Unlike my friends, I have never actually dealt with a man on any level (as friends or as lovers) who didn’t express wanting a serious relationship with me as his main intention of talking to me. Somehow, despite being told repeatedly from multiple men that they sought a relationship with me, my love life just never works. Those are all screenshots from 3 different men. I don't know how in 2 years I have accumulated more “almost relationships” than actual ones. But they never actually go anywhere. The only one that was legit for a period was the one with the boy who said he “fucking loved me”. He had a funny way of showing it because he really broke me. And ever since then (but even before I met him) I have had trouble getting my relationships with people to actually GO anywhere despite the fact that every single man I have ever talked to, dated, or even texted has said (with no pressuring on my end) that their aim was to eventually get into a relationship. I don’t think I have ever been in any relationship that wasn’t totally pointless. I feel bad at my inability to have a lasting friendship even if it can’t be more than that. I want my attempts at building a bond with a guy to amount to SOMETHING- even if it’s just friendship. But instead, I just like them and then lose them completely. That’s where I differ from most of my friends. I can’t maintain a relationship on any level-even as friends. Whereas they can still text most of the guys they have been with just to say hi. I can’t do that. And I wonder constantly about what is wrong with me that nobody actually stays. Why can’t I maintain a relationship?
I should add that most of my attempts to get to know most of the guys I have met in my life hadn’t actually developed into a “relationship”. I have only been in the one relationship with the boy above who said he loved me and that ended just as abruptly and without closure as if it were just as pointless as anything less committed.
*also these screenshots are from different times over the past few years. I have never talked to more than one guy at a time