If there's anything I've learned from being in a relationship for 10 years, I give credit to the following: "Communication", "Empathy", "Passion" and "Compatibility". If you have all four of these within the relationship you have, you and your partner/significant other will certainly be happy and successful long term!
When you have proper communication together, you are both understood, are following the same page and respect is on the table. Nothing feels worse than being ignored or oppressed when you want to express your feelings/thoughts but you're not being heard. It is absolutely crucial to ensure both partners have a clear understanding of what each of them wants so all the possible solutions and perspectives are avaliable right there and then. There's no need to yell, hit each other or go into complete social isolation here to prove your point across.
If you can't feel the emotions and feelings your partner feels, how will you be able to connect with them emotionally, where they are most vulnerable to you? Being able to empathize together means there's no need to put up barriers, to lie under your teeth and/or use tactics to deceive each other. There is complete comfort and trust in knowing that you both can feel one another's happiness and pain. Having that connection means you've dropped your pride and allow equally in the relationship to form, which I can't hesitate enough how important that is.
Having that burning passion of desire and romance helps keep the intimacy healthy in the relationship. Intimacy is one thing that separates a friendship from a relationship and without it, that feeling of love slowly fades away until it's gone. Give back massages, hold hands while walking, kiss each other a lot, surprise each other with gifts like roses, chocolates or a homemade card, make beautiful love (sex) in the bedroom; all of these will make you and your partner feel loved and desired so that connection you two have becomes emotionally stronger now and down the road.
Having compatibility means you two can relate with similar interests, political/spiritual beliefs, fun/serious hobbies and of such. The more you two can click with compatiblity, the easier it will be to not only entertain each other, but to build memories of activities, discussions and places you two went to/did together! It's ok to have interests/beliefs that are polar opposites of one another but just ensure there are plenty of things you two are compatible with so the relationship doesn't grow stale.
Be sure to spend plenty of quality time together, continue to grow by learning of each other's strengths and weaknesses, keep the fire of passion lit and the relationship will very likely be smooth sailing from here! It's inevitable that arguments and disagreements will happen but if you both grow from the mistakes, the relationship will continue to grow as time passes. It's been quite a journey. The path to a healthy relationship is certainly worth pursuing in my opinion!
Patience and the ability to see things from outside their own perspective. A lot of folks only look at things from their viewpoint. Example, "He/she wants a lot of alone time, they must not love me anymore." They can't look past their own insecurities and see things from their partners eyes.
Even the best relationships take effort to maintain, but usally dont look like it.
Comparability is important, shared interests or similar attitudes seem to help a lot when it comes to communication.
Then really it is about Good Honest Communication, Trust and Commitment. Couples never work if they dont communicate properly in my experience, being open and honest about one's feelings worries and concerns means it can be discussed and worked on together, where as lying or bottling things up never seems to keep things hidden long. Trust and respect come closely linked, if you forever are worried your partner is going to go out and do something behind your back, it leaves for unstead foundations for a relationship... and sure, everyone worries but the best relationships are built on honesty and trust...
And finally, luck doesn't come into maintaining a relationship (although it does seem to be a big thing in meeting a person)... but effort and committed action does. You want to make a relationship work, get up in the morning and remind your partner you love them, do something nice and as simple as bringing them a drink or reminding them to have a safe trip and that you will be there when you get back... these little actions mean a lot... and oviously if you are asked to take the bins out, actually do it XD
It's a combination of chance mixed in with a bit of work from both individuals.
For the randomness part, it's mostly by chance that people meet someone who they share the same values, lifestyles, life goals, plus have good sexual chemistry with. I mean, you could be a happy and super attractive person but if you spend time with people who are only interested in ONS, that's not going to change a thing.
Now on to the next step, which is what I've noticed seems to be common in people whose relationships are happy and healthy. They have the will to put their pride aside for the better of the relationship continuing, versus always being 'right' or getting what they want. I'll be honest and I'd like to think my relationship is happy and successful but holy shit... it's a major lesson in humility by me (and I'm sure my fiance) having to swallow our pride sometimes and either do things which we have no interest in or just patch things up after a squabble because staying together and making him happy are worth more to me than being a little brat.
