What have you learned from loneliness?

There seems to be a kind of loneliness epidemic going on. I read a lot about people who want to find a partner, want to have a fulfilling and lasting relationship, but for some reason can't. And as a result are forced to be lonely for extended periods of time.

Have you ever been lonely? For how long? Why do you think you had to experience this? And, most importantly, what have you learned from this experience?What have you learned from loneliness?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I've been single for five years. I wasn't lonely all throughout the years but at times, sometimes frequent and sometimes not, a deep sense of loneliness and sadness would hit me. Usually right before bed or when I see a bond I don't have. One of the reasons I don't like romance shows is because of this. Because after watching them, they leave me yearning for something I don't have. The reason why I feel like this is maybe because, I went through something bad before and it made it hard for me to trust people. I have close childhood friends that you can count on one hand, they're dependable and understanding but I have never been the type of person who is expressive. I don't know how to be. So because of that, I tend to feel lonely with all these thoughts. People always told me, "I wish I could be you. You lasted so long without a partner." I get asked a lot, "Aren't you lonely?" And because of my pride, I always answered, "No. I'm used to this." But despite feeling that horrible loneliness in my heart, I learned a lot about myself. I started observing. And witnessing the problems, headaches and heartaches of people with partners around me, I told myself so many times, "I'm so lucky to be alone." Being lonely, sometimes allows you to hear what's not being said. The small actions of people, the change in someone's vibe etc. I think being lonely makes you more aware. There are more things to say but I think I should just end this long ass paragraph here.

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    • 6d

      Long is good. Thanks!

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    • 4d

      @cth96190 that does help sometimes, but not by much. Although I do sleep a lot too. Do you sleep with lots of pillows? Hugging my pillows helps too.

    • 2d

      I may have accidentally misconstrued how I interact with strangers. I actually don't like approaching others, but i find it to be easier if I have a reason to talk to someone. I suppose the sense of loneliness and longing for something/someone that's just out of reach never really goes away. Perhaps it's an unconscious desire to seek out the unknown and uncover unimaginable mysteries.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Loneliness I believe has nothing to do with “being alone” or seclusion, as often people in very crowded cities, with roommates, etc say it is “lonely.” So it really isn’t about being alone, what it is, is two intersection feelings about oneself, that meet together (1) is self-loathing, doubting yourself or feeling “not good enough” or dwelling on things not going as planned let’s say and (2) the desire to feeling wanted, appreciated and loved.
    When those two come together, run concurrently, or intersect in some way, which usually happen when you are alone thinking by coincidence, then you feel lonely. If you don’t want to feel lonely, you can work on either of those, work on being content, less critical of yourself and compassionate to yourself, as far as feeling wanted, you have to fix 1 first, then you appreciate others first, then it comes back around

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    • 5d

      Very nice analysis!

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    • 4d

      Not sure where it comes from, I think what seems to be required is a good sleep pattern, diet and exercise. Aside from that, it is attitude and a general positive outlook on life where stress has been managed. There is also a domino effect, the more I sense girls are into me, the more I have good experiences with girls, physically and/or just a general chemistry, it creates momentum. I think what is more important, than understanding what it tasks to get that momentum, is understanding what is preventing it from getting off the ground, which is basically self loathing, depression, unhealthy habits, bad sleep, lack of exercise and especially not taking risks and engaging with people

    • 4d

      You have to be able to become selfless to some degree, not self-protective, avoid being cynical or being a casual observer, or skeptical, as it is so easy to get stuck in that headspace, ultimately what it does is gets you into a rut, then you simply look for evidence and reasons why you are in that situation... like I gained some weight and thought, since I did, that is why girls aren’t into me, but what I was doing was having a bad attitude and not engaging and just thinking of myself. Girls aren’t interested in guys who are just thinking of themselves, they want to be noticed, admired and appreciated, and to feel sexy by your efforts, to be able to do that, you have to become selfless and looking outwards, not inwards

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What Girls Said 22

  • Loneliness is awful. I have clients who rush into all sorts of ridiculous, pointless or harmful relationships because they do not value themselves or have confidence and are too quick to jump in and trust just anyone with just anything. Loneliness can make you so miserable you are desperate to mistake any sort of interest for someone liking you or loving you even if they only want to use you - maybe for sex or money. It takes away all common sense and reason.

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    • 5d

      Are you a relationship councillor? How do your clients overcome the situations you describe?

  • Being lonely has taught me to never depend on someone else. If I can't pay for a date, I don't go. I rarely ask for help. I save my own money. It would be nice to have someone here for me emotionally, but my best friend is pretty good at that lol.

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  • I would rather be alone that be in a bad relationship and so far am happy with my life alone its peaceful no headaches
    But saying it's like a loneliness epidemic I think it's all in their head they think too much about it plus you can't depend on others to make you happy

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  • My unsocial personality make me feel lonely for along time even when I'm with my friends I still have that kind of feelings but when I'm alone I started learning a lot of things about myself I see others mistakes and stay away from it learn how to control my reactions when people are waiting me to fail.,.

