I'm so miserable with my life, nothing I do ever changes how I feel. How can I even attempt to enjoy life?

I've spent over five years of my life living like a dead man walking. I'm only sixteen but struggle with mental illness. I've been recommended counslers and have been vaguely tested for depression but have never actually seen someone or been properly diagnosed. I had an extreme major depressive episode in my sophmore year and went on the brink of suicide. I've told my family and they are aware but they don't seem to comprehend how I feel. Most of the time I feel nothing. Then occasionally I'll have extreme bouts of uncontrollable anger and sadness. I'll cry for hours. I can't handle the stress of school but manage to get A's. I need an insane amount of sleep 10-15 hours. I have no motivation. No drive. I have a lot of friends but I don't really have any emotional attachment with anyone, even my best friend. Even if I don't see them for awhile I don't miss them though I should. I'm terrible. I think a majority of my peers are ignorant and idiotic. I wish I didn't think of them that way. How can they smile so easily? I wish I could. This enviroment I live in is so controlled. School is a small pond that trickles into a large sea. I find social interaction not particulary necessary and spend most of my time alone or with my family. I'm finding I'm turning more and more into a recluse. I've tried many hobbies. I love art, so I stick to it. I'm in band. I've tried diet. Exercise. I don't feel like I have the right to be sad since there are so many people in this world who are worse off than me. It hurts though. I'm so sick of living this way. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I have no idea whats wrong with me but mental illness runs in my family. Happiness is such a valuable thing but even I can't seem to grasp it. I keep on falling into the same old patterns. What value do I even have for living? I'm so alone in this train of thought... there's no one who understands in my daily life. My anxiety is overflowing. I want to improve. God, Someone help... please.

Every licensed person I've told in school (Guidance) or at the doctors has said I need to be in counseling. My parents have never followed through with getting me help. I wish I could turn off how I felt like a light switch. All in all I feel guilty in feeling this way. This is my last resort. I have nothing else to resort to. Advice is really, really, really, appreciated. You have no conception of how grateful I'd be.
I can see my parents whenever I wish to, distance isn't an issue. I attempted exercise for over six months at least. Personality report-Mediator (INFP-t) . The demands of school are so great I can never get the sleep I personally need. Usually about 8-9 hours and I still feel tired and terrible. I get extremely irritable also when I don't get enough sleep. (Sleep paralysis is a minor issue for me sometimes).
Oops, that last message was a comment reply but anyway I'm finally seeing a counselor next week after nagging my parents. Yay. For some reason my mother wants to do blood work also to rule out thyroid problems or anemia. Thank you guys, seriously. I don't think I would've taken the initiative to get the help I needed had I not gone on here. My parents or family may not get what I'm going through but at least they're trying.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Most things have a trigger, so what sets you off? That is, does it occur when you are alone or with people, family or friends? Does it happen when you don't ge enough sleep or to much sleep? etc.

    • I do not have a trigger. It's more of an accumulation of things that snowball rapidly. I'm extremely irritable if I get less than the average amount of sleep that I disclosed above though. Whether I'm with family, friends, or people in general I still feel the depression lingering. I love being alone strange enough so that would be unlikely to set me off in any manner.

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    • Well, try it and see what happens. Good luck to you.

Most Helpful Girl

  • You need to seek help on your own accord and encourage your parents to do so as well. Bombard them if you have to. Otherwise there are multiple free sources for help both online and in person where you can talk to people who can help you. Trust me, I know, I'm a survivor of intense anxiety and depression.

    Your mental illness will try to drag you down if you don't start fighting back. I found solace in writing and in a anxiety help group that I found in a local news paper. There's multiple online sources as well, including forums and things of the sort.

    If you are desperate and need personal help you are at your discretion to message me, but I encourage you to try and seek help on your own if your parents won't. You also need to talk to them and make it CLEAR you need help and feel desperate for it.

    • I asked my dad two days ago, begged actually, and he said he'd get the contact for my counseling. They're just too busy. He hasn't gotten it yet and I can't contact them myself because I don't have the information they need to schedule me. My anger just keeps on getting more sporadic and explosive. I don't have an outlet for any of it either. It comes out of nowhere. My mental illness is already affecting my attendance in school as it did last year and the year before that. I feel so sad that I feel like I'll be physically ill. I can't even bring myself to eat right now. If this illness is the result of a chemical imbalance in my brain then I'm going to have to go on medication which my mother refuses to put me on. She's very strange in her ideas on medicine. She has mental illness also but her counselors were never able to figure out what it was. I write quite a bit already and enjoy creating poetry also. (One of my poetry submissions is being published in a book actually)

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    • I hope so too, I need a resolution to this story that's for sure. I'm just glad that I'll finally get some relief at least. Most people don't understand how much of a burden any mental illness can be if they haven't walked in another's shoes.

    • For sure. I really hope things get better for you.

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What Girls Said 1

  • Hey sugar, reading ur post reminds me of my self. Message me? If not, I'll message u. ^_^