Why do some people just seem to lose it when they hear of other people cheating?

I have seen the topic of people cheating come up on gag and many people seem deeply disturbed by this, often going so far as to believe that a person is forever a cheater or lacks any morals at all. It seems few other issues provoke such impassioned response. Why is that?

So that gagers know where I stand, I believe cheating is imoral. I believe it hurts people. I do not believe that cheaters are forever cheaters. I do not believe that all cheaters have no morals. I know you have only my word to go on, but I have never cheated on anyone, ever. To the best of my knowledge, I have never been cheated on.


Most Helpful Girl

  • The reason it invokes such a strong response is because cheating hurts real deep.

    My ex boyfriend cheated on me throughout our whole relationship. He would say he was at a family thing, and then be out with other girls. The only reason I found out about the cheating was because a friend of mine found his profile. She messaged him (he didn't know she was my friend) and he told her he had been single a long time. He had pictures up of stuff that happened during our relationship (new car, new dog).

    I confronted him about it and he denied it even existing. He said someone was pretending to me him online (unlikely as he gave my friend his number and was texting her).

    He told me he wanted to be with me, to live with me and have a life together. I was really upset when I found out it was all a lie :(

    It's such a personal thing when it happens. And people will even go so far as to say it is the person's fault their partner cheated, or at least imply it. I've had this happen so many times.

    But cheating hurts you in your core. I was so angry and my trust was betrayed. I just felt so lost for a long time. It really affected me. Unless you have been cheated on, it can be hard to know how you would react.

    I believe cheaters can reform themselves. But only they can choose to do that. I wasn't willing to put myself in a position to keep trying with a person who clearly wouldn't admit to what had happened and try to work past it.

    • It does indeed hurt. But more to the point, it does, or as the potential to hurt YOU.

      If someone is violent, that too has the potential to hurt. But I believe that people tend to think it won't happen to them. It happens to other people. Hence it has little potential to hurt YOU. However, I think people are much more likely to believe that a cheater has the potential to hurt them, not just other people. If it hurts other people, that seems to be more acceptable. If it hurts US, that's not acceptable.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Hey @Bluemax. Hope this is the question you were referring to.

    As I said in the other response, I believe that everyone makes mistakes. And I don't think that people who have cheated are bad people. But I do believe that they had made mistakes. Love and sex really are grey areas, and there is such a thing as living in a loveless situation that can't be changed. Divorcing with children, or religious restrictions may not allow for a split.

    But humans have needs.

    Is this condoning cheating? No. But it's simply looking at the situation with compassion and understanding, instead of judgement. Judgement is the enemy of Understanding. But ultimately, people make mistakes. And when you are needing human contact people do fucked up things to get it. And your brain isn't necessarily working the way it should.

    Anyone really try to think straight when they are horny and their body temperature is up? Why do you think people literally take cold showers or rub one off... (or two.) Personally, I've done some pretty dumb shit in this state. But it is what is, I can't change it and really only regret wasting my time.

    So, unless someone is a serial cheater... Again, have some compassion and empathy. And even think about why someone is a Serial Cheater. As a matter of fact, go read the reasons people cheat on Whisper. You'd be surprised at some of the answers.

    • I tend to agree with you.

      However it seems most don't see it that way. It makes me wonder why so many other DON'T think that way. I have heard people confess to seriously beating another human being for no good reason, and their so is OK with that, thinking, "Oh, that's in the past..." But if the same person admits to cheating in the past, somehow suddenly that is utterly unforgiveable.

    • Thanks for the MH!!

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 9

  • I don't know why cheating is such a sensitive topic. But I do think we place entirely too much responsibility on our significant others to make us happy. We are responsible for our own happiness. I think a lot of times cheating happens because we simply crave connection with other people. We crave constant approval and want to be desired. I don't think it's necessarily about what's lacking or wrong in the current relationship. People focus too much on their own insecurities and wonder what they did wrong, when often they did nothing.

    • Fascinating.

    • Show All
    • I can agree with that. I also agree with you statement that when we cheat we crave connection with other people.
      I think that essentially it's about something missing. I wish more people would understand that in a relationship you're responsible for the other person. If you can't supply them with what they need, don't be surprised if they cheat on you. I always say: If you don't have what you need at home, you will find it elsewhere.

