Boyfriend lied about dating other girls and the trust feels ruined. Do I work through it or move on?

I met a fantastic guy via online dating. On the outside we are a perfect fit. We’ve met each other’s families and besides this have a great relationship.

However recently I found out that for about 2/3 months whilst dating me (1 month in), he was sleeping with another girl casually. I had spoken to him about where we stood during this time and whilst I understood he had moved down to a new city only four months before and wasn’t sure what he wanted, I was adamant that we should have mutual respect whilst dating and not involve anyone else. He and this girl stopped sleeping together and she met someone else who she moved in with after 3 months.

I can understand that he may have been unsure of what he wanted but towards the end of the year I realised that they were still hanging out. At the time I didn’t know about their past, but I do think that it was just as friends as she was with her new partner and they were moving into together. Also from what I could see from the texts this was the case.

However everytime I asked about her, he assured me that they had dated once and nothing had happened, but stayed friends. It all came out as I had to ask him to show me his phone, because I had a strong gut instinct of what was actually true. He had also referred to me as ‘one of the three’ to his friend as there was at one point another girl.

I understand it is a grey area, but it was completely disrepectful to me as it wasn’t exactly a one off first date. In addition to this he met up his ex from four years ago to discuss things with her as he still had issues he apparently needed to clear up regarding her cheating.

It’s a sad situation because we have the potential to be such an incredible match and he has changed his tune and is trying to fix everything. Sadly I’m just quite proud and it feels quite raw and is just eating me up.

Any advice?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Move on, if it was something he was embarrassed about from earlier in life and just wasn't talki ng about that is one thing. He was blatantly lying and seeing multiple girls at once intimately and from what your saying feels no remorse and is continuing to do so. I've known guys like that and they know not to send texts about such things, it is common sense. They would mock the girls they are dating behind their back or the girl (s) they are dating and shamelessly with flawless acting pretend innocence and some of the girls involved would even play along because they are shamed into playing along or just don't feel strongly about it.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Understand your hurt feelings. But after your initial discussion about having respect for your relationship and not seeing anyone else, he complied. He hasn't been with someone else. HE CHOSE YOU! Bad decision on his part is not to stop all comms with this other chick. Tell him that needs to stop and hopefully he will respect that. If he does that, LET IT GO!!! Guys, in the beginning do this all the time, dating multiple girls until they decide on the best for them. I hate it, but it happens all the time. What he has done AFTER CHOOSING YOU is what you need to judge him on. If he keeps contact with that chick still, then that is another issue to tackle. Good Luck!

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    • Oh, and he only lied most likely to keep you from being hurt.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 19

  • Will you ever be able to trust him 100% and not have any doubts about the truth of whatever he tells you?

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    • I think only time can tell!

    • Most people would answer "no" because, when trust becomes critically important, you will always think back on the time when your trust was betrayed.

  • He has to make some moves and stretch himself for you. You get his passwords. You get to go through his phone whenever you like. You get to grill and drill him about where he's been. He gets to give you his phone to go through. He gets to answer your questions. He gets to be GRATEFUL TO GOD, ALMIGHTY, that you are doing these things and be willing to kiss your feet that you are doing these things.

    He should have thought of all of that, himself, but little boys often don't.

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  • Sounds to me like he met you online and he is meeting others online. He may be dating more and he is doing what he got online for. I have to tell you that 2/3 months is not exactly a relationship. He is sleeping with you and wants more. He is seeing a lot of people. If he hasn't told you that you are the special person forever then he is doing what he got online for.
    Sorry but he will cheat on you again if it is cheating.

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  • You need to analyze everything up to this point and decide: was he lying to you? Or was there ambiguity and he handled it poorly and communicated poorly? If he lied, it's up to you how you handle that. You have to decide if there is enough trust around that one lie to forgive it. If it's the latter, you need to discuss where you both stand on this stuff and leave nothing unmentioned. No assumptions.

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  • Weigh up the pros and cons, thrn make your own choice. Live life by your rules within reason and wherever possible.

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  • He's already lying at the very beginning? Really? Please, you can do better than him, move on.

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  • Move on. He clearly is not all that interested. If he was all that interested he would of never had to continue sleeping with someone else.

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  • Ask him to tell the story in reverse. If he can't do it he is lying.

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  • Girl let me keep it real with you, MOVE THE FUCK ON!

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  • Leave him and move on. If there is no respect for feelings than u should never continue

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  • You have a right to be upset ONLY if he lied to you about it.

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  • Leave him.

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  • Move on. That's something he did wrong.

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  • Move on ASAP.

