Interesting question and I am curious to see everyone thinks. In short, I have been together with my girlfriend and now fiance for quite some time. As we are planning the wedding details, her train of thought on a woman taking a man's last name comes into play, and it was like a skeleton coming out of a closet for me. I have always thought that this was a normal thing, a woman taking a man's last name when they get married. I haven't been living in a cave and I know that there are plenty (15%) of women that indeed keep their current last name. When I voiced my opinion on it, I was accused of making a big deal of it. I'm not one of those people that feels that a man "owns" a woman, and I am well aware of the "history" that comes with a woman taking a man's last name. My main issue that I am having is that what is the point of a woman NOT taking a man's last name, for the sake of going against the traditional of taking a mans last name because you do not agree with the meaning and history of why a woman takes a man's last name in the first place? In this case she would keep her current last name which is her dad's last name. So isn't this the same thing? A woman taking the last name of a MALE figure in their life? I felt as if because of her view on the issue that I was being penalize for being a "male". There was also mention of "preserving ones self". All of this really upset me and made me feel as if myself (and my name) is not good enough for her. For me it was also not a discussion, I was boldly told that this is how it will be and that is that. It made me feel as if there are now conditions on our relationship and there is no compromise at all. Any insight helps.
Most Helpful Girl
First things first, how did you get this far along without having a discussion about whose name she would keep/take? This just seems like a typical pre-engagement conversation like, where do you want to live, do you want children, what religion would you raise your kids to know, etc . . . You may want to think about what else should be discussed before you tie the knot. I think it was exceptionally rude of her to just tell you that 'this is how it's going to be'. Part of marriage is to submit to your husband, and both sides should be willing to listen to the others' opinion and hopefully come to some sort of COMPROMISE. Whose name will the children take?
I am extremely proud of my family name, and thankfully, have male cousins and a brother, whose children will carry that name into the coming generations. My fiance, however, is the only male in his generation that will be carrying on his family name. I am more than proud, to let my maiden name be an honor of the past, and to take his name when we marry. It will be an honor for me and our children to have his last name and I wouldn't want it any other way.
There are exceptions to the rule, and every couple is different. A friend of mine got divorced after a ten year relationship. When she got remarried she kept her maiden name and her new husbands name, by hyphenating them. I hope that the two of you can find a peaceful resolution, where both of you are satisfied. The name doesn't constitute the quality of the love, but I can understand why this is important to you.