Help, marriage and family scares me so much!?

After 2 serious relationships (each longer than 3 years) without great concerns about future, I met a boy recently and he became my boyfriend. This time, I did start to plan a future in my head with him and started taking things quite seriously, to the point where I considered living with somebody for the first time.

The problem is, in my other relationships I was SO used to taking everything extra slowly, with no great plans, just enjoying each others' company. Now, I'm starting to hear about marriage plans (we haven't been dating for more than a year...). In my environment since I was born, I have not met ONE couple who stayed together as they had promised each other. My parents are divorced, my friends' parents are divorced, I grew up surrounded by divorced women who live by themselves and it even feels weird to have the presence of a male in our house. To me believing in marriage was like believing in Santa Claus, it just didn't make sense since I was a child.

The problem is, I wish I would want this. I think the idea of marriage, staying with someone you love, having a family is something beautiful. But while I've seen other girls getting hysterical over a wedding dress, planning to meet their prince charming and having a huge party and getting old together with their husbands, I have never felt this in my life. I feel envy for those girls. As you see, my problem is not afraid of committing, I don't even get nervous thinking about having kids, just marriage itself and the idea of a wedding.

How can I overcome this? I have no reason around me to believe marriage works and I start feeling anxious every time people talk about "getting married", "being a bride", etc.


Most Helpful Guy

  • understand that you are different then those people who got divorced. everyone is different and behaves differently in relationships. So just be smart and do the best you can to figure out before getting married that this seems like a guy you wantt o spend you life with and then trust your instincts and years of experience dating to know that you have made a smart decision.

    i understand your fears coming from a background where divorce is prevalent must make a lifetime commitment to someone seem like not a realistic endeavor. I'm in a similar position where either people were divorced or miserable in their marriages.

    I just trust my instinct which tells me I want to be with someone, and despite even some bumpy relationships in my past assume that I will do my best to judge whether a person is right for me forever and then mentall commit to it ... don't feel any rush to get married. It's great to think about it but as I had to do in my relationships, I pumped the brakes despite the fact that I love my gf/fiance. take your time to make the best decision possible


Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • You seem to be at least looking in the right direction here.

    It's understandable to feel this way, given that we live in a world where many marriages end in divorce. People today have, from what I've observed, a very distorted idea of what marriage is, what it means, and what it takes to make things work. I say this because people sign prenuptial agreements, we have "no-fault" divorce laws, and many people cite things like "irreconcilable differences" when they get divorced. Or they say things like "we just don't love each other anymore". Honestly, I don't believe that for a second.

    In today's world, people are too driven by logic, what can be proved. They rely too much on compatibility. This is not to say that compatibility in a general sense (values, intentions, support of careers, etc.) aren't important, but with these ideas about "sexual compatibility", living together before marriage, etc. there are reasons why things are the way they are. I just think it's interesting that the very things people do to avoid divorce are the very things that don't seem to work. I don't know what the case is with your parents or others around you, but I say this because these things are so commonplace these days.

    I'm writing a new article about this exact thing. I'm hoping to post it on December 30 (I'm Catholic and that's the Feast of the Holy Family). Keep an eye out for it.

    And for a little bit of encouragement, I will 1) second what yaddayaddayadda02 said. No guarantee that a marriage won't succeed (though I don't necessarily think that's the most appropriate term, but for the sake of argument, I'll use it) doesn't guarantee that yours won't.

    And 2) I know plenty of people who stayed married. My parents (31 years and counting), a friend's parents (40 years and counting), my mother's parents (married 54 years before Grandpa died), my father's parents (married 50 years and some change before Grandpa died), my next-door neighbors (at least 30 years and counting), and some long-time family friends (27 years [I think] and counting).

    And for what it's worth...

  • The problem is that you are looking at the wedding as the goal at the end, rather than the beginning.

    You can go to pre-marital counseling when you get close to that point. That can help work through some of these issues.

    Just like no one is guaranteed a marriage will succeed, you're not guaranteed yours will fail. It takes a lot of work, but it can be done.


What Girls Said 2

  • How old are you?

    Until I was about 22 I absolutely wanted to get married - ASAP.

    At 22 I left my long term boyfriend and from 22-26 I wanted to be single and never marry, never have kids and remain an independent woman for life and do as I please without having to answer to anyone else, ever.

    When I woke up the day I turned 26 it was almost like a switch flipped and I was ready to settle down and get married and have kids.

    Maybe it will come once you're older. I think it's wiser to marry a bit later into life since you know yourself completely, did everything you wanted to do and got a bit more of an idea of what someone "right" for you feels like since you've had sometime to contrast them to everyone who was "wrong".

  • These things are never set in stone, you have to take a chance. You're never going to be prepared for marriage or kids. If you're already planning a future in your head with him, I think you're getting closer to being a marrying kind of girl. Does he know of your fear of marriage? And you don't have to get married, it's not mandatory these days. You can just live happily ever after with kids but not being married. Do what's right for you and your partner.