My boyfriend ended our relationship horribly, NOW he wants me back. Should I give him another chance?

My boyfriend of 3 years told me it was over and he no longer wanted me. He said I was immature and needed to grow up and he called me a whore all at the same time. I am neither. I have been very loyal to him and put up with a lot of physical, verbal and mental abuse while I was with him. I forgave him every time. We had moved from the crap we were living in, we saved our money and we got a new place. He had just got a job as an OTR truck driver, and he was to come home and be with me in our new home. When he came home, he decided to stay with his mother instead, and he asked me to bring all of his things over to him .He told me it was over and he didn't want me. I cried ofcourse, because I didn't understand why. He even brought his mother into the picture. She also told me I needed to grow up and learn how to be in a relationship with a man. Now, my boyfriend is a lot older. I am 20 and he is 36, but I didn't mind the age gap and neither did he, or so I thought. After I realized the relationship was finally over, I stopped crying and moping, and started hanging out with friends, I even met new men who I had plenty of fun with. My boyfriend has been contacting me a lot now saying that I am his girlfriend and I need to end all contact with any new dude I have been talking to. He says he wants us to work on our relationship and take things slow and make improvements. I am unsure about this because of how badly he ended the relationship. I am enjoying the new attention from the new guys I've met, and all the freedom and fun I am having. He will be coming home again. He wants to come home to me and I don't know if I should let him back in!


Most Helpful Guy

  • Oh my. First of all, a boyfriend who insults you, belittles you, and is so demeaning to you is not somebody you should be with. I know it is hard to hear, and I know that love can make people blind sometimes, but you have to realize that this guy is terrible to you and doesn't care for you the same way you care for him. Do not be with an abusive guy. I feel sorry for his next girlfriend(s) though.

    Forgiveness is good, but you need to know where to draw the line. I would draw the line at abuse. I don't really get it though. Why would he buy the place with you and then end the relationship, asking you to bring the things over? That doesn't make sense? And on top of that, he tricked you into bringing his stuff over for him? I think he is too controlling and used to getting his own ways. It would be wise to stay away from him.

    People should be understanding and tolerant of mistakes and different personalities. And your boyfriend isn't like that. He should not have brought his mother into the picture. His mother and his physical, mental, and verbal abuse most likely lowered your self-esteem. So you don't feel happy and content and what they say to you just makes you feel worse. You're 20. He's 36. You're right to be inexperienced. I don't know why he is taking his standards at 36 and telling you to grow up, when you're like half his age. That is really mean.

    Be with other guys. Be with people that are more likely to respect you and be considerate. The problem is that you both bought the house, and I'm guessing that he also has the keys. I don't know what to do in this case. See if you can move out of the house. See a counselor. Get out before he gets back (if you can). It isn't going to make you happy if he is back. You have every right to be with who you want to be, and he has no say over that.

    • Your advice has given me comfort. The new home is mine, my name is on everything. I set it up this way just incase something like this was to happen. He has nothing, no car, no place of his own, just a job.He was gone for a month, and during that time I got us a new place and did everything I needed to do. When he finally came home a month later, he was suppose to come home to me, but he went over his mother's, asked me to bring his things and he ended the relationship. Now he wants to come back

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    • And yes, please do see a counselor. It will help you heal.

    • Yeah. A counselor is good. But the problem is that they own the same house - together.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • This guy is what I call the "manipulator" archetype, he's playing

    around with your feelings, not really caring about what you think.

    He might have found another woman in the month he was gone

    but when he realized it didn't work, he went back to you because

    he knows you'll let him back in, basically he's using you for his

    own benefits, this is not what a good relationship should be.

    Do not let him back in, it could end with more than just abuse

    and that we really don't want to happen.. keep living your

    new life, get a real boyfriend (perhabs your age?) ^.~

    Now I'm all for forgiving people, and I probably give

    people too many chances myself, but, enough is enough.

    You deserve much better, that man is just a big baby

    coming crawling back to you when his "toy" is broken.

    He told you to grow up, but isn't it really himself

    who isn't ready for a relationship? that's what I think ^.~


What Girls Said 1

  • Honey, you are way too good for him. Next time RUN every time a guy starts abusing you instead pf putting up with it. No matter how many times you forgive, he isn't likely to change, because being abusive brings him too many benefits, he doesn't care how much you're hurting, etc. (see Why Does He DO That? By Lundy Bancroft).

    The first time a guy hits you, verbally puts you down, pouts like a child instead of telling you what he wants, it's time to RUN! This a-hole loser of a boyfriend was a big bulky who likely took advantage of you for your age. He doesn't think like you or I, or your well-intentioned friends who do not abuse you. To call you a whore, hit you, etc. just to gain power shows that he is not, and likely never will be fit for a relationship (unless he attends years of intense therapy with someone competent enough to detect an abuser and knows how to rehabilitate him). He is bent on having this power because he refuses to see you as an individual with your own needs; he sees you as an extension of himself. If you don't do what he wants, it threatens his narcissistic sense of self to the point of anger and frustration. He wants you back because he misses having someone to cater for him.

    Cut this dude out of your life forever. I don't care what anyone says; not all men are abusive and entitled (the mentality of "all men are like [insert negative trait here]" leads to bad men), or maybe you were strong and independent and he managed to tear you down over time. Abusers are skilled at manipulating just about anyone; even street smart people. No matter how much he begs or attempts to control you, do not give in. The person you need to focus on is YOU, and to never ever settle for scum like that again.

    • Even if you feel like the most "selfish b" ever, (and he likely will try to make you feel that, as I have been in abusive relationships and the guys act like they're martyrs who "gave so much"), you're priority is you. Once you get away, you can reclaim your personhood.

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    • Thank you so very much for your input. It has helped alot.

    • Glad I could help! You deserve to be happy and free. <3

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