    • So... do you feel like the person you are in a relationship carries the weight of trying to make and keep you happy? That's an enormous responsibility.

  • I don't think every cheater is a "forever cheater" but I do know a couple cheaters who have been cheating on their s/o 's and have no plans to stop.

    So, it's pretty fucking gross. They can't commit to someone but they can commit to cheating on them? Fucked up.

    • Thanks for sounding off. More to say on this later.

    • Suppose you were going out on a first date with someone. He admitted to you he cheated on someone in the past and that he is truly sorry for it. How do you react? Would there be a second date?

      I agree, by the way, that it's fucking gross. However, what puzzles me is why so much other behavior is tolerated.

    • that last sentence sums up my entire thoughts on the matter. dont condone cheating never will condone just dont understand how much hate it brings up in people. its amazing

  • It takes a long time to build trust but only a second to lose it. So for most people they feel like they can never trust that person since they already lied and did something. So when something goes wrong people tend to over correct to avoid the same mistake. So in a only cheating once so far case, most people will over correct and just believe they will keep doing this kind of thing.

  • People dislike selfishness, and cheating is literally the epitome of selfishness for many. I agree with you in the fact that people treat it as black and white, that if someone cheats once, they're destined to cheat in every relationship they are in. Whilst I do believe past behaviours predict how someone will conduct themselves in the future in some cases, I think some people can change.

    • Thanks for stopping by. I am about to go hiking. More to say lster.

    • Theft, unprovoked violence, lying, and a host of other bad behavior which is often tolerated more readily are at least as selfish as cheating.

      I tend to think there's an element of selfishness in the hatred that's heaped on cheaters.

    • Well I guess cheating is the most selfish act that isn't actually illegal. It also involves an element of lying and being dishonest, too.

  • A cheating past is like a credit history. It's very possible you won't fuck up your score THIS time, but based on past behaviors you are very likely to do it again.

    I too have not cheated nor been cheated on to the best of my knowledge.

    • How do you define "very likely to do it again?"

      Couldn't the same be said about any bad behavior. He/she has done X in the past (X being a bad thing). That's like a credit history. It's very possible you won't do X THIS time, but based on past behaviors you are very likely to do X again?

      I've read people make the claim that a cheater has no morals, which I find foolishly wrong. No morals at all? It seems few other transgressions provoke people to say so-and-so has no morals at all.

    • Pretty much. Most people that go to prison are likely to reoffend and they often do, most thiefs don't stop stealing after getting caught once, most people that go on fad diets will regain the lost weight because the underlying issues that caused these behaviors hasn't been addressed.

      All of these things fall under skewed morality or lack thereof. Doesn't necessarily mean the offender completely lacks all morals.

  • My family is rife with cheaters. My friends do it too. It no longer shocks me. It's wrong, but it also seems ubiquitous.

    • Rife with cheaters? Would this include your parents?

      Why do you feel it makes many people flip their shit?

  • It's pretty obvious why

    • Well, I have my own ideas why, but I'd like to hear yours. So what are they?

  • A family member was married with a young daughter. He met a woman at work who was also married with a young daughter as well. One thing led to another, they ended up having an affair and eventually left their spouses.
    They have been together for the past 12 years and very happy.
    I think every case is different. When people choose to cheat it's often for serious reasons like unhappy in the current relationship or lacking that special something. Only crazy people cheat for sake of cheating.
    Often, people fall in love and just can't help it. I was reading today about British Prince who abdicated for an American socialite, Wallis Simpson.
    It happens all the time, all over the world.

    • That was Edward VIII. He abdicated being king. My father remembered how many people seemed scandalized by this.

      I don't doubt the possibility of that couple being happy for 12 years.

  • I don't think once a cheater always a cheater, and could totally get over it if my Husband ever cheated as long as he came to me and told me about it shortly after it happened. Someone making a mistake doesn't hurt my trust, someone lying about it does. I couldn't stay with someone that I had to find out they were cheating, or someone one else told me or that he told me weeks after just because he thought he may get caught. Also I'd want an STD check done before you touched me again (and you had better used a condom too) ... once again to show that you respect me and don't want to expose me to your bad decision making.

