Friendzone: is this a feeling?

I've been best friends with him for 3 years. He has expressed from day 1 his interest in me, and peppered his inclinations throughout our friendship. Our friendship goes in cycles, wherein we become really close and speak 3 hours a day on the phone, work together on personal projects. I assume because of the consistency, he slips up and starts to state his feelings, gradually become less subtle as time goes on. Then when it becomes too much for me, i but distance in between us. Or sometimes he does. But we always come back to each other after time. We address the distance, and we agree to try and make our friendship work.

I have absolutely nil reasons, as to why he and i shouldn't be together. He's not really attractive and i've been using that as a reason. But i know its not, because im not someone that falls for someone physically. I believe in him so much, and there is nothing i wouldn't do to help him see his plans through.

But, after 1.5 years in therapy, i get it. I've only dated impossible men, and he is the exact opposite. He would be a very serious relationship. I wasn't ready for that, i literally couldnt handle that type of love. And i kept him as friend because i didn't want to loose him. i always told him, this way i won't loose in a divorce. And he'll always be here. And this made so much sense to me that, i had ZERO inclination to pursue him romantically.

But in the middle of my root canal, they were about to give me a needle, and i HATE needles, and my mind went "i wish he was here". This in addition to realization that he is going to find a S. O that won't accommodate our friendship. I dont want to loose him. Is this some assbackward type of love?
do i tell him this? i feel like he deserves someone who knows they love him from the onset, not some ptsd riddled weirdo who took 3 years to have a feeling.

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  • Stop wasting the guy's time.

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