My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. He is 36 and I am 32. He has always stared at other women, sometimes not even hearing me when I'm speaking to him. I cry, yell, cuss, everything, and he still does it, even though he promises he'll stop. I asked him why he does it, he said he was imagining having sex with them. He did not say it in a mean way. I told him that if he didn't want to have sex with other women then it would never cross his mind, he said,"Yea, that's true".
I asked him if he would have married me if I had told him that I still wanted to have sex with other men, and he said no. I told him I wouldn't have married him either, and now I am stuck in a marriage where I am not respected.
I don't know what to do. I really don't care if some guys say that ALL guys are that way, because I hope that there are some guys who are more respectful than that. How do I deal with this? What do I say to him about this and how can I stomach having sex with him again?
Most Helpful Guy
Well, there is a difference between "imagining having sex with them" and admitting that, at some level, you want sexual variety. Versus him REALLY being a cheater. He could be either type.
I can't really explain your husband, because I'm not sure which he is. But consider this:
1. He MIGHT not want to cheat, or to hurt you. Rather, he does like thinking about sex with others and was trying to open up to you. Not to hurt you, but to be honest.
2. All cheaters and almost all faithful guys like to think about sex with others. We also like to think about (and have) sex with ourselves. And we like to remember having sex with our exes. And we think a lot about having sex with our wives. And we think about having sex with our wives AND their best friends at the same time. That doesn't mean we're going to DO it all, but that we like to picture it. And honest guys like to tell the truth about it too.
3. He MIGHT want to share what turns him on, without negative repercussion. He could be the best husband to you in the world, but still have this thing he likes to picture involving a shaved asian in leather and a large zucchini. But you make him feel like a freak for telling you so and you're pretty much guaranteeing future resentment, secrecy, and broken faith and less trust. That's not what you want, right? You're discouraging his openness with your current reaction.
That said, he certainly could be more considerate about the staring. And he certainly could be motivated not by honesty, but by unfaithfulness.
He's your husband; you're the one that should know if he's a cheater or just a guy with a sex drive and an honesty streak. But you're treating him like a cheater. If you're right, then there's not much you can do about him anyways. Move on.
But if you're wrong, and he's a honest guy instead, who simply made the "mistake" of telling you what he thinks about, he doesn't deserve to be looked down on by you, treated like sex with him can no longer be stomached. Where's your respect for him? If you don't have it, move on. But he is what he is and you married his honest ass, so stand by him. Looking down on your husband is WORSE than him ogling a stranger and telling you the truth.
But don't try to force your man to lie to you that you are the only woman that ever enters his mind. You most likely aren't. No matter who you choose to think about. It's his mind. If he leaves it there, and respects you enough to never lie, you MIGHT have a great guy there. Just work with him on the staring a bit. Let him know it hurts you. Heck you could even let him know that you are turned off by him talking about other women. That's alright to do, guys HATE bringing up stuff that turns you OFF, regardless of what we keep in our dirty little heads.
But don't shame a good guy. And don't tolerate a cheater.1
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