    • Why do you feel so many others would NOT react the way you would?

    • I'm not even sure. All I know is that I value honesty and trust above all else... that doesn't mean you can't fork up and make mistakes it just means you have to be honest about them. My Husband and I also don't do jealousy in our relationship and try to communicate everything even if it is a crush on someone else. Crushes happen... esp. out of boredom or whatever... not talking about it doesn't mean they aren't happening it just means you don't know about it. We talk about everything and don't judge... that wouldn't work for most people I guess.

What Guys Said 6

  • While a person who has cheated is not guaranteed to cheat, I do believe that they are more likely to cheat compared to someone who has never cheated before. If there is a barrier, the first time you attempt to cross it will be the hardest but after that I believe it becomes increasingly easier to cross with each subsequent time you cross it.

    It provokes a passionate responses because of how much time, emotions and resources you often have invested into that person only for them to betray you so easily and in some cases never own up to it. To know you gave them your loyalty and they couldn't do the same for you. Reading stories about other people being cheated on can result in you placing yourself in the situation of the victim which is why people can seem to "lose it" after reading those stories. It's just frustrating because sure you can think "oh you just have to trust them" but then you think of how the person in the story trusted their partner and how that worked out for them.

    • I can't help but think there is an element of self-centeredness to it.

      I have seen people admit to all kinds of bad behavior, and others will shrug and say "Eh. You're only human. None of us are angels." I have known people who have admitted, even boasted, about being violent without provocation and his/her so just shrugs it off. (I consider violence a MUCH more terrible offense than cheating) I have seen a person admit to having cheated on SOMEONE ELSE, and the so breaks up with that individual right there, even if it was cheating on SOMEONE ELSE.

      I have more to say, but I am going for a hike.

      But when

  • Because a lot of the cheating stories on the site carry the same lengthy "heartfelt" format of sappy confessions that somehow attempt to divert the attention away from the fact that it is all just about one very simple thing.
    One shitty person making shitty decisions.

    It is like a confession of a serial killer who goes like "try not to mass murder people because I did (despite there being ALMOST justifiable outside influences, from my POV at least...) and then realized that the consequences kind of suck".
    Well, no shit.

    • Have you ever done anything bad in your life? That's rhetorical of course, and if you answer no then I can't believe I'm dealing with an honest person. Because you have done something bad, and have made bad decisions, does that make you a bad person?

      In answer to my own question, yes, I have done bad things and so have you and every person in the world. No, I don't think I am a bad person, nor are most people I meet.

      Cheating is bad, but it comes nowhere near murder in terms of degree of badness.

    • What does it matter about whether I did bad things in my life?

      What ticks off people about the cheaters is not that the people do bad things, it is that they have the guts to come here and attempt to explain themselves and blame everything on outside factors and circumstances in pathetic attempts of soothing their conscience.

      And since a lot of people have experiences with cheaters they get triggered by the bullshit excuses in the sappy confessions people write about.
      That simple.

  • Cheating is a process of many steps, you have to plan it and execute the actions. Anything that's premeditated is wrong in a big way.

  • because nobody wants to get cheated on.

    • Bingo.

      Why then tolerate all the other bad behavior that people have done in their pasts?

    • because forgiveness, and you kind of hope they learned from their past mistakes.

  • Because its terrible behavior that should never be encouraged.

    • Most people I've met have engaged in some bad behavior that should never be encouraged. Yet most people overlook the bad behavior in the past if the person hasn't done it in a while.

    • I'm guessing it may be seen as improving in that situation. However there are still people that see cheating as something broken in the individual and therefore see it as "once a cheater, always a cheater". So the reputation hangs there like a fart in church.

  • the only reason you ask this... is that "You have never been cheated on."

    • No, that's not the only reason I ask this.

      And I'd like to no your opinion, but if you'd rather not, that's OK.

    • actually if you read that carefully... i already gave you my opinion...

      that feeling of being cheated is the most worst feeling in the world... and i would pray that u dont ever get it...