My husband and I choose to live on one income and now everyone thinks they can give their thoughts on our decision?

I don't make a ton of money but I make enough that I'm able to cover our expenses and allow us to save a good part of my income as well.

My my husband and I are starting a family and we decided that it would be best if he stayed at home with our future kids until they're at least old enough to start school. He won't work 9-5 but he will do contract work on the side and earn a small amount when he can. Probably no more than a couple thousand a year.

The problem is all of our family and friends have an opinion on our decision and they're all negative. We didn't ask them for their thoughts and we don't care. But it's really starting to get to me. How can I best respond to someone who disagrees with our choice?

I feel like if the gender was reversed and I was the stay at home parent instead, no one would blink an eye

Updates:
Thanks for all the advice!

Just to clarify the situation and answer some of your questions, we are currently 6 months pregnant with baby #1 and we both want more than one child.

I'm making over 6 figures doing a job I actually really like. I love my work and my coworkers and there's almost never any overtime. If I ever were to lose my job, I could easily find another one that pays the same if not more than my current position. And if you're curious I'm a programmer
It just makes sense to us financially that's he stays at home with the babies until they're old enough. The cost of day care would make it pointless for him to work. With his industry, there was a lot of traveling and overtime work and he made less than half of work I do. His salary would probably cover day care and there wouldn't be anything left over from that.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • you can do what you feel is right and tell them that that was ur choice. however, just to understand where their opinion is coming from, more details are needed:

    - why is he staying home (there s nothing wrong with that, just need to understand).
    is it coz your field makes more money, coz u are currently employed and not him, you can find a job more easily due to experience, or just a simple choice with no major reason...

    and what is their negative input about? just gender based or do they have some other concerns? were they against the marriage alltogether due to education/work/financial situation? do they usually have a positive attitude towards you or just nag at everything? are you in a country that has standards for gender and work?

    i peraonally would understand if they are suggesting both of u should work to make a better living, however if its just about gender and who takes which role, in times where equality should now be a standard, this shouldn't be an issue anymore. im sure he ll have a lot of value to give for the children, and thats not an easy role to fill. all the best

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    • with ur updates id say do it and explain what u wrote here to them. if they still dont get it its their problem. u made a logical decision.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Congrats on the baby! And good on you for making so much money that he can stay home with the baby.
    I think the only thing you can do in this case is to keep defending yourself. Say that:
    - You earn more than enough to live comfortably
    - Your husband is happy with the arrangement, and so are you
    - If something were to happen, your husband can still start working and you can figure something else out
    - You're not willing to have the same discussion over and over, and you will not keep listening to their negative opinions since they're neither objective nor constructive

    Make it a point to stop the conversation before it even starts. Shoot it down. And if they won't listen, remove yourself from the situation without saying anything. They can't keep fighting with you if you keep shooting them down. At some point, hopefully, they will realize that you want to do this and that it's your choice. Might seem a little bit childish to ignore them or deny having the conversations, but if they won't listen then why should you? Especially when it's none of their business? By responding and reacting to them trying to fight, you're basically just feeding into it. At some point you just have to stop those conversations from even happening.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 22

  • Fuck them. Gender roles are stupid. They're your family, but so long as he isn't doing it to be lazy it's not like he isn't doing something women did for thousands of years, which didn't cause people to lose respect for them. That being said, maybe he could try writing a book or something (or just saying he does) so when people ask about it you can be like "oh he's writing a book right now.". The other option is to tell people it's none of their business.

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  • Tell them you don't need advice on how to fix something that isn't broken. If both of you are happy with the way things are between you two, then don't listen to others.

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  • Say "I appreciate your interest. I'm sorry, but this is a personal decision my husband and I made together about what was best for our family and that's all there is to it."

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  • You should always do what works for you both. If that situation works for you then who the hell are they to intrude on your life? You're creating a life together and last time I checked they aren't sharing that position with you both. It's your business.

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  • You should tell them to mind their business. It's best to show them you have a backbone and you didn't ask for their opinions.

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  • Nothing wrong with that at all.

    Not for me because I enjoy nice things and I feel you can raise children properly while still earning a decent wage, especially with cloud computing and he internet these days.

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  • If you have thought that much and taken the decision then it is great. Well people will give opinions no matter what. Unless they give strong examples which might affect your judgement, just don't bother. We live in a judgmental world, so it's OK. All you have to do it to give a smile and tell them that you'll think about it. Or you can tell them that you are trying it for a couple of months and you both will come to a decision in the mean time. Don't take people so seriously they don't know how you both have come to this conclusion.. they don't know what made you make this decision. So, keep your cool and do what you both like. After all this is your life.

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  • Time to go no contact mode if they can't deal with it. It will work πŸ‘
    It will make them think twice before invading your way of living in your marriage.
    Don't ask, don't tell.
    Start to gradually tell them less and less. It will get to them. Or it won't but at least you're going to live in sweet silence and peace ✌

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    • You're a programmer and make 6 figures?
      I'm so doomed.
      I have a similar job and i don't even make in a year what you make in a month 😭😭😭
      I hate this country. I want to move asap.

  • Just ignore them The only concern is that a woman who makes more money than a man is more likely to get divorce.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fkkR9JpJTw

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  • i know they are judging, but money comes in handy in situations,
    you shouldn't go with this plan, if you don't have a 1 Million stacked up somewhere secure, like a safety net.

