I loved her more than anything. I will never have her and I don't want to live any more.

Ive never really been in a relationship. before I met this girl I never loved anybody but myself. some guys might not think much of her, but I have never seen a more perfect female. she and I were friends from the beginning. but I always wanted more. and she knew I had feelings for her and she used that to her advantage. she has the most perfect face, and I can't get that vision out of my head. but she didn't have much else going on for her. high school drop out, arrest record, probation, drug court. she drinks and takes pills constantly and she lies. I didn't care about any of this. but I'm so scared that with all of her drugs and whoring she is going to ruin her life. stds, fatherless kid, jail. she is going to ruin her life and she deserves so much better. she strung me along enough to make me have these feelings for her but she never felt anything for me. I didn't realize this until after I wrote her the letter. that letter said everything I could not. how much I loved her and why, how perfect she was. she read that letter and texted me that she never felt anything and she didn't want to see or hear from me again. and to top it off I find out she's been sleeping with all these guys (even my cousin) the entire time I was trying to win her affection. she's barely 19 and she's been with over a dozen guys. she was the only girl I ever considered sleeping with. I had a chance to but she was drunk and I would never take advantage of her like that. the worst part of it? knowing what I know I still love her so much and I would sell my should to have her. but I will never see her again. I've felt like sh*t before but never as bad as I do now. so many nights I find my self drunk at 3 am staring at a gun wishing I had it in me to pull the trigger. I hate myself for letting some slut hurt me so severely. but I'm lost, I don't know what to do. I know I'm still young and life has a lot to offer me, and maybe one day I'll meet that truly perfect girl, the kind I would never think I have a chance with but she loves me for what ever reason. I have a lot of hope for my future, but the pain I'm experiencing now is so intense I don't want to deal with it for as long as it takes. I don't want to see a shrink, I don't want to be prescribed pills, I hate pills , that's what ruined the girl I love. but I don't know how to get past it. she is the first girl I fell for in so many years, and I don't have it in me to just go out and meet another girl. friends are of minimal support and my family has enough of their own problems for me to come out with all of this. I haven't seen her in over 2 months and today is every bit as bad as the day she ended our friendship and my hopes for her. I know many of you have felt like this, but your still here. some one tell me what I have to do to get over this. I have no idea, I do everything I can to stay busy and occupied. but the second I'm not doing anything I'm right back to wishing I had her. what can I do to get past all of this and get my life back?
I loved her more than anything. I will never have her and I don't want to live any more.
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