Why is she acting so distant from me?

Ok there is this girl that I met in Japanese class. Also she is Japanese. I don't know if that means anything but I just figured I'd add it. Anyway we hung out about 5 weeks non stop and we talk all the time. Hanging out 10 hours a day, and she wants to be only friends. But yeah were hanging out all the time she playfully hit me and joked with me, made up a nick name. She even called me her best friend. Then all of a sudden something happened. I don't know where it changed exactly but basically we hung out for thanks giving, we were laying on my bed (I live in the dorms) and we were messing around drinking a little and she wrapped her legs around me jokingly telling me to say sorry. I did.

Then we had a few phone calls after that and then it got really bad. She wouldn't keep a conversation or look at me, then I got sick and she calls me all worried. I figured she still cared about me then but then it got even worse. Now we rarely talk, we didn't hang out for like 3 weeks and when we did hang out it was because we had made plans to go to a big concert over a month ago. Ok so we go to the concert and she acts distant and quiet, but then gives me a small Christmas gift. We get to the concert and she's distant, I have fun on my own and then she's messing with me again. (also after drinking) Playfully punching me, yanking my shirt, wrapping her right arm around my neck and jumping up and down with me. Next day she's back to not really holding a conversation or looking at me when I talk to her.

We hang out for New years eve, She invites me and I stand alone for a second and she calls me over, to join her. Then she goes and dances on her own. So I go and dance on my own. Then we go back to a friends house and she's drinking again and back to her old self. She's talking to me, playfully kicking me, laughing. I don't know if she acted like that around anyone else except for the other girl that's also from Japan like her but that's because they can relate on a cultural level. She says she doesn't want anything more then a friendship. So my question is why is she acting like this? Does she think I got to close to her? Dose she think I'm after her and trying to be more then just a friend? I'm a really nice person, I treat my friends and always offer a hand so maybe she thought that.

Maybe I said something wrong, or offensive. How do I tell? Maybe I said that I care about you and she freaked out about it. I don't know what I did wrong. HELP! I'm cool with being best friends unless she wants more or less but she's not telling me anything. I brought it up once that she was acting distant and she said it was her finals that were getting to her.

Also the way she acted drunk is the way she use to act when she was sober and hanging out with me for the 5 weeks we spent so much time together. So I don't know why she acts so distant sober and so normal when she's drunk.
What dose it mean when she seems uninterested when with me and interested when drunk? Why would she not care if we talk or try very little to even keep talking if she likes me. If I did accidentally express something more would she go back if I give her space?


Most Helpful Girl

  • First of all, this is totally a cultural thing. A lot of non- Asian people misinterpret the behavior of Asians around people. They like to joke, tease and playfully kick guys. But this does not necessarily means that she is interested in you. Maybe you gave her a sign that you wanted more than a friendship with her and she does not know how to react. So she goes and ignore you or get distant a little bit, that is her natural reaction. You probably did not say anything wrong or offensive to her. It's just that you guys were getting too close and she realized that. Maybe, her behavior means that she does not want more than a friendship and that's her way to show you that. She is not telling you anything because she is probably shy and she will not tell you upfront, that is a cultural thing- sometimes they could be very ambiguous.

    I am an Asian girl, and I have been studying different cultural behaviors. I have gone through the same thing too and have noticed that guys usually misinterpret my nice behavior. They think that because I get too close with jokes and blah blah blah. I like them, that might not be the case.

    However, maybe she likes you but she is shy and does not know how to behave around you or how to tell you...

    • Honestly I do like her. I never would persue a more personal relationship then best friends unless a girl says. I understand what your saying.(she may think I'm to close or she likes me) But how come she would know how act before and not now.

    • I did not get your question? can you expand on it?

    • She could mess around with me before so why not now? If she does like me then why would that make her change how she acts around me? If she doesn't like me and wants some distance would she go back to messing around with me if I give her space?

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • Sounds like she still likes you as a friend, but gets embarrassed about her drunken behavior then withdraws from the friendship. I definitely think it could be a cultural thing...

    I found a really good essay about humility in Japanese and hyperbole in English, here is the link: link It's in .pdf format.


What Guys Said 2

  • I would say continue acting yourself around her. Have you had any conversations about dating someone from a different culture? Her parents probably don't approve and parents are a huge part of asian culture (at least that's what I've gathered). Obviously she is really interested in you on a physical level as well as emotional (based on the amount of time you guys have shared) because when she's had some to drink she can't help but show that physical attraction. Definitely don't take advantage, in fact while she's drunk and you have some alone time it might be a good time to bring up a conversation to get some honest answers and possibly to admit that you like her. Make sure she knows you do not want to lose her as a friend no matter what.

    • It is true that parents are a huge part of asian culture , but not all of them will disapprove. A lot of them would understand or would not interfere with their choice.

  • Have you confronted her about your feelings? If not, you might try that, find a nice time when your both in a good mood(not drinking) and ask her nicely how she feels about you two. Tell her you like her and enjoy spending time with her.

    Drinking often opens a person up and even makes some do things they might not otherwise. So don't worry too much about that. If you try to talk again and you get nowhere, then there isn't much else you can do. In that case, if you like her, just continue to be there and if she turns then great. If not, you'll both move on and you can add it to your list of experiences.