Readers, what do you think of this?

Do you think this is too much detail, or no?
It's just the start of chapter 15, so I am still unfinished.
Constructive feedback is what I need. Thank you. The age is wrong by the way, I'm only 17.

Ribbons of the golden twilight made motes, and smears of ancient blood glitter that swathed the sides of houses. Yuzen had not seen a city quite like this of course; he had dreamt of seeing the cities of legend just as the other Swarthen boys did back in Thulspire, but he had not imagined to be striding through one, striding through tainted Shadowmount. The path that his boots clattered in a monotonous rhythm did not look a path at all. You see, gold and streaks of pearly-silver hued the lacy stone that felt like glass if you ever walked on it. Laced-glass.

Tendrils of shadowy-grey smoke rose from the crumbled pedestals, and bricks, and stones that toppled over one another. Now, Yuzen could not see a single house that was not either smeared with blood, or bore a dust-coated roof that had long fallen in. Lanterns, spangling like stilled fireflies, hung from the hems of brazen doorways—just dangling—quavering whenever a gust hefting the smell of tinder, stirred. It did not look as if the four of them would find shelter, nor a soul to help them—no—he was sure they wouldn't even find an animal in sight. Hoisting his head, he scanned the glazed skies, skies that looked like oozed lava; colors mingled with another; pearlescent swirling into ruby; ruby swirling into a lilac. It would not be long until nightfall came, and when it did, he was sure "they" would come.

I'm trying to target YA (Young Adults), but what do you think?


Most Helpful Girl

  • It's extremely well written, great job.
    Just be careful not to go overly descriptive - sometimes it can interrupt the flow of the piece and takes away the relaxing element of reading.

    • Okay, I get it. Thank you. I'll try not to be over-descriptive; however, getting into the very nexus is much more troublesome than you might think.

    • Oh no I understand perfectly well. It's a very good piece of writing, it's just that in certain areas simpler versions of a certain sentence would support the flow and give a break for the imagery to form.
      Keep it up.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • Too many details.

    And cancel the, "You see" part.


What Guys Said 1

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