How do you deal with an emotional abusive ex?

I have to deal with him one way or another. we have kids together.

i thought we used to agree with certain way of raising our children. now that things seem different. Whenever, there are problems, he would blame on me or if he is stressed out and start to disagree with what he used to agree with.

he would be so upset to the point he would continue to harass me over text...so I ignore him...

what else can I do? I do want to raise kids with him?

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  • He's emotionally abusive or emotional '&' abusive? because we can do a drive-by on that n-ro right now...j/k

    You say you want to raise kids with him, "with him" as in couple-like or you just want a decent environment for your kids to grow up in ( you want apart of your kids lives and you want to see him apart of their lives)?

    I figure you're asking the latter, so...I would say things could work out but both of you would have to be willing to compromise, and be mature for these kids. Maybe it's dawning on him moreso now that you guys aren't together and he's going about that in a childish manner.

    I would set the record straight and have a heart to heart talk with him, maturely, and tell him that you guys are adults, raising kids, you want the best life you can give to your children with or without him. He seems he needs a little more raising up to do himself, you should tell him that you are no longer playing games, he should be civilized enough to not create tension because those kids 'will' catch on to that.

    I wouldn't take anymore of his threats or w/e, people don't have time for that foolishness...do what's best for the kids and if that mean it endangers 'you', then that's not what's best for them, they wouldn't want anything to happen to their mother.

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  • If you really believe it is emotional abuse, why not file for full custody, and he can still be in their lives for visitation. If he is talking/ texting to you like that then when the children are older how do you think he will talk about you to them. Some more details might give me some better insight though.

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    • i just responded on chat :)

  • I suggest you seek some counseling on how to handle this situation in a healthy, mature way. Whenever your ex is abusive to you and your kids happen to be around they are learning something. They are learning his behavior, they are learning your behavior, they are learning that the way you are treated is acceptable because you are accepting it. They are learning that his behavior produces results. So consider what you want your kids to learn. Instilling high self esteem, self worth, self respect in children is damn near impossible for parents to do when they don't possess those qualities themselves (you can't teach what you don't know).

    As an adult who has suffered a great deal of difficulty due to low self esteem it has taken me years to understand why I didn't have any and why my parents were able to develop it w/n me. And as long as I feel even slightly less than fully loved by myself I will never have kids because I will NOT pass my baggage onto innocent children.

    I also witnessed my parents fight like hell when I was young. The screaming & yelling matches were awful. I developed a sharp, wicked tongue myself from listening to them. When I was a young adult I'd lose my temper and let my cutting words rip. I did this because it was what I knew, what I was familiar with. Eventually I gained some self awareness and realized that just because I was accustomed to that behavior since it was behavior my parents used, it didn't make it good or healthy behavior. But unfortunately a lot of people in the world never step outside of themselves and learn that stuff. So they continue on their entire lives carrying out the same unhealthy, abusive actions they learned from their parents.

    This is all stuff you gotta think about when it comes to your ex & your kids. I don't envy your situation at all.

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  • Ah some of us always have this problem and for some of us this problem seems to follow whenever, wherever and with whoever we are lol - can't help laughing on people such as us.

    I cursorily read what BCRanger10 has written and Point 3 of his story is something I agree with completely - Kudos buddy

    These are people who either unwittingly begin doing what they are doing (emotional abuse - blaming us for everything happening around them etc) which either becomes an unwitting habit and us the punching bag and / or they realize it well but keep punching cause they are insecure and low esteem about themselves somewhere deep down and they see it not only as a good release for themselves apart from an ego boost but also to a good control measure over us - this is immaterial of sexuality of the person. This is why Point 3 of BCRanger10's story is one of the best things to begin with.

    As of the children, I agree to a large extent with what a lady and standUp has stated here (no, I haven't read all the comments, only those that caught my attention).

    Do the best you can with and for them, you are duty bound by god and nature to do so.

    Don't make them party to your these problems. The idea is not even that if they view you as 'good' or 'bad' when they grow up, it's more important that they be happy and strong, learning the right values.

    You require to make yourself stronger and increase your self esteem for yourself.

    The abuser is not going to stop cause you have become stronger, he may continue what he does immaterial of your inner strength, but you will feel better about yourself knowing yourself better and his weakness / shortcomings.