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  • I learned that it's only as bad as you make it up to be in your head. I learned total happiness and independence alone, and it made being with someone so much easier because I didn't depend on them for my happiness.

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  • I’ve always been lonely, ever since 8 grade when all my friends just drifted off to other people and I was left alone and my family always ignoring me. I’ve grown to love being alone and when I’m with people for too long, I get pissy cos I wanna be alone.

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  • I'm lonely. I have a boyfriend and we've been together for 5 months now but i only see him once a week becsuse of our different circumstances. It's hard and the days i don't see him i am extremely lonely.

    I'm learning how to fond joy in my loneliness though, and it's hard...

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  • being truly lonely taught me the consequences of constantly pushing people away. i thought that was what i wanted, until i found myself stuck in that rut of isolation, and it kind of woke me up in a sense aha

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  • I learned and still learning who I am as a person and what makes me me and also to express myself and my feelings

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  • One is the loneliest number in the world...

    Anyhow the reason people are lonely is because they don't love themselves, you can't love or be lived if you don't love yourself, also you need to be comfortable being alone. Lastly, never count on another human being to make you happy, you have to do that yourself... You shouldn't need a SO to not feel alone. I'm a people person but I can enjoy my alone time, love living alone, I go months without a romantic relationship and never feel alone, that is because I'm comfortable with myself, I have an abundance of people in my life who love me and I love myself... Don't count on one individual to complete you or make you feel less alone...

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  • I HAVE Learned not to have expectations and that we all come into this world alone anecdote exit this world alone unfortunately.

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  • I learned that is not too bad and that I really know what to do with myself

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  • 😓😰😭

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  • My own worth

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  • Many

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  • I have learned from being lonely for a long period of time is; everyone will leave one day

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  • That I’m better off this way

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  • I learned that I'm totally ok being alone. I had tons of hobbies and free time to connect to many people.
    I enjoy my own company and always wish to have more free time. Relationship tied me a bit but it's not good or bad just different

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  • It can certainly be painful at times, but I realize I have a quiet personality so that's the reality of it. I know it's a lot worse for the guys. Unless they're total extroverts, they usually get ignored even worse than we do.

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  • That it’s nobody’s problem but my own. Men can hate women for their problems (see blue responses). But at the end of the day, none of us are entitled to anything.

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    • 4d

      Save for some examples, men's responses are not that differen from woman's. I think women are better at hiding how they feel, even online.

  • It is the best thing ever

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  • How to enjoy my own company

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What Guys Said 41

  • Like most, I have. For quite a long time. I learned that I get hung up on people that I shouldn't. I've been pretty good at improving myself and my life and I'm making real progress emotionally too, but right now I'm getting my just reward for thinking I could control my life. I had the arrogance to think I could reason myself out of love.

    I met a girl, and I made the decision that I wasn't ready for something like that yet. So I resisted and resisted, thinking that if I could just get my life in order I could go for it without hesitation. Someone else was inevitably faced with the same choice and decided he was ready. And now that perfect smile of hers not only makes my day but breaks my heart.

    I learned that you don't get to decide the order of events in your life. You think I'll graduate, and then I'll get a job, a car, an apartment, a girlfriend, a wife, a house, a kid, etc etc - but real life isn't like that. They're all curveballs, and at the end of the day you don't know how it's all going to play out. And if you can't accept that you reap the consequences.

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    • 5d

      There'll be others. Don't eat yourself up about it.

    • 5d

      I know there will be. But that doesn't mean it stops hurting now. Time's the only cure, I know. Last time it lasted for quite a while, so I'm prepared to be dealing with this for some time. In the meantime I keep on doing what I've been doing - improving myself and moving forward

  • I'm lonely right now, have been for more or less my whole life, definitely since I was ten years old. It's because I'm short, effeminate and suffer from bipolar disorder. I've learned a lot from it though:

    For one thing, life isn't a fairy-tale and a lot of the things people say every day without thinking about it (e. g. "There's someone for everyone") is complete bull-shit. Human attraction for some is 100% biological fatalism.
    Since I will live my life alone, I had to learn a lot of skills and hobbies to entertain myself. I've traveled a lot of interesting places and done a lot of interesting things.
    Another is, I won't get everything I want no matter how hard I work, but I will have to work for everything I get. We don't live in a naturally just or fair world; unlike most people, I realize we have to work for it.
    Third, I realize "bad people" and "crazy people" probably just got caught in a cycle. Loneliness and chronic emotional distress cause you to lose your mind. I hope it doesn't happen to me, but considering I'm half-way there already, I can reasonably expect that my life will end by my own hand.
    Finally, I realized people won't really ever have empathy for you, unless they're trying to get in your good graces or they have nothing to gain by minimizing you and your problems. Just by virtue of me being a man who is lonely, someone is going to see this and think of me as "entitled", "whiney" and all manner of bad traits that they can staple to me.

