Did he ever love me?

Dated my ex boyfriend for almost 4 years. We were each others first for everything(23 now me). He was a good guy and he was a good boyfriend for about 2 years.

The first 1 year I didn't trust him because he was so social with girls and stuff I herd about him in high school. I did play little games like hang with my guy friends a lot and sometimes flirt. Looking back it was very childish but I never had bad intentions to cheat or anything. In almost 4 years I've broke up with him about 4 times.

The first 2 were mainly my insecurities and it lasted like a week, it hurt him a lot. The 3rd one was mainly me feeling unsure and confused and needing time off. We took a break for a few months and during that time I hanged with my guy and girl friends, went out lots and at one point hanged with a guy that liked me that I later found out was someone he didn't like from his past.

We got back together because I realized life wasn't the same without him and I needed him. 1 year after that I broke up with him again... I tried so hard not to... but I felt like he was taking me for granted or didn't love me the way he did before the 3rd break up.

He would go out more and do his activities with himself or guy friends. He would not seem very engaged anymore in our conversations and he didn't really take me out much. I go to school and work and I work till 9-pm and I transit home. Sometimes he stays at school till 8 or 10. Almost like he avoids leaving at the same time as me...to avoid driving me home, even though its on his way. I find that weird because I thought when someone loves you they would want you to be safe and not transit home at night in the dark if they can drive you.

When it came to the weekends which by the way we only hanged like once a week and sometimes saw each other at college at lunch and most of the time it was me calling him to meet up for lunch. Anyway sometimes on the weekends he made excuses like he has to study for upcoming exam or if we could stay in because low gas or money. I was very understanding since we are both broke college students. But For some reason he always made effort to go do his hobbies, like snowboarding. He always had time for those even if an exam was the next day. He always had money and gas for those things.

I broke up with him because for almost a year now I've been fighting with him over EVERYThing...i just became angry inside and picked at everything. I felt I loved him too much, more then he did. For so long he didn't get why I was always fighting with him. And I wanted to leave because I didn't want to get in his way.

About 5 months through I told him why I was angry and he still didn't make an effort, he thought I was over reacting and that he was making effort, So I broke it off months later. I still love him...and he says he does but we have been fighing for 4 weeks every time we talk. Neither can compromise. I was cold..and now he's cold. Did he ever love me? What are the chances we will get back?

** now when we fight he brings up past things that I did that were so hurtful like hanging with a guy that liked me that he didn't like. (during our break). Its got to the point where we aren't talking. And he won't admit is lack of effort.
I guess he might have loved me at one point...but I doubt he has the past yr...


Most Helpful Guy

  • I’d hate to be sweet, and to the point on this one, but it sounds like he’s getting tired of breaking up, getting back together all the time. It sounds like from what has happened through the years is absolutely nothing. You two would get back together, and then break up. It doesn’t sound like you two looked at what the core problems where.

    So nitpicking through your letter a little. It sounds like there’s a lot of inconsistency’s within the relationship itself. You’ve got a lot of trust issues, and a lot of insecurities. You seem to be more confused on a regular basis, because of some of those trust issues you have. It also looks like from what you’ve said, it’s not a secure relationship. You seem to want some grounding, something secure. And you have the right to that, but you’ve also have to work out those problems each time you go through an obstacle. It’s not about breaking up all the time. Sometimes people in general need to stay together, and work out there problems. Rather than running away, then believing things will be alright after awhile. And sometimes that's the case, but from what you said at the end. It sounds like you two where holding stuff in, and now it's coming out within nitpicking every part that's bad with each other.

    So Just like the other comment said… “the best way we can go about things without getting hurt is to compromise.” So I do agree with that… but in away it’s not about compromising, but working on each situation that comes up, rather than running away from it.

    And to answer your questions... Did he love you.. I think he did, and still does, but there has to be some things to be worked out. And the chances of getting back together depends on how much work you want to put into fixing those problems you two have, and coming to some form of compromise in a sense...

    Hope things work out... Much Love

    • I feel like...even if we did talk about working it out...its humilating to try...I've hurt him so much by breaking up...4 times and each time is family and friends saw him go through it. I don't know How I could put a foot back into his house again and face his fam and friends. His friend even told me I should stop contacting him,...'its for the best' when I asked him to tell him to stop contacting me! cause he's been cursing at me.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 5

  • i think he loved you at one point, but has lost trust in you little by little with every break up, the 1st breakup being the most trust lost.. no pun intended but judging from your actions it seems like what you had for him was attachment, not love.. if you really loved him I don't think you would've done some of the [petty even] things you did, like flirting w other guys.. it seems u've realized that he once loved you but maybe not anymore.. my suggestion from here on is to just take it for what it was, and learn from it.. and figure out a way to overcome the trust issue.. hope this helps..

    • What if he starts contacting me again...just to see how I am and chat a little. Does this mean he wants me back...or does he just miss me. I feel like talking to him now is false hope and hurtful ...if he doesn't want me back, cause he's had enough. Thanks for all your advice...I can see I took break ups too lightly...I never thought he would stop wanting me back. My intentions were to just show him how serious I was not to end it forever.

    • If he contacts you to chat a bit, thinking anything beyond a chat, is already pushing it on over analyzing it.. it's "a simple chat".. I mean the guy loved you at one point, it's natural to still care for your well being but NOT anything more.. sorry but that's just the way I see it..

