so that is a huge plus. Financially it sounds like he doesn't do math well and just draws on whatever he wants at the time and hopes it all adds up -- you could frustrate yourself trying to turn him into an accountant, or you can come up with a system to help him better project his overall buying (in the worst case, an allowance and let you handle it all -- not something I'd advocate but may be necessary for people who can't add). I may recommend just reviewing the types of expenditures he likes to make, and go by X amounts of product rather than thinking of X amounts of dollars, because you already know how much X amounts of product would cost.

    Cheating on others is a terrible characteristic. Cheaters seldom ever change their ways, but maybe he got to a place in his life where he resolved to change that prior to meeting you, so hard to judge.

    As for the ex-... a good thing would be a little reminder that you trust him, but at the same time if "hypothetically" anything happened, that he would have complete hell to pay for it. :)

    I don't think these reasons alone are significant enough to constitute a divorce.

    • Thank you. I liked the quote on marriage, good one. The underlying theme with all his problems is his instability. He will recognize something, make good choices, but at a moment's notice he could make a bad choice that he later regrets. With his money he has a dependency on spending to make him feel better. I am sure the cheating falls under the same category. He has some pretty bad childhood traumas that he is facing and working through. Just trying to see how long I can hang in there.

    • If he is taking that kind of route, he might want to look into the Promise Keepers.

    • Thank you.

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What Guys Said 3

  • If it were me, I would stick it out as best I could. I would get her into personal counseling and have us attend marriage counseling as well. If she refused, I would ask her to move out. If she refused again, I would start looking for a lawyer.

  • How is your marriage with him in general? Have these things he hid from you damaged your marriage in anyway or changed your marriage significantly?

    • Yes, it has started to impact our marriage. He is unpredictable and will do things that are really not cool, so I don't trust him at this point. I know he loves me, but even he knows that he makes it impossible for his family or significant others to trust him. The reason I have been able to go this far is he has regular moments of clarity where he totally recognizes how his behavior is so hard on everyone around him. If he didn't care and wasn't trying, I would have been done.

  • If your not happy then why be married to him?

    • If being married was just about being happy, no one would get married. All relationships, whether with a parent, a child, a friend or a significant other, have moments, sometimes periods of discontent. From what I have seen, people who stay married have all of that, but they are committed to marriage so they stick it out. I think some stay in unhealthy situations for a lifetime, and I won't do that, but I am struggling with a decision on when to say enough is enough.

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