    Also I don't think counselling is going to work with this chap. Such people usually do things on purpose and act differently in presence of counsellors thus making you feel all the more low about yourself.

    If you get custody of the kids well and good, even part custody is good enough.

    A person bad with you is not necessarily a bad dad (or mom), though this is doubtful and debatable. Keep your ante up at all times on this situation.

    You can always get a restraining order on his texts and stuff (which can also in turn prove to be a negative for his custody stuff in court)

    By the way, if you don't think logically and have some good esteem about yourself you can never really be a good parent whichever sex you may be.

    Read your comment on 'her issue firing back on her' stuff. This whole thing you are going through is about control which is something he will try on the kids too. Don't bother about any of them, be good to them, don't bother with what they think, just be good and do what's required (I do) without waiting for titles and good names. They are your kids and they deserve all your love, education and goodness alongwith stoic support at any point without your trying to prove to them something about their dad (or mom).

    Your raising kids with him is probably not a good thing - unless he changes which is unlikely

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  • Dont read these other comments that are further harassing you. I'm not experienced in this area myself, but I watched my mom go through a very similar thing. But, it went on for about 14 years. It may not seem like a big deal to many people, however, emotional abuse can be just as detrimental as physical abuse. My mother seemed to become less of a person. It is very easy to say that you'll put up with it for your children because they come first, however, you must help yourself before you can help others. If you allow this to continue..you will become accommodated to it, and you will start to feel as though it is your fault that you're going through this...you'll start to believe things that he says. You will lose so much self esteem as a woman and as a mother. I honestly think it would be an excellent idea to look into getting professional input. Do not allow your mind or heart to be treated that way. Don't disrespect yourself like that. There is nothing that you can do or say to change him, so you have to make a change and realize that it will be so much better for every one of you. The longer you take this abuse, the harder it will be to get out because you won't feel like you deserve something better. I completely understand wanting to raise your children with their father...however, you have to consider weather the children's growth and well being would be better off with, or without him..or without so much of him. Please please please understand that this has effect on your kids already..stress rubs off on our children as many know. Also, when your self esteem and self worth are constantly being torn at and thrashed on, it will make you believe that you are unworthy, and could very well impair your abilities to be a wonderful mother who is able to support her children and be their backbone. I could go on and on about this because this topic is something I'm very passionate about...but I won't lol...just please consider what I've said. Much love to you and your children...and the very best of luck(:

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    • i did once say I would not want him to be part. but that is not an option the court will only rule share custody. and he has the children now. he will never give me physical custody. I have to deal with him. I also once said to leave so that I can have sanity even if I have leave my children since I will not be able to get my kids. I m very hurt and like you said he will never change, and will continue to mistreat me. I now have stopped talking to him, still he has the children. :(

    • You should look into a restraining order on the grounds that he is damaging your emotional stability. If he does not comply with that, then that alone is reason to award you custody.

  • You shoud get some help counseling, and other ways of help. If you do not feel safe having him around your kids then there are things you can do. Has he ever been pyshically abusive?

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    • no. not physically. but the verbal and demearor is unbearable. I could say one word he doesn't like and he would blow up. since he has children, I have no choice but be nice to him. but the other day, his way of responding to me still makes me feel very insecure and scared.

  • Ignore him when he starts rantng. REspond quickly if he says something reasonable. This sort of rewardpunishment system is the best way to deal with people like him. He'll realize that yoou'll cut off communication with him when he gets abusive and avoid that behavior, or at least minimize it with you.

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  • Have as little contact with him as possible,if he starts to say anything out of line,ask him to stop and remind him this is about the welfare of the kids and you will not tolerate stabs from him to you or you will have to get a third party involved to keep yourself from having any type of contact with him at all.

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  • have you ever suggested him to get counselling? he sounds negative, possible anger/ stress problems. and it isn't fair to yourself that he takes it out on you.

    you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of kids and you 're doing the right thing to distance yourself from him.

    consider counselling/ family counselling for yourself and him.

    he's the one making it a toxic situation and it's best he needs to take care of the hatred in his heart for what ever reason.

    hope your situation improves.