  • There comes a point in every relationship where there is just too much water under the bridge. Too much has happened, as ivan5252 said he has lost trust in you and in the relationship because you have broken it off so many times. That would wear anyone down to the point where they just say enough is enough. I'm sure he is fed up and he is definitely angry at you since he keeps bringing up the past.

    Im sure he did love you before, maybe he still does now but I'm guessing the breakups have taken their toll and he is expecting the same thing to happen again so he is sort of giving up and I don't blame him.

    • Agreed =X once love is gone (especially with men), it can never come back...

  • if it was 4 years together then there was a point when you loved each other, but I know from experiance that you just can't go back. once the relationship broke doen the first time all the trust and bond was gone. you were walking on glass at that point...

  • yeah he did. you were always the one to break it off

  • he def. loved you! end of story you don't stay devoted to someone for that long w/o loving them.

    Chances of you getting back really seem up to you. You have broken up with him so much that he feels you will come back no matter what. (Its how I felt about my girlfriend until about 6 months ago) She started hangin out with friends guys and girls also and she now even likes a guy that I can't even stand ( I knew he was trouble from the second I saw him) anyways were both being cold to each other after fighting a lot...i told her that I love her still and I miss her still and she tells me she still loves me but she isn't in love w me right now...

    I'm waiting and I'm hopin she sees the same things you saw that life just isn't the same w/o me even if she does have fun I hope she feels like she is missing something also. The reason I say it is up to you is because you have to show him your not always going to be around and show him that you are something that is valuable. You might have to make more compromises at first than he does but let him know he needs to make changes as well and that he needs to cherish you and maybe things will change for you. I wish I was in your situation I miss my girl a lot she's my Jenny (Forrest Gump) I just know she is my baby, don't let your love get away from you no matter how hard you have to fight...stay strong everything will work itself out.


What Girls Said 5

  • Sounds like you two were just going through the motions...just being together for namesake.

    He may have loved you at one time, but guys don't fall as quickly as girls and if they ever did fall, you can't get rid of them.

    It doesn't sound like he's pursuing you at all, so it is what it is...Not into you maybe? He may even be seeing someone else and telling you that he's participating in some activity. You should just leave him alone to see if he notices. Cut off all contact with him and disappear, don't return phone calls, text messages or emails...stay off of Facebook, MySpace, and twitter so that he doesn't know what happened. Also sleep over at a girlfriends. If he doesn't contact you...he doesn't care at all...he should be going crazy by the time you return his calls.

    Either way, I think you should just move on. I think your relationship has been over for a while but it's just taking you some time to come to terms. Sorry, it's probably not what you want to hear but it should provide you with a different view. Plus, who wants to argue all the time anyway? KRL

  • I don't know why you say it was mostly you & your insecurities, the the one example you give of stuff that you did that HURT him, was him being mad at you because you hung out with a guy.. That is his insecurities.

    All the times you blame yourself you mention being hurt or not trusting him, There is no such thing as ONE person in a relationship - that is a problem in a relationship.

    Sunds like it was pretty miserable & you guys should have been friends or acquaintances because he could not give you what you needed.

    I do lt know what your definition of love is, but I suppose three are varying degrees.

    The fact that he stayed with you I am sure indicates he believes he loves you BUT is that love that YOU need- I don't know..

    If you can do other things you should be better soon.. I would not worry about if he loved you, but how loved you feel ONW, otherwise you will hurt yourself again the past & now..

    You have a responsibility not to keep yourself I hurtful relationships, if you can recognize it hurts than you are that much closer to taking car the way you should.

    Look after yourself, take care.

  • maybe at no time but sorry I don't think anymore -

  • Um, yes, if you kept breaking up with him and that dude kept coming back for 4 years than obviviously, yes, he loved you. No one would stay with anyone they didn't love for that long. That's a big D-U-H. You're in college, you should know this by now. I'm in high school and even I know that.

  • i'm going to tell you what people told me that you couldn't have stayed with each other for that long if there was no love. The chances of you two getting back? that, no one can predict. only time can tell. You actually remind me so much of myself because I used to break up a lot with my ex for almost similar reasons. I actually felt justified with my reasons because he had two gfs before me who dumped him and I was able to see why they dumped him. In 2-3 of the breakups he begged for me back and the rest I just went back to him because the breakup was too painful. I just told him my reasons and we worked on it together. Maybe you can try doing that? I did got tired of breaking up because it only hurt the both of us (as I am sure the both of you are feeling right now too) and figured that the best way we can go about things without getting hurt is to compromise. Things between us got better. He did his best to make me happy and I did the same thing for him. If there are things that made us unhappy/angry, we tell each other and we work on it. If we can't work on it then we just let it go, forgive each other and accept the other person as they are. It worked for 7 years so him dumping me recently is somewhat unexpected. All I'm really saying is that we all need to grow up/mature...if you two really love each other, learn how to work through each other's inadequateness.

    • Wow...how did yu deal with his family and friends? I feel like I can't see them again if we even thought about getting back. They've seen me hurt him so much ...they probably hate me.

    • Nothing really...as far as I know they all like me. It really does't matter what their opinion about you though...what's important is the two of you. You should be more worried about what his thinking than other people.

    • I agree, if you do get back together, his family will be ok, alittle aqward at first but that will pass, I got in a really bad fight wiht my boyfriend and when we got back together, I dreaded seeing his family but it all turned out.

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