Sometimes to combat it I can go out and get ice cream and sit at a table in public. As long as I am in public, I don't completely feel alone.
This loneliness is starting to cripple me. I can't focus on work outside of a job, I can't even pick up single player games anymore to kill time. During this loneliness I can sit or lay in my room dwelling on it for 8 hours straight literally doing nothing else.
I became more scared of the weekends than the weekdays, because the weekdays make my thoughts go away. Keeping busy puts my thoughts aside, and works as a temporary band-aid.
If I ever get a relationship (once every 2 or more years) I feel 100% better and normal again. My whole life feels clear, I am confident, structured, focused, and everything positive and good. I am even capable of being complete alone doing anything. As soon as it is gone (Usually me ending it due to things not going to be able to work out, I have had some toxic relationships) I am back to feeling exactly like this. Anxious, depressed, unable to be completely alone again, and sometimes wanting to die so it all goes away.
I already see a counselor, and I refuse medication (I firmly believe medication does more bad than good, so I use none).
I feel quite hopeless...