Average guy if he seems nice, I'd be smiley, shy, may or more not be able to carry the conversation forward and be somewhat avoidant. The guy may keep coming over to talk whereas I may not be responsive. If the guy does keep coming, I may or may not be nervous. This may result in the guy not coming over again. If the guy comes around despite all obstacles, the conversation may not always go smooth. If they seem to act like they act like they want more in person, many times, they seem to go along the lines of sextext or say quite little. This gets confusing.Guys I'm not interested in, I will either try to make it obvious that I'm not interested and minimise conversation with them. If we do hit it off, will be chatty, not touchy, laugh a lot. If they seem to be acting like they want more, I may engage with them by text if they come across as genuine friends or try to avoid them as much as possible. Does this help?
somewhat so far where do the problems seem to start
I do have some male friends but many more are woman. I guess I have it in my mind that men can't just be friends whereas the reality is we need to be friends to be in relationship. I got married and divorced a man I wasn't interested in and therefore this has been something I know has to change. I suppose, I've been afraid around men I've liked due to fear of rejection. Have 'caught' those guys on many occasions but it's just been a casual experience. This is not what I want.
what do you want and what scares you bout some men
I've been that girl who guys in many groups find attractive but most don't know me. I get afraid to let many in as a number of people have rejected the top layer, like just being brown or the superficial things about me. Ironically most days my job entails that I delve into the deepest secrets/thoughts of individuals. Many people feel listened to. I don't meet many people interested to know me... so people continue to only want little with me.
besides rejection but scares you from being more confident and inviting or welcoming? I get the feeling your uncertainty in what you seek in men whether platonic friends or more gives off a somewhat leave me to my thoughts vibe like don't bother me but really you want the attention and intimacy but long term meaningful
I want a deep connection with a man whom I feel attracted to as a whole. I desire to share intimacy and purpose with a man. I wish to be compatible with this man and vice versa. I wish to love and to receive love from this man.
totally relate to that but not with another man lol woman for me. now with that all being said what are you attracted to mainly
Maybe I'm testing them by being so 'avoidant?' I find that men I've felt are attractive and actually hit it off with me from the get go, have ended up being players. I feel comfortable with them however their motives are not to be deep with me, I discover.
Can you tell the intentions from the start or are you being fooled most times
in my opinion you are the type of woman that I am attracted to that has been no where near me location wise lol to ever meet
Like a man now, I am attracted to his height, his eyes, his hands, his manly broad shoulders, his voice. He however seems to want to divulge about very personal things whereas not in a clear fashion or aim. As in, I felt he was coming onto me whereas when I asked him if he wanted to ask me out, he shared of being rusty ever since almost getting married but still wanting things not to change between us. He has come back despite a number of attempts to come to talk and physical closeness.
Unfortunately, I do not online date and do not share a similar interest but thank you for your opinion.:)
that guy is not your guy I can see his rusty ways come with a line of bs on a plate
Re the players, I've only learnt in later years that players are good at finding a emotional connection with a woman. I'd find we hit it off, think he's gorgeous anyway and ask for a date. I've come to learn that a genuine guy will act get to know me amd express interest in knowing more about me. This current guy has been trying to share things about himself rather than express interest. He only chats in our group of friends. Outside of that, he gets nervous.
In fact, what is that guy trying to do because repetitive physical closeness, seeking to keep talking and sharing personal things whereas many people don't know about him other than his married friends, etc. I don't understand what his aim is to keep coming to me.
I think you see that as nervous where i see snakey shadey like he is hiding in the group bc someone may see if he is outside and chatting he will blow his cover
maybe he is eating cake and get seconds too only married friends usually tell tale sign of married man
my comment regarding my opinion of you was mistaken as an advance which I apologize for bc I was not clear in stating it. I hope you can forgive me for that
It's funny because in the group or even outside the group when I've attempted to talk with him, one of his two married friends (male and female) has tended to need to by him when he talks with me. In one situation when his two married friends were around and it was dim lighting, he was locking eyes with me while talking about some personal things. When I saw him next, thought I would go up to him as he had passed me earlier and smiling down at me. When I did, he got very nervous, laughing in a stressed manner and his male friend came out of no where.
He blushes at times when Im by him or around him. It's ok re your opinion, I tend to be clear about my stance. Simply meet many unclear stances like this man and many others before him...
that is rather strange behavior for what your describing. if I may ask only because I recall you saying something in regards to brown.. the man you're talking bout is of different race I assume
When I first came over two gatherings, he came over without need to be supported by his married friends. It was the 3rd week as he started to share some personal things that these married friends started to always be around.
All men I've had any type of interaction with are white or Asian.
