How often do you think about someone you love dying? How scared are you that you'll be alone one day?

I've lost a lot of people with only being 24. People very close to me that mean the world to me.
Just a few mentions.
Father I was 14
Step father I was 18
Friend when I was 10
All grandparents
First guy I had a crush on. I was 9
First kiss. I was 14
Boyfriend when I was 18.
My uncle. I was taking care of him as a home health aid stand in. I was 19.
My aunt this is recently. That's what got me thinking.
I'm so scared/so paranoid of death. I feel numb when it comes to connecting with people.
I don't date. I don't have romantic relationships. I don't make close friends. The only close friends I have are from when I was a kid. I don't date because I sometimes swear I'm cursed.
I've had my heart broken so much and I miss them all so much. This isn't all of them either I have more friends and family that have passed away that I grew up close to. I just don't want to keep making the list. My mom is going to die she's sick and doesn't want to fight it. She wanted to talk about her funeral with me today. To tell me what she wants and I can't do it. I mean I did I sat there but I felt like I was suffocating and my heart was going to pound through my chest. How the hell do you handle this? I don't know.
I didn't mention the way any of them died because I don't want to talk about them specifically. I don't want to think about it that in-depth. If you comment asking questions about them I won't answer. They died anything from car accidents to illnesses to drug over dose.
So I want to know if anyone else feels they don't get a break from death. Are you worried you'll be the only one left? That every one you know and love will die before you? Because most days I think "I'm 24 years only am I ever going to have a husband or a child? Would I be able to mentally handle it?" I probably won't because any time I get flirted with or asked out, I get away as quick as possible, as nicely as possible. I think I'm too messed up to want a family anyhow. I would be horrible for someone to deal with. I'd be so over protective.
So if anyone reads this answer any questions you think you could answer. Thank you.


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