Did he really love me?

I met a guy about a year ago and a half ago and we hit it off from the get go. We became really good friends. We were both married. My marriage was horrible, married to a man who verbally and emotionally abused me and was a control freak. My friend and I could tell there was a mutual attraction and we talked about it and that we should be careful about how much time we spent together and what we talked about. We ended up kissing and we decided that we should back away from each other, which we did. What he didn't know was that I had fallen in love with him, but I never had any intention of telling him because what would be the point? We were both married. I ended up filing for divorce, not because of him, but because my marriage was so horrible and I moved out of my house. I still had no intention of telling my friend I was in love with him and we kept our distance, but two months after I moved out, I got a text message from him at 4:30 in the morning telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he was in love with me. Three days later we ended up making love. Before we did I told him that he needed to be careful with me and not to make love to me unless he really loved me because my heart was very fragile. He assured me that he loved me, but had no intention of leaving his wife and I was fine with that. Afterward, we both felt really guilty about sleeping together. Three days later I asked him if he loved me and he said yes. I asked him if he was in love with me and he said, no...he was in love with his wife. We decided to just be friends. We still hung out together after that, but didn't become physically involved again. But he would look into my eyes sometimes like he was lost in them. He took me to one of his favorite places and also showed me around his home town. Before I left to go home one day, he hugged me so tight and so long. That was the last time I saw him. His wife found out we were hanging out together and she was understandably angry. She does not know we made love. We decided to end out friendship because he didn't want his marriage to end and his wife actually threatened him with physical violence. When we last spoke I asked him if he loved me and he said "I like you, but I love my wife." We agreed to not speak to each other anymore for the sake of his marriage. We ended our conversation amicably and talked about other things and it was easy, just the way things always were between us...easy and comfortable. Then I had a little trauma during my divorce and needed him and I sent him an instant message on Facebook. He immediately blocked me from Facebook. It felt like I'd been stabbed through the heart. I am so confused and hurt because he told me he loved me and then said he didn't but went out of his way to take me to his favorite place and hug me so tight and long when we said goodbye. Do you think he really does love me but knows it's futile so he has to cut all ties with me? Was I a game of did he love me?


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  • Men get into affairs for all kinds of reasons - most of them very self centered ones. They may be feelin a little unloved at home or insecure, they may be craving their youth, or playing games with thier wife/partner. And sometimes they allow a fantasy or flirtation to go too far.

    Whatever the reason, when this man chose to sleep with you he made it very clear from the start that you weren't worth breaking up his marriage for. That's not love. He may have desired you, may have shown interst in you ,even compassion for your situation but he didn't love you - otherwise he would have left his wife and started a life with you.

    perhaps this man is not a perpetual adulterer -maybe he felt guilty for the way he behaved to both you and his wife. Perhaps that explains how he tried to "let you down gently" by being kind to you. But ultimately this man treated you no differently than your ex husband did. He used you for his own ends.

    I know that all of the above seems brutal maybe even unkind. I am sure you would rather think of your "friend" as misunderstood or torn by circumstances. But the truth is he was a married man who committed adultary with you KNOWING he was never going to leave his wife. He knew how vulnerable you were at that time and used it to his own advantage and now he doesn't want the consequences of his actions to leak into his home life so he has cut the cord.

    It sounds as though life has been pretty tough already but I would put this man in the same emotional place as your marriage and move on. Just like your abusive husband this guy can bring no joy or fulfillment to your life and more likely a whole heap more pain.

    Allow yourself to be angry ,even hurt if you must then decide not to waste any more energy on him - he really isn't worth it.

    Be gentle to yourself and hopefully your next relationship will be an equal partnership where your guy loves and respects you as you deserve.

    • Thank you, Caili for responding. What you said makes a lot of sense. It really does hurt to think that he never really loved me, but seeing it from that perspective will make it a whole lot easier to get over him. I feel kind of stupid for believing him, but I guess it's just experience gained. Thanks again for your comment. Shannyn