How to Build up Self Confidence and Self Esteem?

I seem to have very little confidence to go out in the world , to speak my mind and do what I want. I am 21 now. I was bullied both at school and in work.

Over time I have come to realize that this is because I rarely speak up on my problems and issues. I grew up with my mom , who also rarely speaks up on anything. Though she is silent because we are poor and we need to be friendly with anyone ( cause you never know when you need them) . But I always saw her getting crap from others. Whether at her work or from her own family , specially my grandmom who always blames my mom for everything in the world , and my mom never speaks up.

My mom always told me to not fight with others too , I remeber since grade 1 when a I fought with a guy she scared the hell out of me saying what if I broke an arm of injured the guy permanantly and that I should never fight with people and that I was wrong. When people verbally bullied me she told me to talk to the teacher instead of dealing with it myself and that I was wrong if I ever spoke back to a bully.

So because of things like this I am naturally scared to take any action in my life. Its sort of like I am programmed to be like this. I noticed even in everyday things I am afraid to speak up, I feel like I have SEVER social anxiety , but I don't. I just lack to confidence to do anything because I was meant to believe I am wrong.

I hate this , as Everyday I get bullied and make fun of simply because I appear weak and dont take any actions against things. I really want to improve myself so I dont have to take shit from anybody.

What do you think I should do?


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  • The lack of a strong figure in the household can really screw over young guys.

    Insecurity and confidence are often forces feeding on each other.

    That is, if you have insecurities, you will act in a way that tends to make people run over you or not interact much with you at all. That then further feeds your insecurities in a vicious cycle.

    If you have confidence, people will want to be around you which then feeds that confidence. It becomes a wonderful cycle where you draw more and more people towards you the more confidence you have, while this in turn boosts your confidence.

    You're in a vicious insecurity cycle from what I can tell. Only you can break it. You have to feel attractive, man up, be dominant, be strong. If it helps find the right kind of fashion that suits your physique (find clothes that really fit you well and complement your body) while simultaneously lifting weights and working out to improve it and build up strength.

    Last but not least, a man should seek emotional maturity above all else. That means being able to act in a level-headed, not on your raging emotions.

    A man does not say, "I behaved poorly because [insert reasons]". He takes full accountability. It stops at, "I behaved poorly." It's something to strive for, not reach perfectly, but this is the peak of emotional maturity. It does not go into reasons for why you behave poorly because it never allows behaving poorly as a reaction to anything.

    This is a type of manliness not often taught so well in films glorifying heroes sacrificing themselves. Emotional maturity is the more practical form applicable in everyday life.

    With girls, ask them out sooner. If you like a girl and think she's pretty and think you might like her if you get to know her more while talking to her, ask her out. Don't fixate and obsess. And treat women as equals. Don't put them on a pedestal.

    Most of all, follow up on invites from your friends if you have some already or start making some. Put yourself out there, introduce yourself. Put your hand out first if the words don't come to you, and the words should come to you then.

    • For working out, go big and heavy. 8-12 reps until muscle failure (until you cannot do a single rep no matter how hard you try, and do try). It's about intensity more than repetition. Then combine with protein supplements for max effect.

      When you enter a room, command a presence. Own the space. Mark your spot. That is your space. Don't let people make you hunch into a corner. A man claims his space and occupies it.

    • I understand , but I want something like the next 2-3 steps to take into building my confidance.

      Also I am already lifting.

      Thanks for you time.

    • For the social side, this might sound like a horrible suggestion but bars tend to be a not-so-bad place to get over some social anxiety if you don't go crazy on the drinking. The main appeal is that you always get a fresh set of faces to talk to, to practice with, and if you end up feeling awkward talking to someone, chances are you won't see them again. It's easier than if you're with the same group of people all the time you see repeatedly. If you try it, don't go to catch girls too much, just go to try to practice socializing.

  • All due respect to your mom, as she was telling you what she thought was best, to keep you safe, and not get hurt.
    Sometimes the best intentions create bad results. She is your mom, so you need to respect what she said and taught you, but as an adult, you can choose something else!!
    Ignorant fools get into physical fights, so don't even think that fighting is a good solution.
    It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of Small-minded idiot bullies.
    "telling on them' won't help, and will probably make things worse!!
    Bullies are usually cowards, and they act out, bullying, to make themselves feel bigger, and stronger!!
    You need to find some confidence, and call the bully out, and challenge his Bullsht!!
    You need to build your own confidence, and find a way to WALK TALL, and be YOU, as a MAN!!! Bullies don't fck with confident kinds, because they are really just punks!!