I feel sad and heartbroken?

I feel like it’s stupid to be heartbroken over this..
my ex and I have broken up maybe 20 times in the past 5 years and I’m so over it. Our relationship was toxic and I do feel like he didn’t treat me right most of the time. But when I see him I always forget about that because it feels good the 20% of the time that we’re good together. We started going out when we were 18 and are both 23 now but never had real sex because I’m very religious.
A few weeks ago he started phoning me at first to “see how I was” but then it just turned into him wanting to hookup and I didn’t understand why he would even ask because my answer has been no for 5 years.
but when he came over a few weeks ago we got really drunk and did try to have sex but couldn’t because it hurt me too much. Maybe I was lonely I don't know I have been pretty depressed lately. But it’s really not like me.
we both decided to stop taking because we knew it could get toxic fast. We don’t love each other anymore either. But the more I think about it, the more I wish I could talk to him because even tho to some people sex is nothing, my virginity means a lot to me. I don’t feel as sorry as I thought I would be or guilty. But I do feel sad. And I wish he was my partner in a way and I could go to him with this. I know he will get angry if I text him. We agreed we wouldn’t do that and said our goodbyes. I’m just really confused and upset about it
I feel sad and heartbroken?
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