I try to always be clear with my words but I tend to get ahead of myself trying to type and keep my rapid thoughts in sync and miss a key word that would make a clearer statement
maybe he is a first timer in interracial world and worried about the looks or comments which unfortunately some people care too much about rather than living for themself
Thank you... this is what I mean by inexplicable behaviours and could only conclude that it's attention seeking.
what is the group for if I may ask
There are a number of mixed couples but his behaviour bewilders me.
I'm sorry did I say something that offended you? I am not sure
I dont think of interracial relationships as an issue as my parents are in a good one for almost 50 years
it bewilders me too lol
Offended me? How?
i thought you were ending conversation there after my message my mistske in misinterpretation
Many people see interracial dating as positive and there are the closeminded ones who can't see past shades of skin tone
I know. I just don't get his nervousness...
have you two had any intimate contact in private setting or at all
Not even once
I suppose because many come for something from me and things like this happen, I am on guard and get upset. I've been withdrawn and purposely didn't go to the interest group this week as not only for work reasons but I also feel drained by not getting what he wants.
very peculiar and rather strange it's almost like he is insecure of something detrimental or lacking in backbone and manly ways of flirting I don't know im flabbergasted
that actually could turn out to be a great choice bc if you go this week and he is there and says hey missed you last week then he at least looks for you each meeting but if he is weird and still doing his funky behavior you could always flatout ask wth he is wanting with you or maybe show interest towards another male that you may or may not be attracted to and guage his reaction
of course my views and thoughts are based mainly on typical male behaviors but this guy is not typical but not in a good way it's giving me the heebeejeebees tbh
i don't know what line of work or type of group either though so that could be a whole different feeling
Lolll... if you knew the stress it's given me... sigh. this is why my original question was, why they seem to want attention only...
vagueness sometimes means complicated story with uncommon behaviors lol
I'm stressed with you feel like I am going to have to attend this event once as a reconn secret agent
As he put it, it's a long story regarding the engagement, haven't been in the dating scene for 2 years and wouldn't even know how to go about. He was hesitant throughout. He however stills wants to keep talking and keep to how things are which are still nervous?
Haha... fly over from wherever you are.. need rescuing haha
Vague guys seem to like being near me sigh
I don't know what you got going on with your hypnosis of these men lol but the day I left my narcissistic ex wife my nervousness was no existing and my small brained larger head was not needed bc my small headed brain of its on was in control but I never been the shy nervous guy either so not sure how all that would be like
What I see is that he wants to talk for some reason but he's not being clear re his intent. He however seems to send mixed signals which makes me wonder does he want to have a counsellor listen to him, a friend, a sound board or more. He's not clarifying what he wants. All this activity however is contrary to what I want due to being attracted to him and my initial impression of him.
i say cut the tie and move along only bc the energy invested is draining and still at squared no where
Yeah, I'm tired...
Im sorry I hope you find your guy and hope you got closer to you answer in the question
However will be meeting him in the group weekly. It's been a hard run.
Unfortunately no haha... I want to be close to someone but many times rubbish like this happens sigh.
flip that script and give the same mixed nervous signals right off when you see him and kinda humor yourself messing with his head heck you deserve some sort of fun
Too much effort. Will just keep a low profile
well considering the situation why stop now lol jk just don't something to make him nervous ok lol
If I go up to him, he puts his head down, may mumble something and walk away🤷♀️🤷♀️
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That would be greatly appreciated. Everyone of these men seems to place my medic career as superseding who they are and overshadowing who I am as a whole person.
I however have recurrently been told that I'm warm, approachable, sweet and kind.
They may know my status very early as people ask my career path within mins of meeting me. I don't like to volunteer it as it doesn't define me as a person. Some are in shock (as I also look very young for my age), others step back and then there are groups of people who can befriend but mainly as acquaintances.
Men have noticed me but usually keep back as they smell 'money.' One random guy came under my umbrella while raining and all was good until he wanted to know stats about me which I was unprepared to share including my name. His conclusion for my refute was money. The guys who seek my attention may do so for months on end but regularly make issues about themselves being less financially endowed. Do people actually realise that we have to pay high taxes which affects our salaries quite substantially?
. It isn't weird to have your career define you partially as a person. You choose it because you like it. Nothing wrong there.Between the lines I do read that you are doing well in your career, and, well, too many men don't like their partner to be "better". It makes them feel insecure. I guess that is culture for you. I'm Dutch, and the traditional "a man has to provide for the family" doesn't go around as much anymore. So, the question becomes: where to find the men that don't have that issue? I don't know where you live or what options there are locally, and I don't think that I can't point out what works best for you. And it feels a bit condescending to point to the obvious routes. Anyway, that is diverting from your original question. Short version: a lot of men are easily intimidated by smart successful women.