Being attractive is not enough if a girl or guy wants somebody who is high status and desirable and by attractive I mean not just looks but also intelligence and success and charm and kindness - it’s also a question of how much work somebody puts into the relationship such as exercising and doing chores at home and earning money and being a good parent and maintaining a clean family and house hold and responsible money management and taking over if one person becomes temporarily ill or unable to work - that is just as hard as being attractive personality wise and appearance and profession I think
consistency. never giving up. never listening to the nay sayers.
Unconditonal Love and Hard Work and Commitment. xx
The key to a happy relationship is clear, open, honest communication. Most people are very vague, expecting the other to read minds, as they don't want to limit their opportunities or be accountable for their decisions. Seek clarification without interrogating or putting the other on the defensive. Make sure both always feel safe to allow vulnerability, for without vulnerability, we just get superficiality. Demands, criticism and insensitivity will only drive a wedge between you, making the other person resistant to change and less likely to take your feelings into consideration. Ask yourself whether you'd truly appreciate, not just tolerate, being on the receiving end of what you plan to dish out. If not, come up with an alternative. Show your partner you care enough to want to understand that person's thoughts and feelings (don't just assume you do), so those thoughts and feelings can be incorporated into whatever decisions the two of you make together. Address whatever feelings the other is expressing. Don't deny, minimize, rationalize, compete or divert the focus. Understand, if you say you want to win all the time, you're also saying you want to spend the rest of your life surrounded by losers.
Make sure your partner always feels safe, secure and special. Under no circumstances will your partner believe you'd intentionally cause your partner discomfort or allow anyone else to do so, either. Make sure things are consistent over time. Little surprises are nice, but stability leads to predictability, allowing you to know what you can do to add something special to your relationship. Be clear with your partner in regard to what you value and appreciate about your partner and how he/she is unique and special to you.
Mutual respect is important. When we were young, we were taught to respect our elders. No one respects elders... we respect those who show us respect. If you're not feeling respected, find out in what ways the other person doesn't feel respected by you.
Words are nice, but actions tend to be more real. Do your best to be an active equal participant in the relationship. Show your partner rather than just expect your partner to be the one to do so. Expressing any entitlement will dilute the quality of any relationship.
Realistically I'd just be guessing. Just like thousands of psychologists and sociologists are guessing.
I'm most familiar with my parents generation and my own generation. The generation of my parents and my friend's parents were those born in 1920-1935. Around where I live, they didn't get divorced, at all. On the street where I grew up there were no divorced people until I was out of high school.
Of all my best friends that I grew up with, their parents stayed married until one or both died. Same with most of the neighbors. I don't know why they stayed married. They always seemed to get along, but that's from the point of view of an outsider, even though I knew them well. I think that generation got married and took it seriously. They just made it work. From my point of view it didn't seem to take effort. There was never any tension that I could see.
When I look at the type of people they were, I can see the compatibility. The things that were important to them, they had in common. Personal interests and hobbies were not so important. But the kind of things that you want to get out of life, and are important to you, they had in common.
For example one couple who were really into the outdoors. They loved outdoors, hiking and camping. They did it their whole lives. They still hiked local parks into their 80s and 90s. Their home had a natural feel to it with lots of trees and a wild type of landscaping. They were both religious. I think that's important to have in common. They both felt a duty to help people and volunteer in various things. The things that were a fundamental part of them, they had in common.
With the divorces I knew about with long term couples, there was a basic compatibility issue. It was not about minor interests, but fundamental parts of their lives. With the older couples I grew up around, I don't know for sure if those compatibility issues were there when they got married. But for sure they grew worse over time. One or both people changed, not in superficial ways, but in fundamental ways where their lifestyle and important things in life went in different directions.
I was going to go on about other couples, but I'll stop rambling. I guess that's what happens when you know a lot of people for 50-60+ years. I've known some of these couple VERY well. I can picture how they were compatible, but putting it in words is not easy.
I will just add that when the parents stayed together, the kids' marriages also stayed together. When the parents got divorced, so did the kids. Some of the grand kids are married now, but it's yet to be seen how that works out.
