I'm hurting right now. Could really use a pick me up. Anyone got some funny jokes or something?

I've been feeling really down lately. Someone make me feel better ❤️😢
Updates:
You guys are the best. Thank you so much. You're helping me feel better already :)

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What Guys Said 28

  • seeing as nobody here bar like 1 dude has actually posted a fucking joke here's one;

    a man is checking the paper one day and sees an ad "talking dog for sale - serious enquiries only"

    the guy goes over to the house and is shown to the back yard where a golden retreiver is sat he walks over tonm the dog and says "ummm hi?"

    the dog sits up and replies "oh hello there"

    the man is obviously taken aback and for a few seconds just stands there while it sinks in

    "you... you can talk! that's amazing what are you doing just sitting in this yard?"

    the dog nods, "yes well I'm retired actually, when I was young I was a bomb disposal dog I was tasked with keeping my humans safe and I have the highest record of any serving or ex serving canine unit in the military, when I turned 7 I realised I wasn't getting any younger so I left the military found myself a girl, god rest her soul, had a couple pups and settled into a nice cushy job working airport security, where I managed to stop several terrorist attempts, afterwards I was enlisted as a guard dog for a very high profile client that I am legally not allowed to disclose, when I retired I was picked up by my new human and, well here I am"

    the man runs back into the house and says "how much for the dog, he's amazing I'll take him!!"

    the owner looks up and says "$5"

    "$5? why such a small amount"

    the owner sighs

    "because he's a fucking liar he's never even left the back yard"

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  • Hey, why DIDN'T the chicken cross the road?
    Because he never made it across.

    Hey, why can't clams chew food?
    Because they don't have any pearly whites!

    Hey, why are cheetahs very unhealthy to eat?
    Because fast food isn't good for you.

    (Hope these made you smile at least a bit, don't let yourself stay sad!)

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    • Do you like racist jokes? Because I've made up PLENTY of those!

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    • What do you call a black midget?
      A realistic goomba

      Why are animal abusers in Korea never caught?
      Because of how easy it is to get rid of the evidence

      (Edgy joke as well)
      Hey, why wasn't it allowed any more for cops to control the flow of cars by holding up stop signs?
      Because they had just remembered that human trafficking was illegal.

    • Hahahahaha oh shit!

  • Not a joke but words You are beauty full to many who care an that never let the bad times bring you down cuz there's always sum 1 who cares to say words of encouragement hope this helps you fill a bit less blue

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  • Pfft you're fine girl. Nothing in this universe deserves any importance if it's negative. Just ignore your sadness, throw it in the trash, play music, feel the beats, dance to them, play Mario, take a short nap, make some coffee or whatever beverage cheers you up...
    If these doesn't work, talk about old family trips with your siblings or parents, look at your childhood photos with them, plan more fun trips, etc...
    :) :)

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  • Here's a joke for you 😉😘

    Peter goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me a condom? I’m going to my girlfriend’s place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!”
    The pharmacist gives him a condom and Peter was going out, but he returns and says, “Give me another condom because my girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike a luck there too.”
    The pharmacist gives him another condom and as Peter was leaving he again turns back and says, “Give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eye contact and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move.
    During dinner, Peter sat with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the Mum facing him. When the Dad walks in, Peter lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer: “Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you have given us.”
    Three minutes after, Peter was still praying, “Thank you Lord for your kindness…..”
    Ten minutes go by, and Peter is still praying, keeping his head down, very close to the table. They all looked at each other surprised, and his girlfriend was even more surprised than others. She gets close to him and whispers, “I didn’t know you were so religious.” Peter with his head still on the table replies, “I never knew your Dad was the pharmacist!”

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  • Here's the thing...
    We all need to get to a place where we're able to stand on our own two feet and are able to keep ourselves happy. Happiness comes from withing, not some external source. When you find out what makes you happy in life and pursue that and make yourself happy all on your own, THEN and only THEN are you possible ready to maybe share your life with someone else. Happiness is not from an external source.

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  • what's the difference between period blood and sand?

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  • I can't chat with you since you don't follow me but if you follow me I'm always willing to chat and make you feel better. I've helped a lot of people in this world and if you just want to chat sometimes we can just to talk.

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  • I suggest watching "whose line is it" the Tvshow for free on the cw seed.

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  • I would share joke but all of mine are super racist.

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  • i shared this with a girl i cared for years ago: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6ZoN4D3ISw

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  • I hope you feel better. Take each day one at a time.

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  • I'm late to the party as usual. All the jokes have already been told :(.

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  • Only joke I have is me, and I'm sure you wouldn't want that one.

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  • What did one tampon say to the other?

    Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches.

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  • What do you do when you see a n** hopping on one foot?
    Stop laughing and re load

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  • you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose

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    • Are you sure, because if you're right I have been lied to by Jimmy the Picker. I feel a little violated even if I am able to breathe clearly now

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    • Then you're just not committed to picking your friends nose.

    • everybody draws the line somewhere I guess I've never been in a situation where I had to cross the line yet but one day when called upon I hope to have the strength

  • hi , i like role play, so hey i like to try if i can.

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  • how do ghosts greet each other? Hey Boo ;j

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  • Knock knock!!

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  • Just hold my hands and say what's hurting you?

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  • what do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
    ruberto

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  • I have read sun rays can elevate mood..

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  • I'm in the same boat. what's going on?

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    • School. My training diet. Friends. Etc. really everything is bringing me down. But what was the icing on the cake for my depression, was I was SUPER depressed... like on the verge of making a huge mistake... and when I'm sad I push people away. So I told this guy I really love so much, like words can't even describe. That it would be unhealthy for him to have someone like me in his life since I'm sad all the time and shit. Anyways, he basically agreed with me. Which hurts cuz I thought he really cared for me. I mean I know if someone who's suicidal was pushing me away, I wouldn't let them... I don't know. I guess I thought he'd fight for me. I was wrong tho :/

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    • Ugh. Love you too 😘

    • Thanks Red. i mean Ms Thunder.

  • Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the road was trash talking so the chicken had to break some ankles

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  • if clowns don't cheer you up, nothing will.

    media.giphy.com/media/qifceuivH5UFa/giphy.gif

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What Girls Said 4

  • You have infinite potential. If you let yourself reach the highest point then you can reach it. Don't limit yourself with "No I can't". Believe in your infinite potential!

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  • Awww are you okay?

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  • Would you like to talk about it in private?

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  • Sending good vibes to ur way

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