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  • Work through it if you're a complete idiot

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  • I say once a cheater always a cheater

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  • leave him

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  • be careful :) work through

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  • Move on

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What Girls Said 17

  • I know it is very easy for me to say but i would move on. You read that back and pretend this was your sister's dilemma - what would you advise her. Let me tell you how he will read your behaviour if you let him get away with this now. If she puts up with this, then she'll put up with anything. You are young and free now but if you carry on soon you will be married and pregnant/with kids. Do you want to bring a child into an unstable relationship where the husband has no respect for his wife and child. He seems the kind of man who will cheat on you while you are pregnant. The type to stray every time you are don't feel like it it or are tired. Get out early while you can still heal, don't let him destroy your self esteem and self respect. That 'one of three' comment should tell you everything. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. Leave with dignity and self respect. In fact, a man like that doesn't even deserve an an explanation. I may seem a bit harsh but what about what he's doing to you? Do you think he has stopped to think about how this would hurt you? Ge rid of him.

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  • If this guy is still referring to you as just a friend that's not good thing even worse if he made it seem like the girl who he was sleeping with was just a friend too and you found out the truth. Sounds like this guy is not being totally honest. I bet you are probably wondering how many of the other girls he calls his "friends" he is actually dating, I know that I would if it was me. When people are dating online it's a lot easier to date more than one person and some people who are considered to be "players" have the opportunity to use this platform to take advantage of the opportunity to date multiple men and women and not be honest about what they are doing and it can be dangerous for a person who has connected with one of these players and is sleeping with the person who is also having sex with multiple partners in secret. I am not saying that that is the case with this guy because only he knows for sure what he's doing. But, if you have caught him in a lie or using half truths maybe you should keep looking for a guy online to date exclusively if that's what makes you feel more comfortable. I don't think there's anything wrong with dating multiple people when you are meeting people online, but this doesn't mean you have to sleep with all of them, in fact when a person starts sleeping with one person that pretty much means that they are your boyfriend or girlfriend and the two of you really should be exclusive. People need to be honest and upfront when they are dating more than one person and if you meet another guy online and he claims to be dating more than one woman in order to find a girlfriend, don't be afraid to ask if he is sleeping with any of them.

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  • If you had only been seeing each other for a month had you had a clear discussion “this relationship is exclusive” and both agreed? Because the way it’s written is that it was very new and you had feelings on how it should be, but not that this was communicated and that he agreed with you. That’s where the grey area is to me.
    Regardless, you don’t seem to be the kind of person to be able to let this kind of thing go and unfortunately it festering just lets it grow bigger and remain an issue long term. Sometimes compatibility just isn’t there around this kind of thing and rather than trying to push each other to be people you’re not it’s better to learn from the experience and part ways to find more suitable matches

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    • By month two there was a discussion and in month 3 I made it extremely clear. At the time he wasn’t sure what he wanted but apparently ‘really enjoyed seeing me and wanted to see how things went’. I wasn’t in a rush to label him as a boyfriend, but aslong as there was some form of progression and we both were honest and respectful that was what mattered to me. I absolutely asked him about dating other girls which he denied. I believed him ( silly me) and said that it was really important that we were respectful.

      The way he acted is apparently ‘not like him’ which I do agree with. He is full of regret and hates what he did. Doesn’t seem the type to act in this way, but maybe his overall personality doesn’t reflect his true self. I think the fact they continued to hang out as friends once we became official is what upsets me the most. If he regretted it and felt bad he should have cut communication.

  • You understand it was a grey area. You understand he wasn’t sure what he wanted. You understand he chose you. I’m not sure what the issue is.

    You seem to be saying he should have decided sooner and the fact he didn’t is a reflection of how he feels today which isn’t true by necessity.

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  • People usually date more than one person sometimes online before getting serious. Sadly it’s a part of online dating. Now I would be concerned if he doesn’t consider you to be his girlfriend or if you haven’t talked about what your relationships consists off

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  • If you don't trust him you don't trust him. Move on, because you can't force yourself to unfeel what you feel.

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  • I’m not even finishing read the whole thing because the key words of LIED , TRUST RUINED, and OTHER GIRLS... makes me know u need to move on cause he ain’t worth it

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  • Move on. Keep dating guys till u find the right one , don't loose hope.

    If it's yours it will come back, if it's not, it never will.

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  • If there's no trust then there shouldn't be a relationship.

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  • If you feel that your instinct tells you to not trust him you follow that. Guts are smarter than hearts in these situations.

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  • Drop him and find someone that deserves you and respects you.

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  • Dump his ass and done.

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  • Leave him

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  • MOVE ON

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  • Move on. guys like that don't respect woman.

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  • work with it

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  • Move on. It is hard to trust again.

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