I wouldn't comprise it simply of attitude or optimistic thinking. My thinking is actually different from that. I picked that option; but, I would say realistic pessimism is effective. As an optimistic person, you may think "Oh, this is going to be wonderful and we're going to make it work!" But what happens when your relationship is actually tested? What happens when your partner looks at another woman? What happens when your partner expresses an interest in bedding a male celebrity? What happens when you have financial woes?
No. I much prefer realistic pessimism. As Jordan Peterson put it, "I know you're full of snakes, and I am, too. But we're going to be together through that. Life is a battle, it's going to be hard; it's going to be full of contention; but, we're going to find solutions to those problems, and stick it through." I guess that fits into "Desire to be in a relationship," but at the same time, I prefer the realistic pessimism. And it's working for my relationship currently, albeit a baby relationship of 10 months, living together for 8.
Fundamentally, Gottman boils a couple staying together happy and committed down to addressing emotional issues before they get plunged underneath the surface into the unconscious mind. You gotta fix those cracks before they shatter the entire vase. The below video goes into a bit more interesting detail about a 94% prediction of divorce study. Fascinating.
I have previously been sent some of Peterson's videos by other males on this site. Before that, never heard of him. And generally speaking, I don't like him. Don't remember the other videos right now, so I can't analyze why for you, but in this case, I agree with him, and you, and have no issue with his theory/teaching.
It's really almost a platitude to say "You must have good communication", isn't it. And people relaying this over and over ad infinitum really doesn't help anyone. Because the devil is in the details.
So I like his example here. It's specific enough, yet also easily transferable.
Jordan Peterson is much more popular with men, yeah. Mmm. I had existential crisis; major depression; drug addiction; all kinds of shit. But it all formed from an inherent misunderstanding of life and having no analytical answer to the ostensible meaninglessness of life. Jordan changed that. The most eloquent, stark, analytical breakdown of existential nihilism I'd ever heard came from him. I view him as one of the most brilliant men on the planet, and I know full well I would not be where I am today without him. His idea of embracing responsibility and aiming towards the highest potential good one can resonated strongly with me, and I think a lot of males in my generation who have been overly babied.
I would also guess most males on this site tend to be more of the resentful and bitter types, if what I've seen on here is any hint.
Perhaps seeing a more vulnerable video of him would be good? That said, I do highly respect your ability to say "I haven't liked him; but, I still listen and weigh." Lotta people won't do that.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMo_20J1J1Y
They’ve mastered the ability to let go of the outside world and focus on “their” world. By this I mean regardless of what people say or what the odds or statistics say, these people go all in regardless. They plow through negativity, criticism and rejection and eventually hit gold. Most people like this initially seem “weird” or out of the ordinary and usually remain seen that way until they hit their personal success. When it’s visible they’re suddenly seen differently by other people. This is especially true for celebrities.
It's a mixture of many things.
the desire to be in a relationship.
not hurting or belittling your partner.
the need to love and be loved back.
and the ultimate gatekeeper of it all is fate (and for men on top of that COULD be the money 💵). Some die of starvation before becoming an adult. I'm stranded in the poor east and can't communicate on a social level here because language barriers. My peers claim i have the upper hand in dating because I'm from Europe and it's exotic and i have an accent but i don't see that attributing to my success.
Well first off, hallelujah for parentheses, italices, and a dose of moderation on that one. Thank you 🙏
And secondly, "the ultimate gatekeeper of it all is fate" eh? Wow. Did not expect that one from you. But alright. Your circumstances are far from ideal, aren't they, so I understand your angle about it not being attitude/perspective.
So yeah. It's still the "old traditions" over here. I made peace with dying loveless And paying hookers for their time every now and then. My situation is so unique, that it requires very special and custom solutions. It has been a merciless experience for me. Sometimes i think people just don't believe me but it's not within my scope to prove them anything.
Haha, this is a question I've debated asking you on occasion. What is your own opinion?
