He doesn't want to commit to me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either.

Ok I met Preston 4 and 1/2 years ago. Amazingly enough we had met 16 years previously. A son was born out of that. AND that's another story. Anyways in the past 4 and 1/2 years our relationship has been one roller coaster after another. He gets close than he pulls away. At first I thought it was me...But I realize there is something going on in his head that I just can't figure out.

This past summer in June he wanted to take a break. I was like fine. Its not going anywhere so I was perfectly OK with it. We still talked everyday. But saw very very little of each other. Another male friend asked me to come visit him at his motel that he runs for a week. I was like great I need to get away. When Preston found out about it, he got really upset. I was like we are not together ,you said it yourself. You tell me to go and meet people and do my own thing. So here I am and now your p*ssed? WTF?

When I got back we saw each other the next day. He was a little drunk and told me he missed me and was prepared to marry me. Actually asked me. Well that fell away after a few weeks. I was like here we go again. I actually broke it off and changed my phone number. I ended up calling him after a few days and met him because I had some things of his I needed to give him. He apologized and said the thought of me being with some other guy really devastated him. And that's why he went so far to tell me he would marry me even though he didn't mean it. We have kinda been seeing each other again. But I made it clear I need a commitment from him. It doesn't mean getting married. But it does mean we possibly look into moving in with each other and build a life together. I know I am the only one he sleeps with. We are always completely honest if we do sleep with someone else. Which is him. That hasn't happened in over a year. Now when I mentioned to him the commitment thing. He got all I don't know if I can. Its like he doesn't want to commit to me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. Cause ever time he pulls away. I get like fine and I start doing my own thing meeting other guys for coffee and then he pulls me back in. I am getting tired of this. His latest thing is he's doing a cost benefit analysis of being committed to me . I have pretty much done my own and its not with him. But he tells me he loves me and I'm his best friend. So wtf?


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  • Wow, I feel you! I don't know what to tell you... He has a commitment phobia which is pretty common, the best thing to do is to keep going with the flow, untill he realizes what he really wants to do...

    You can't pressure him into committing to you, I guess it will happen when he can, but what I do not understand is how long has been this going? If it has been going for 4 years it means you gave him all the time that he needs... You need to move forward in the relationship and it doesn't have to have a ring.

    The best thing to do is to have a talk with him and see what happens, then you could reverse it and push yourself away and see what he does... If he flips out once you start seeing other men, tell him what is your deal when I have been here for 4 years and you still won't decide whether you want to stay or go...make a choice and stick to it.

    Thats what I would do I guess but see what others have to say about this, as I haven't been successful in my relationships and dealing with a commitment phobe at this moment as well.

  • tell him he has no right to control your life and tell you what to do.

    you do as you please, you're your own person.

    and besides, he seems to be driving you nuts by not committing...

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