I think her boyfriend is abusive...am I wrong?

My roommate and her boyfriend were arguing outside of a bar last night. I witnessed the whole thing, and I think her boyfriend is in the wrong, so I intervened. Now she is mad at me. But I think what he did is abusive. What do you think?

DISCLAIMER: Neither of them are innocent and I am not condoning either of their behavior. I am going to call them dan and mary.

Okay, so we were standing outside of a bar last night and a few of us were smoking cigarettes and black and milds (all drunk by the way). One of our friends offered Mary a hit of a black and mild, and she had a little one.

Dan had quit smoking about 3 months ago, and he called her stupid in front of the group for smoking the black and mild because he coudn't kiss her, it would make him crave a cigarette. She apologized, and a huge fight ensued.

He often acts like an idiot when he drinks, he gets mad too quickly and freaks out. If Mary is drinking, and a fight happens, she starts crying. She isn't a fighter.

So Mary is crying, and getting really upset at him for calling her stupid and yelling at her in front of the group. They go off to the parking lot (where I could still hear them) and they just keep yelling at each other.

I see him spit on her. She then slapped him in the face. He starts screaming even louder and she started pushing him away. I was watching really intently at this point to make sure nothing happened.

I then saw him put his arm up against her neck and shove her into a parked car. Even though it was for a second, I heard her gasp for air as if it hurt her.

I ran over and pushed him away from her and drug her away from the parking lot. I said I was gonna call the cops if he came near her. All she did was cry. Luckily he stayed away.

Today, she is mad at me because she said that was the only time there was ever physical violence, and she was the one who slapped him first and pushed him. I've never seen them fight like that before. They were both really drunk.

I guess he spent the rest of the night crying and woke up today and called and texted her a million times about how sorry he is. I keep telling her to ignore him, but she thinks its her fault.

Am I being ridiculous? I don't understand, I mean a guy should never act like that towards his girlfriend, right?
Updates:
I also have to add though that he has emotionally abused her in front of me before while he drinks, like calling her names and being openly upset with her in front of lots of people.
And not all we do is drink haha, this is like a once in a while thing, I've just known them both forever. Last night was our friend's birthday and we got too many free drinks from the bartender.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • This really does sound like he was being a complete d***.

    Think back, have you ever seen any marks/bruises on her previously? Perhaps this is the first and only time its happened, but like you I find that hard to believe.

    If a guy acted that way towards me, I'd just walk away; I wouldn't have slapped him unless absolutely necessary e.g. being attacked or restrained. Maybe suggest that if it happens again that she doesn't retaliate unless it is definitely self-defence and keep a close eye on the situation as a whole to make sure that she is safe.

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    • I live with her and he spends almost all of his time here, so I am pretty sure there hasn't been physical violence, I think I would have seen it.

      And you're right, I think slapping him was the wrong thing to do, but in her defense he was screaming in her face calling her names, and spit right on her. If I was under the influence and someone was doing that to me, I probably would have wanted to slap their face too. Plus he is stronger.

      I am glad others see what he did as MORE wrong that her.

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  • I don't think she should be upset with u,u were protecting her,yes she did start with the physical abuse towards him and she was wrong,but guys are much stronger and if he had gotten too angry he could have really hurt her,she should be glad you protected her.

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    • I agree! She has never touched anyone before, I've known her for 16 years and I have never seen her in a fight like that. She must have been really pushed to the edge. He was the one who kept the fight going by calling her names and freaking out, no matter how many times I heard her apologize. And then when he spit on her, I probably would have slapped him too. He is stronger and bigger than her, it couldn't have been that painful. And she only pushed him away when he was in her face screaming.

    • if he has no respect for her in public,imagine what she is putting up with behind closed doors,at this point you can only be supportive when she is down,she has to decide when enough is enough.

  • Dude. Yeah. He should not have a girlfriend. The LEAST she could do is tell him she's not sticking around if he keeps drinking, although I wouldn't feel safe around any sober guy who acts like that while drunk.

    I don't know what YOU should do, I feel like this is up to her, but if she's in danger and isn't taking that seriously... I guess just make sure someone is always around them when he's drunk. I would call the cops if it gets physical again.

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    • I agree. I feel like I have to stay involved no matter what. I've known her since we met on the first day of 1st grade. Not to mention we live together and I have to see him in our apartment and hear him just say ridiculous stuff. He isn't always bad, he can also be really cool. But I can't make sense of him. I almost want to say he can't come to the apartment anymore. But I know she will hate me :/

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