I'm in the UK but have travelled a great deal and one of my good friends in Dutch/Norwegian but lives in Sweden. The more I get older, I recognise how Dutch, Germans and Scandis are more grounded in this arena. Hmmm. Online dating isn't for me but travel and hanging out in group activities is more appealing.
Try expat community groups maybe? Like internations. Or use meetup? Find groups of your interests and hobbies.I'm an expat myself (currently in Germany) and I find these groups really easy to get to know people who are more like me.
I chose my career path as I didn't choose psychology based on the fact that most of it is theory rather than science; art, my parents did not approve as a stable career and architecture was a long lost thought, as a child. I would not be a type A kind of person but rather type B in personality. I also got bullied a lot in Med school. I found several medics to have very low emotional intelligence. I have chosen a non-clinical route at present, despite general medical and largely, psychiatric experience. (Over 9 years). I don't seek to be a consultant in mainstream medical routes but would prefer to be a voice for people in need.
I was thinking of meetup when writing my previous post. I looked at internations but wasn't drawn to a number of the groups. I will try again though:)
One gentleman whom I have an interest in, is one of those, for the last 9 weeks, who seeks attention from me, blushes around me, but is more interested in seeking validation from me, it seems. He has looked at me in a vulnerable fashion and seems to need one of his friends to be nearby whenever I speak with him, as he gets very nervous and has literally walked away. It seems like no matter how down to earth I am, I'm alone a lot, sigh.
Oh, most groups tend to be boring. Especially internations can be hit or miss. But there might be just one that is interesting. You just need one or two groups, not 20.I guess we all need validation, but people often forget to give it back. With this guy, ask yourself: is he worth the trouble? Will he add to your life or not. If you have any doubt, it is better to not have the relationship.As for being alone a lot, I can sympathize. It's not always easy.
Maybe I love too easily because many times the effort I put in and interest I have for a man, like this current one, they may send obvious signals but usually it means nothing 😔
I usually see potential and wish they'd just make that effort, but so far, it hasn't happened. My ex husband married men as he believed that I would be sane as we met while I was in psychiatry. 😂. I was very naive back then. His main focus was self focus and self improvement whereas we never knew each other, didn't go on dates, he didn't really want to know about me/my life/my thoughts amd Oh, he didn't want me to go out either or to self improve. a lot was all about him, to be frank. Was very relieved to move on after 5 years.
Don't worry about falling in love to easily. Can't change that part of yourself and in general it is part of a good character, in my experience.But like any type of relation, it should be give and take. If you put more effort in it than you get out of it, find a better man.
Ouch, that sounds like a very toxic relationship.
That's true. I'm honest and open when I love. I learned that about myself after recognising that I surpressed my lack of love for my ex hub and went along with what he wanted. I sought marriage as an idea but didn't realise the impact of not being true to what's in ones heart. I vowed never to be dishonest in love again. Ironically the next man I met was very dishonest to me, but hey, this is life.
Well, that is a good approach. Anything less will make you unhappy, no matter how you look at it.
It was a toxic relationship but many past one's were too. I recognize a trajectory of change in the person I am over the years. I used to be depressed with low self esteem before, during and after med school. This came about due to recurrent rejection in my life. Travelling to many countries since a baby, then highly qualified and not fitting a stereotype, people tend to be guarded with multiple reservations. I give as I love to give/share with others but as mentioned above, acquaintances have been more commonly met. Receiving has been low. I find that even closer friends I do have, tend to honor certain people more and dismiss me during those moments. Overtime, I have learnt that they are not best friends who don't deserve to be given as much time and effort whereas I used to open up to them more.
I know that I am respecting myself more and standing taller. More people gripe on the sidelines but as one wise person said to me, this is a positive thing as people don't talk about things which don't effect them in some way. Why my love story has been so painful, I don't know, but all I can do is keep walking forward. I'd love to have children and a family to nurture but maybe it's about me taking responsibility for my personal life now. Have neglected it over the years and given a lot to others rather than paid attention to my own needs...
In every life, the most important person is yourself. (okay, it is me, but second most important then 😋).I guess walking on is all we can do. At the end, there is always hope.
Haha. Anomander, how then do we protect ourselves when we want to be close to the man and he's coming close to you, but he may have another agenda which appears similar to that of pursuing you?
If I had that answer, I'd be a guru. Knowing what other people really want is hard. Hell, half of the time we don't even know what we want ourselves.
This is how I get hurt recurrently. These are attractive guys, I like them, most usually like me, they are responsive and obvious but only go so far. I see the potential and have been patient but nothing more tends to happen. Is this my fate😭😭😭
Nah. I'm sure the right one will pop up. I don't believe in fate
:)... I'm getting older now. As much hope I have held for love, sometimes seems futile, to be frank
Yet, we still hold hope. That's being human.
I'm not much different anyway.
Or maybe I meet men who put my career as an obstacle in their minds?