Is this my fault?

I feel like it is. So I have been suffering with bpd for the last few years, my mental health has got worse. When I’m having a panic or ‘bad episode’ I end up slapping my boyfriend sometimes out of anger or if I’m upset with him. I DON’T do it super hard or often. It’s when I’ve totally lost myself in a mental panic. He’s aware of my illness and says it’s his choice for staying with me even though can be toxic at times, but usually we are very happy together.

RECENTLY: I have been triggered a lot, and when I am I start to tell him I want to leave or break up or go out for a walk when I’m feeling reckless and just need to run out and get space. He gets so angry and loses it when I say this. He ends up pushing me down choking me telling me I’m not going anywhere and his even started slapping me. When I say stop he says why should I This is what you want. It makes me feel fucked in the head cause from past trauma I do sometimes want to be treated badly but in reality I HATE it and don’t like it. I am SO confused and scared I’ve ruined the relationship and him as a person. He’s even flung his arm back in a punch but held it there because he doesn’t wanna go that far. Have I totally changed him as a person because of my illness? :( someone help I feel terrible. Please.
Is this my fault?
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