Why am I like this?

I like to hurt women emotionally, I'm controlling and abusive, I have a mental disorder, (IED) my dad had it too, and he beat my mom a lot, and abused her too, and us. Problem is I just want to have a normal relationship, I don't wanna get jealous and controlling and abusive. (I couldn't hit woman) I don't like seeing them get hit in general, but I'm kind of like this with everyone, obviously more concerned with the relationship aspect. But I'm really quiet and conserved, but like a light switch I can be 100% angry and ready to fight, for most instances being "cut infront of at walmart" or someone looked at me wrong or said something I didn't like. It's not a pride thing, I don't think I'm a tough guy, it's just like a violent reaction in my brain to provocation. We could be having a nice conversation, and you say one or 2 things I don't like and I will instantly see you as an enemy, and I will progressively get more and more angry from there, until I explode. Doctors give me medicine that makes me feel like a shell of who I am. I don't know what to do, marijuana is the only thing that really slows it down, when I'm high I react differently to provocation, like it's a totally different universe and there's multiple path ways to take to a solution, but like I can't use weed as medicine can I? You can drive and be high, so how would I get to and from work? Etc I don't know I'm stressed.
Why am I like this?
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