He loves me, He loves me not ??

I've been married 6 years. My husband and I have had a pretty weird marriage to be honest. He is not very affectionate, and I've tried to deal with it. When I try to kiss him, he would turn away and I would try to hug him and he would say I am smothering him. He never wanted to do anything with me. I know he wasn't cheating. He was ALWAYS home. I think its something else. He is a great father and a good husband except for this crap. I would always initiate the sex, he's always too tired so it was always really lame sex. After months and months of this I finally asked him if he was in love with me or just cared for me because I was the mother of his child. The part that gets me is he had to think about it. It took him a good 10 seconds before he could answer and he tells me " I don't know" and then another 10 seconds and he says " I think so". Well that wasn't good enough for me. I don't think he should've ever had to think about that.

Well immediately he started trying to love on me like he never said that. He hasn't tried to jump my bones like that in years. No kidding. So its been a few months since he said those things, but I can't get it out of my head. He says he loves me now, and now he is out of town working and I even flew out to visit him for a week so we could try to re-kindle our marriage. It was a good week but I still can't shake the past and now he is suddenly paranoid and extremely jealous when I go out and do things. It is making me crazy. Now he is acting like he is so in love with me but for the last 4 or 5 years he has totally ignored me and I was pretty much just his room mate that he had sex with. What is his deal?

The other thing is we have kids. I have 2 from a previous relationship and my current husband and I have one together. He is parcel to ours, when he calls he wants to talk to her but doesn't ask about the other 2 or asks to speak with them either.
I know they wonder why. I will mention how they are doing to him but he just seems like he could care less. He just says " yeah or oh ", but he is all about the other one and talks about how much he misses her and can't wait to see her.
Okay so here we are over a year later. I moved out here to Cali to be with him. I've been here a year now and nothing has changed. It was good at first then it went right back to the same thing. I think I am going to move back home. He needs help.


Most Helpful Guy

  • "...he tells me " I don't know" and then another 10 seconds and he says " I think so". Well that wasn't good enough for me. "

    I agree with you. Not a good sign. I have seen this type. Very cautious, calculative, cunning and manipulative. Probably a control freak. He has to think through all the possibilities that he can think of, and estimate your motives and reasons for asking this question before answering you. Even then, it is a "I think so", meaning he is sitting on the wall.

    This kind is very intellectual, you don't think "I LOVE xxxx", love is an emotion ! You don't THINK love, you "spill" love ! It also means his so-called 'love' is conditional, you gut feel is right on --- 'he did all that because I was the mother of your son'. Why did he ever marry you in the first place ? Because it is the right thing to do, after he has completed his mental gymnastics.

    And the part about using for sex too, right on. The fact that he "re-ignite the old fire" is just a repeat of the same old story, sex. This guy confuses love with sex and he is thinking when he has sex with you, it means he loves you. He is now afraid that you may walk out.

    You see, it is all his 'mind works'. Where is his heart ? Closed, if he ever has one. Obvious leads would include asking these two questions, "What kind of childhood did he have ? What is his relationship with his mother ?"

    Trust your feelings. Go into quietness, first, then think about him, see what feelings come up.

    There is also the 7 year itch which is common for any marriages. You can search the internet for articles on this. But the core issue, I feel, is very obvious here. Sorry to have to break this kind of "bad news" to you although I feel, at a inner-level, you already know what the problem is...


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What Guys Said 1

  • Well for one thing, your almost ignoring his efforts and still thinking about that time he paused. Men go through phases, not that I am defending him, I do feel what he did was wrong and hurtful for you. But he did react and try his best to make up for it.

    There has got to be a reason for it since he isn't cheating. Maybe his job is stressful or he's been depressed about something. The one thing you do seem to lack is communication. He needs to tell you what's on his mind and what's bothering him. He can't just hold it all in and expect you to find out. Being affectionate to your wife is a necessity, and you should demand it too. If he's stressing with something, he should tell you.

    But for the most part, please don't let that 10 second of silence ruin things. As long as he is remorseful and apologetic about it, look at his efforts too.


What Girls Said 1

  • He probably has other things on his mind. Maybe its not you maybe its work or maybe he feels tied down cause he's married. Probably by you asking that was a wake up call to him realizing you're not feeling appreciated and he may be afraid you'll try to leave or cheat on him. Guys are weird sometimes but if I was a guy and you say he's not cheating that would be my best thought.