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  • Just tell them you're happy with the decision and if they continue harpoing on the subject then they don't get to see you or the baby. (guaranteed to be effective on grandma and grandpa lol)

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  • It's not wrong for them to voice their opinion on the subject like once but when the matter is closed to keep droning on negatively about it as if they have a say or can influence the choices you both have made is beyond ridiculous. You guys have a plan and it's a good plan everyone else should fuck off.
    Personally I couldn't be a stay at home dad.

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  • do what you feel is right , but me personally as a guy i can't imagine staying at home while i let my wife work it just doesn't work for me no matter how much money i make or she makes, the fact that iam staying at home will make me feel like a loser who can't take care of his family, and iam sure most women will even look down on such men, at least all women i know do, a man who doesn't work loses manly points to most women... plus most men just can't rely on their wives were wired like that

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  • His friends will lose respect for him. I am sorry but that's how things are. We have a very similar situation in my group of friends and one dude did just that. No one really respects him any more.

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  • Fuck what everyone else thinks

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  • We are financially secure and have no debt. My wife and I have periodically taken 1 to 2 year sabbaticals from work for education purposes. Because of the way we live our lives and have several homes paid for we were able to live off one salary.

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  • Tbh its kinda humiliating for the male to stay at home.
    So if you want to respond well to your friends/family judgement, you gonna have to explain them what this desicion was based on and make a good point and if you can't, then maybe your desicion does kinda stink and deserves their review

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    • It's only humiliating if you subscribe to 1950s style gender roles, which I sincerely hope you do not.

    • Oh yeah, how humiliating for a FATHER to take care of his own CHILD. Jesus.

    • Not that. the humiliating part comes when you're having a dinner with friends and turns out the father makes exactly enough to provide his baby with diapers and nothing more so he has no choice but to stay at home and be the mother.

  • Who's "everyone"? ... get off the social media bs and just live your life however you feel is best... who cares what people think... when "everyone" points a finger at you all they're doing is pointing 3 back at themselfs...

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  • Nothing wrong with having a kept spouse

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  • Tell em to suck eggs

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  • By telling them that they are no Bill Gates either

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  • my mom and dad live on essentially one income. my mom doesn't make a whole lot, because of the profession she's in, and the hours she puts at her other jobs. my dad's currently unemployed, and so am i. we're in dire straights right now

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What Girls Said 9

  • Be blunt.. honestly... say something like..."when I want your opinion ill ask for it, until I ask for it.. I haven't asked". That'll put a quick end to it.

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  • I'd bluntly put it back on them. That their opinion wasn't asked for and until it is they can keep it to themselves or stop coming around. There is no need to be kind about it if they didn't accept your answer the first time.

    I can kind of understand their questions though... until a baby actually arrives what's the need to be off work now? What if it takes you longer than expected to fall pregnant? There is a lot of money there that could be saved to help make parenthood easier when it does happen so it just doesn't quite make sense to me sorry?
    Regardless, your choice. No one needs to understand your reasons but you 😊

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  • I'm sorry but if you're making 6 figures you are fine. From my area? 25k is high.

    My parents got the house they live in now, owned, for 2500.

    Me and the two friends I live with make probably around 45k collectively.

    To hell with the naysayers. 40 hours a week, making 6 figures. that's a dream for me. I've worked 50 hours the past week, I have university 2 days a week, one of the days I worked this week, I worked 15+ hours alone. I might be lucky if I make 400$ after taxes this week. I work fast food and the job is hell. It's hard on the body. My feet/back always hurt.

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  • Just say "hey if it doesn't work, I'll simply go back to work! Problem solved! Suck a duck birches!!"

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    • Or ask who wants to care for the children for free for you guys. Or pay for childcare. Not their life, not their problem. Wow. What a new concept. Lol

  • Sounds like you have a great plan. Trust me, once you have that kid people will be full of opinions that rarely jive with yours. I have 2 and for the most part, people learned early on that they are welcome to voice their opinions about what I was doing but I was freely responding in any manner that I saw fit and they weren't always gonna like it. Don't defend your actions. Just say 'this is what we're doing, it's not up for discussion. Pass the canapΓ©s please'

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  • Tell them it's not their problem so BACK THE FUCK OFF. You and your love can do and live however you want. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't!!!

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  • Well he's clearly an emasculated little bitch who lets you wear the pants.

    Sorry you're married to such a pussy who can't provide for his own family.

    Pretty much a failure of a man.

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    • It's 2017 they can live however the fuck they want

  • Of course they are. You are being used by a lazy man who couldn't provide for you to begin with. They know where this will wind up when it's all said and done. Gain some self respect and make him get a job. You don't even have kids yet. He has zero excuse to be home sitting on his ass. ALL of your family and friends are "negative" about it because they feel sad and embarrassed for you. I would be ashamed if my husband never grew up and was that lazy

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    • Im sorry to sound harsh, but you are blinded by your emotions to the point you can't see reality. They are trying to get you to wake up

    • Sorry to sound harsh, but... you're a bitch πŸ˜‚ he doesn't have to work and provide. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ it's 2017 anyone can do anything

    • @waited going by this and your answer, your maturity level hasn't gotten past that of a 10 year old. You have no clue about how life works. Move on and stop shaming your parents by opening your mouth and spewing incompetent garbage.

  • Why can't you stay at home and let him to work? Or both of you can work or start a small family business together? If you both are really happy with your decision then don't bother about the society because at the end of the day your happiness matters it's not in others pockets. You can't shut the society

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