I feel it's a combination of compatibility and an equal sense of responsibility to each other's happiness (mutual happiness). It also includes a clear understanding by both partners that they are each other's top priority. The relationship is never one-sided, with conflicts getting resolved through communication, consideration and compromise.
In terms of relationships I've seen. I'd say it was mostly compatibility of values and interests that keep them happy.
The people who I know who are in happy marriages share similar interests and values. If they do "bump heads" they tend to be able to "agree to disagree".
LOL I have to laugh about one friend of mine. For a few years I could NOT stand to go over to their place because his wife was always disagreeable with me and bitchy. I guess he just went with the flow because he didn't seem to have much issue with it. The last several times I've seen her she has been OK. I was thinking if I were married to someone like that I couldn't handle it. So maybe "going with the flow" is a trait that can make long term relationships successful?
Low expectations. My Great Grandmother got married before the first 🌎 War, and marriage was more a necessity based on practically back then, not love. They grew too love each other fiercely through their 66 year union until his death and she never considered loving another. Her son shared a love hate relationship with my grandmother for nearly an equal amount of time until his death ended their Lockhorns like matrimony that started following a USO dance in WW2 where they met. Duty and civic responsibility brought them together and kept them together despite sleeping in separate bedrooms upon their eldest son's (my dad) graduation. Those are the only first marriages, other than my Uncle Mark's, that began upon his return from Vietnam and ended 10 years ago in a motorcycle accident, that I am aware of, that withstood the test of time.
It's actually pretty hard to choose from these 4... I chose the first, but I feel like it could merge with the second as both are good reasons to attract people into a relationship with someone like that.
Of course, I'm not saying luck and randomness don't have anything to do, but I don't really think those are the main reason for why some people have a bit of an easier time getting in a relationship
I think patience and flexibility are pretty crucial. Too many treat small things as big or a lot of unresolved or even unmentioned small things as if they were failures or betrayals. Getting through the harder times is much more important than intensity and feelings of love in the beginning.
I voted D because I believe genuine relationships succeed sexual instincts (nature) thus becoming supernatural due to the primacy of relations, be they emotional or social.
The various relations the couple share form a foundation in which sex becomes a consequent or effect as opposed to creating a leftstyle of continual gratification through sex.
The serious couple has succeeded sexual instincts and have began to focus their efforts on the common good.
Their children will be indifferent to their sexual preferences.
My aunt and uncle do not (or perhaps could not) have any kids yet they have been together for 16 years and really "click" together. Not to mention their strong cultural kinship being born and raised in the same town in England. 🏴
I'd say per luck and chance. They were in the right place at the right time.
But also there is some effort too.. I assume some people found each other through different means. But grooming, looking and asking, and sometimes a date app might have all also helped to some degree.
I've seen only a few, but they all made a decision early on to be devoted only to each-other. I was told by one of them that cheating even in fantasy is wrong.
Buuuut those people are also super religious, so they have a lot going for them there. Virgins till marriage, an almost fear of divorce for part of their lives, a commitment to forgive things as they're happening, there's a lot tied into that which may not be immediately obvious to a casual observer.
I see most A and B of the people I know.. some work hard (make compromises and adapt somewhat) and believe (tending to be a bit naïve) and go all in to be in relationships, and some are indeed very happy positive people that I think attracts a lot.
Then there is of course some luck of finding a person you actually fit with, but if you go for it more and attract more potential partners then you are also more likely to get in a succesfull relationship in the end.
It seems to come down to good people meeting each other at random and both of them being good communicators and listeners, and wanting the same things out of life such as good jobs, kids, riches, etc. Having said that most relationships have problems that are not always obvious.
I voted B. I think that describes it well. Beyond that, it's like making a commitment to being best friends. You learn to appreciate that person's strengths and flaws. You're there for each other, care for each other, love doing things together, and can share and talk about anything. There's total trust. You don't sabotage such a relationship.
A combination of a desire to make the relationship work, and luck.
You can work on communication and compromise and being a thoughtful partner and it will certainly help, but all that isn't enough if you and your partner want different things.
People change and grow and their goals do too. I think it's very lucky and very beautiful when two people meet when they are younger and continue to love the new people they both become through their lives
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