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    • Thank you. Yes, he and children will start counseling next week. I have been going on my own. he has children at this point. I do believe he has a lot of anger and other issues. He has to be willing to seek help. and yes, I do wish, I can be the sole parent to raise these children. however, I made a few mistakes along the line. Now he has kids.

  • Call it what you want (I wouldn't necessarily call it emotional abuse), but this is my story and how I dealt with things... link

    I hope that helps.

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  • My question is why did you have kids from him and not wait for the right man? A common mistake a lot of women are making in this generation. And why on earth would you want to raise kids with someone who is emotionally abusive? Sounds like you're setting you and your kids up for a future failure. What can an emotionally abusive person possibly have that's good for your kids. Remember when being a parent its all about your kids, your kids well being come first. No matter what your ex say just think of your kids and remember these words 'for their sake'

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    • We were actually in love and started a family together. I was always supportive of him but he took me for granted. There were signs that I never took too sreiouly because for me in a relationship I would give...after awhile I learned I wasn't getting. eventually his selfishness took all my love and kids. I have no choice buy do share custody. the best is supposed to be two parents working together to raise kids. worse is when we fight. at this point I am not talking to him till he comes to me.

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    • It's not so much that "SHIT haPPENS", it is that people are nowadays way too selfish and it shows!

      I agree with him about waiting for the right person but that this mistake is made by men AND women.

    • I disagree with the judgment altogether. It happened. Get over it. Now she's asking for advice.

      You have no place to judge whether she was in love with the man. You have no data either way to make such an assumption.

  • The most important thing to consider is your children. If he wasn't the father of your children, would you put up with that kind of behavior? Remember that your children are going to see him as an example of how to behave. How do you think he would raise the kids if something happened to you? If your children see you as the cause of problems and that "daddy" is always mad at "mommy" then they might begin to see you as less of a person. I feel that when there are unresolved issues between parents then that translates into parenting. The two of you may need to clear the air with whatever issues the two of you have with each other. If you can't do that, then you both need to set aside your issues when dealing with the kids and set some ground rules. In the end it's what's best for the children.

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    • Well said I agree with all but one point. Daddy being upset with Mommy will not have a negative effect. My ex talks trash to my kids all the time. My children see this as her issue back firing on her. They tend to draw closer to me because I do not react to the negitive and do not bring a negative light about her. Children are very perceptive and know what's reasonable. No matter what the situation is they respect -RESPECT !

  • Go to a counselor together.

    If you think he harasses you, then a counselor sounds like the right way to fix things, to make things better for the two of you and the kids. You then should be able to part things up and raise them the right way.

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    • i hope it is as easy as you said.

    • Nothing is easy in those cases but it can get better!

  • His issues with his negativity is his and his alone. Do not own any of that. By not responding to that is a very smart choice,if nothing positive or respectable response from you comes about. He does sound like he has some self-esteem issues that is deeper than what he has to say to you.

    My keeping your children in mind. The best thing for you to do is be the absolute best mother you can be. Working on yourself by knowing you do not control what others do say or think. So this leaves only you to better yourself healthy in body and mind. Do not allow stress of any situation or consequence to knock you of the beam of light that God has already given you.

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  • I have dealt with a situation similar to that.

    My advice is to back off when he harrasses. Getting help from others would be great too. Everyone deserves to be respected.

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    • yes. I decided to stop talking to him. sad. I truly wish, we can be the mature parent to raise these children together. :( however, at this point, I feel helpless and hurt. I just friended you and welcome to GAG. we can meebo chat once you accepted my friend request.

      tks.

  • You should probably leave him and find someone better.

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  • You should think about what is best for your family and if it's a good thing to raise them with a father who is emotionally abusive. Even if he doesn't say anything to them or hasn't yet if they see that they may think that it's normal or even acceptable type of behavior.

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  • U cope the best you can. Get some help. Keep focused, if there is one good parent kids will turn out OK. I hope you have the majority custody. Soon they grow up and see the real man.

    You can't change him. Do the best you can with what you got.

    Best of luck

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    • thank you. he won't give me full custody

    • If it is really bad you should start collecting evidence. Talk to social workers and maybe even a lawyer. If money is an issue there are legal aide centers for family law.

      And you are welcome

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