Why do we love those who don't love us?

More likely why don't we love those who love us and love those who don't instead?

I'm not saying i'm in the situation where i love someone who doesn't love me, but i've seen it a lot and it even happened to me before, but i learnt from it and it never happened to me again.

@archiz @sunlite @victorianne @luvstoned4him @Maxemeister (expecting an answer from you is like expecting an answer from @apple24 lmao) @Consultantisback
want some answers from old people like @jacquesvol @olderandwiser and @paleq


Most Helpful Girl

  • maybe you just want smthng you never really had.
    and the things you already have, you take for granted

    • so if you get what you want you'll take them for granted?

    • Show All
    • i want to have you lmao

    • wth? :P

Most Helpful Guy

  • Okay. Here is an answer from an old person.

    If a person has a happy childhood, they experience conflicts which get resolved, they pass through psychological developmental milestones, and the result is an adult who is capable of finding a suitable partner and having a mutually satisfying relationship.

    BUT. . . if those conflicts do not get successfully resolved, a person can get stuck at that level of development and not progress further. Later in life, they will get into relationships with someone with whom they can re-enact the conflict, hoping to find a resolution of that which was not resolved in their childhood or adolescence. This is a subconscious process and if you ask someone why they are in a particular relationship, they will never realize their actual motivations; instead, they will have some lame, "I don't know. It's what I always do" type of answer.

    The exam which is easiest to see is girls who don't resolve the competition for daddy's affections. Most girls go through the experience of this need, they compete with their mother, they are daddy's "little princess." Daddy gives them attention but also appropriately withholds it at times and demonstrates that wife/mother is the center of his life, not daughter. Daughter recognizes the reality of this situation and begins identifying with mother, emulating her behaviors so she can learn to be a good wife and mother when her time arrives.

    Girls who don't resolve this conflict seek relationships in which they can get a surrogate "daddy's" affections, usually through sex. They get lots of sex but what they are really seeking is love and approval; failing to get that, they give more sex, trying to get a better result, but it doesn't happen. These women engage in an endless series of highly sexed relationships which are wholly unsatisfying and they are often labeled as nymphomaniacs.

    So, you see, sometimes there is a hidden agenda in relationships and it is not always about finding a partner for mutual love, trust, and respect. I hope that this makes sense to you and helps you to understand why being in a relationship with such a person is so exceedingly difficult: they never consciously process and verbalize what they are truly doing with you so your questions never receive real answers.

    • This is a great answer I totally concur with this.

    • Oh then people who do not get those conflicts successfully resolved find it hard to find a partner who love them, so they start looking for a partner desperately and would fall for anyone without even knowing why?

    • It depends on which particular conflict does not get resolved. Problems with toilet training would lead to different results than problems with the competition for daddy's affections. It is not that they have difficulty finding a partner to love them; they are actually looking for a partner who will love in a fatherly way rather than in an adult romantic way.

What Girls Said 4

  • I think it's because we all have deal- breakers and qualities that we look for a potential partner. . So we see things in another person that fits into our
    " criteria " as though to speak. So we fall for them , but yet we don't fit into theirs, so they don't fall for us.

    ... Or after a while certain aspects of our personality surfaces, and that becomes a
    deal- breaker to them, and vice versa

    • That is exactly what i was thinking, but it seems like a lot of people here seems to disagree.

    • I suppose everyone's perception is different.

      I find guys who've fallen for me in the past where the feeling wasn't mutual... it's been because there's certain traits they have which are deal-breakers for me.

      Or I've grown to have feelings for a guy , but over time I start to see aspects of his personality which I don't like. For e. g. controlling and arrogant. Therefore , the strength of my feelings diminishes. Those are deal-breakers for me. I couldn't be happy with a controlling guy who was arrogant

  • i think u spelled @palek wrong

    in every relationship there's one person who cares more than the other, its a cruel world lmao

  • People want what they can't have

  • It's just how life is sometimes


What Guys Said 5

  • If you think in terms of personality traits, that we find attractive in others and those we don't we must also think about the filters we see others with.
    If we view relationships and love from a distorted view point, such as low self esteem or depression, we will not see ourselves as worthy of love, there for since we can't love ourselves then we don't love others. Nothing is as simple or as pure as love.
    If something is a turn off for us and we ultimately decide these people and their behavior is not for us, then we have to understand that sometimes, it's not them but us that has this behavior or these traits that we don't like in ourselves past or present.

    For ex. if someone is an ex smoker or drinker or drug addict, they will often despise those that use those substances, same goes for the people that are angry or selfish or have any other negative behavioral trait in themselves will despise others with the same trait.

    If someone is clingy, desperate or needy then often they will despise that trait in others too, now they may no longer be that way or are not currently that way, but if it's viewed as a negative then they will consider that grounds for dismissal of a budding relationship.

    A lot of this has to do with mirror neurons in the mind, things we admire in others is what we hope to be, and things that we hate in others is what we wish we were not.
    So if we are being honest with ourselves when we list deal breakers, then we know at one time or another we were this way and wished we were not because it was not received well by others, due to the fact that they too possessed those traits.
    What's interesting too, is that a woman will tell you something logically, but she responds emotionally to things. She might say she wants a nice guy that is sensitive and romantic, but never dates guys like this. Men will tell you directly and logically what they like or don't like.

  • It starts with romantic 'love at first sight', in my opinion.
    Once we start loving someone, that person is idealized and becomes the focus of all our attention. Then we tend to
    *-overlook other possible lovable persons.
    *-be afraid of being seen, committing an 'infidelity' and losing all our chances that way. Thus we'll avoid visible (even innocent!) contact with other possible lovable persons.

    Even if we are rejected the behavior described above will become a habit.
    HOPE is the keyword here. A destructive incapacitating hope.

  • I wouldn't call that love but rather infuriation. It's like a child who wants the favourite toy of another child so badly but once it has said toy it becomes uninteresting. Thats not what love is though.

    • What is love exactly?

    • Show All
    • Oh i'm starting to get it now, the feeling i had to some people i wanted to "have" years ago was never like the feelings i have for mom or dad, I guess that wasn't love then. Thanks, you were so helpful.

    • "Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable." - Bruce Lee

  • Because we choose only with our hearts without our minds

  • We all want what we can't have

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