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    • 4d

      Some of the replies to this question might help you feel more optimistic. Have you red any of them?

    • 4d

      I assume most of those people have families. They take their friends and families and mental health for granted. They don't know what real loneliness is.

  • I've learnt that being single doesn't necessarily mean being lonely, as I've got a good group of close friends. However, I do sometimes miss not having a partner, those intimate moments and being able to share you life with someone special. Having been single most of my life I've learnt to appreciate time to myself and my own space and the independence that comes with this.

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  • I like to think lonliness is what's shaped me into the person I am and want to be. I didn't have a family growing up aside from my mom who worked 3 jobs and an abusive step dad, we lived in the country with no one around, and I never really had friends at school. Instead of letting it all beat me down though, I used it to find what I really want out of my life and use it to motivate myself through school, and getting to the gym everyday, or assurance that I am making a difference at work. In the end, I think it's made me a confident and compassionate person, but I don't think everyone has been as lucky as me to grow from it either.

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  • I'm feeling it right now. I recently moved from my hometown and I'm feeling a bit isolated as I don't really have any friends here (I only have a couple of close friends as it is). I don't get much interaction at work either and being quite a shy person by nature makes it harder for me to talk to people. I think this is the main reason I am feeling pretty down at the moment but I don't want to throw a pity party.

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  • I been almost always alone, simply cannot find a women with interesting mind and still free, 31years newer in relationship, I simply suffer this due combination high IQ and choosing more logical choices instead emotional ones, I learn that good book is better than company of other human beings atlleast 99,99%of them

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    • 6d

      Still, allowing emotions to take over once in a while can grow you as a person. And relationships even more so, don't you think?

    • 6d

      I disagree

    • 6d

      You're a unique one.

  • I learnt that not to give your full to the one person cause there is a possibility that she may leave me. The reason why every single left cause I trusted them and ignored all the bad signals which could lead to bad for my relation

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  • I've learned not to rush things and just try to remember everyday is a new day. Some better or worse than other days

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  • I really enjoy being alone, but being lonely is the worst feeling I've every experienced and it seems to be my general emotion anymore. As for what I've learned, I guess I've learned to just tough it out

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  • I am responsible for my emotions... help others and the loneliness goes away

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  • I learned that majority of the women that I tried to date were retarded and I was retarded to pursue them, commit suicide for them, and make my life highly revolved around them.

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    • 5d

      Wait you comitted suicide?
      But... what... how... oh my god... are you...
      *screams*
      *flee like a girl in front of a mouse"

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    • 5d

      @SpiderBro

      I can do it too

      I don't know what "YOu"is?

      Do you mean "You"?

      What universe are you from?

    • 5d

      @SpiderBro Triggered, well aren't you the hypocrite for trying to correct my opinion.

      Otherwise, you wouldn't have responded in the first place and I wouldn't have to deal with a person seemingly take someone suicide efforts and make it into a joke.

  • Sounds great initially and in short bursts; horrible when long-lasting

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  • I learned that people who are in a relationship have very little time to spare to educate themselves on any subject while loneliness leaves you with thousands of hours you can put to use learning about several fields of knowledge.
    Been lonely (romantically) at most for a period of 5 years, but overall in life, since I left my country for work, then worked, then went back 10 years later... I'd say I have been lonely for about 15 years... but maybe I should discount the last 2 years because I was in a relationship... but barely seeing anyone except my girlfriend.

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  • I can't trust anyone but myself to better who I am.

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  • I feel that if I don't have something to focus on/a purpose I fall into loneliness. The older I have become the more I have realized I'm a people person and must have people around more so than be on my own.

    Loneliness hit me today, however it's all because the last couple days I was juggling multiple convos and couldn't have been any happier. Today has been nothing but silence. So for me it really depends on the person and how they use the loneliness. My opinion on it is I absolutely hate it, but have learned to use it to focus on myself and what I can control.

    Hope that helps in some way!

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  • Honestly, from coming out of a long term relationship, I feared being on my own, but I really have come to embrace it!

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  • It allows you to be more productive if you don't allow it to effect you more. Whenever I have goals, my path to achieving it tends to be lonely.

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  • What I've learned is that I know I don't want to be alone but, life has a way of giving you what you don't want.

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  • That loneliness will never cheat on you or dissappoint you...

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  • i love it, i have so much time for myself, i can do whatever i want at anytime and any momment :)

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  • What I've learned is that i wanna die but i don't and it really fuckin sucks

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    • 4d

      That's a powerful emotion to get from loneliness. Says something about the severity of the problem.

  • To be alone does not mean you're bad , maybe it gets worse if you enter a relationship

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  • it is the best thing that i learned from loneliness
    nice picture by the way
    i like her legs ;DDDDD

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  • I have more fun by myself anyway.

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  • Is there anything to learn from loneliness?

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  • It's better to be homosexual than to be lonely

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  • To be strong

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  • Now i know More about myself

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  • That I like it more than people.

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  • What love is and who does.

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